Linda called me a little bit ago to move my appointment to Friday, so I told her about the flashback yesterday. She agreed that is what it was. I don't think she totally understood (or maybe she just didn't remember) that I had not had one before. But I explained that I have had the intrusive thoughts and that I see things sometimes in my head that I don't want to see, but that I've never felt like it was happening except in nightmares.
She said she's not sure what to tell me. She doesn't know how I can prevent it from happening again if I don't know what triggered it. But she gave me some good advice. She said if it happens in front of someone, it will just look like I'm distracted or disoriented and I will seem flushed and maybe like I'm having a panic attack. She said when I come out of it, excuse myself to the restroom and then just say I thought I was going to throw up or that I was starting to get a migraine.
I asked her if this meant I was going backwards in my healing process. She said she doesn't think so. She said she thinks this is just more of the symptoms I would have ordinarily had before, coming on now. She said she thought this all was an indication of how deeply buried everything was - that the only symptoms that were coming out until recently were the nightmares, against which I couldn't defend because I was asleep. She said she thinks it might be an indication that it is becoming even more real to me and that my defenses are coming down. She also thinks maybe it has something to do with going back to where it happened. She said it wasn't a bad thing that I went back, but it may be stirring a lot more up than I know.
But she said I might want to get Dr. M's input on it. So I called Dr. M and left a message. She's out of the office until Monday, and I told her it wasn't pressing and told her on the message what happened and what I wanted to know, so I'm sure she'll call me back next week.
Linda said the name of my school today on the phone today, and it made me cringe. I had switched to drinking my coffee from a mug with the school name in it, because the one I have been using for 10 years cracked and the replacement for it was broken when it got here, and let's face it - it's only a matter of time before the super glue wears out and I'll have a cup of coffee down the front of me. Anyway - just bought it at the bookstore when we were on campus last week, and so have only been using it since Monday. Because I had that involuntary cringe when Linda just said the name, I wonder if maybe the mug set me off yesterday? I'm sure my mug was sitting on my desk. (Although I have been drinking from it today with no consequence, but I haven't really been looking at it). Thoughts?