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Dr-A-Greene
Dr-A-Greene, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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I just retired last June as age 62. I have a girlfrient, 40

Resolved Question:

I just retired last June as age 62. I have a girlfrient, 40 years old, that has adopted an infant girl 4 months ago. I don't know what I will be doing in my retirement. My girlfrien and her child may not be in those plans. I am close to her and the child. feeding , holding, playing, etc..

question is ... I don't want to be a daddy at my age. Am being too close to the child.?? The child does know me.... am I helping now? (yes) but if I'm gone in the future will it have more negative effects later? or can it be an uncle impact?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 2 years ago.

Dr-A-Greene :

It would be more harmful to be neglectful of the child now - definitely. Being a good caretaker is always a good thing, even if you're gone in the future. Besides, we can't predict what might or might not happen (even if you thought you were going to be in it for the long haul). So, basically you're doing the right thing. A child knows what to do with love - it doesn't know what to make of an adult being cold for no reason (in their mind). Make sense?

Customer:

yes. as you can figure..... themother is very busy with her new butiful baby. and I am trying to figure out my next "purpose" in my future. the last while since retiement has been spent with ""vacation" and small projects. I need to further explore my options and that means that I am afraid that I will be more displaced with envolvement with them. There is no pressure from the mom on my participation..... we had long discussions about "being thrown to the curb" . I am really enjoying helping the mom out and enjoying the infant.... buttttt. So If the girl infant at 4 months really gets to "know" me now.... It would not be bad if I "turned " out to be a distant uncle later?.... who knows???!!!

Customer:

Oh botXXXXX XXXXXne I don't want to be a father at 80 with a child in highschool

Customer:

it's not fair to the child

Dr-A-Greene :

It wouldn't be, no. I think that how you're handling it is perfect. Trying to put artificial parameters around how you interact for "the good of the child" would likely just result in confusion and upset on her part. What she knows now is that you are someone that she trusts and likes to be with. You show her affection. Even if this were to disappear sometime in the future, its far better than not showing her those things now in anticipation of what might come. Children are extremely resilient when it comes to people who come and go - what they don't understand are people who treat them as insignificant. And I understand about not wanting to have a child in high school at age 80 - but just for a bit of perspective - when I graduated high school, my father was 78 (I am adopted too).

Dr-A-Greene :

And I thought it was awesome!

Dr-A-Greene :

He was 88 when I got my doctorate. He was the oldest parent there - and also (by far) the wisest and proudest.

Customer:

WOW.......Soooo You made my night. Now I have to get into a beter habit of not staying up so late....... It's tough..I'm retired...

Dr-A-Greene :

Lol - my mother tells me the same thing! She's become quite the world traveler these days. My father hung around until he was 93 - old enough to see me treating patients and walk me down the aisle. And, though most of my friends still have both their folks around, I wouldn't have traded him for the world. Thanks for letting me field this question - the memories and your obvious care for the little one made my night too!

Customer:

Thnx so much... I really want to enjoy her company.. I was married twice and never wanted children.... and was going to "run" when the mom adopted... but after you get "acquainted" with such a wonder... I can't just leave.. Iwant to help out...for however long. And you have given me the support to know that I am not damaging any thing.. we all can just enjoy as long as we can....

Dr-A-Greene :

That sounds like the perfect option. Enjoy each other's company for as long as you can and want to - the child will be better for it (as I imagine you will too!) We kids have a way of getting under your skin, so I was told...

Customer:

I knew all this... I was a psych major and math double.... just kidding. ( I really majored in those) but I know that a little knowledge can be dangerous..... Like my father being a tinsmith / carpenter.. I know how to break everything..... enjoyed the chat..unless you have more thoghts of wisdom..have a great nite...I jsut notices your other note about your father at 93..... My mom, is 96.... enjoy life..... thnxt

Dr-A-Greene :

You're more than welcome - I enjoyed the chat too. I wish you the best - you're not breaking anything, I promise! Have a great night. Wishing you the best,

Dr-A-Greene :

Dr. G.

Dr-A-Greene, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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Dr-A-Greene
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