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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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How do I fix my relationship with my 20 year old son? Its

Resolved Question:

How do I fix my relationship with my 20 year old son? It's making me very depressed and I feel like I'm losing my mind, to to have him in my life.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Brad :

Thank you for your question. Before providing suggestions, I have a few questions. First, what was your relationship like with your son? When did it first start deteriorating?

Customer: It was "normal" i was a single mom part of his life so I worked n when to college my mom helped me raise him. N last summer I reveal a the identity of his biological father thinking it was going to have a positive impact but then that's when it all fell apart
Brad :

tell me more

Customer: He's biological father is an alcoholic n a bad influence but at that time I didn't know
Customer: He has never really made an attempt to be in my sons life I think avoiding to pay child support
Customer: My son had been depressed n experimenting with weed soi thought having his father would be a good thng
Customer: I felt guilty for leaving the guy 20 years back but I wanted my unborn baby to have a good life n the guy would beat me n was immature
Brad :

After he found out about his biological father, what happened to your son?

Customer: Well at first he was interested in meeting him
Customer: N I was going out f town on trainings n things spiraled too quickly the guy said I wanna move down there b with my son etc... Like showing true interest I had broken up a few weeks before an 11 year relationship n I made it clear hey I am not asking u to mov I think u should think about it etc... N u n I r not gonna be a item maybe if things n time but I just broke up a long time relationship
Customer: He had a car accident and had to move out i felt sorry n offered him to help him move from arkansas to texas cuz thats what he wanted n offered him to pay for a uhaul truck etc... But then i got cold feet about the whole thing by then my son had talked to him a few times n told me mom u can now back up if u had already told him u would help him
Brad :

So what happened? How did your son become angry at you?

Customer: So I took my sub my son n my six year old of my last relationship n drove up there pulling a trailer to help him move to his parents
Customer: As soon as I saw him I felt guiltiest he looked like my 70 some year old brother in law he look so bad
Customer: His hands shake n I could see how happy my son was to meet him
Customer: So we helped him move down I paying for everything had him take us around the town n cities near by to see attractions etc
Customer: N I thought well maybe he will be a good influence but when we get here it all changed
Customer: The longer I talked to him n spent time with him the more I saw he was messed up
Customer: I've never been around a drinking drug addict
Customer: He thinks n told me he is a demon n has a dark side that no one really has seen
Brad :

him as in the father of your son?

Customer: But he has unleashed before n a bunch of nonsense
Customer: Too creepy n immature for me
Customer: So I told my son we outta be arefl n then the helping got weird
Customer: Seemed like he was enjoying it too much n was using me
Customer: I didn't mind helping him
Customer: He had lost so much weight n was wearing pants like 4 sizes too big I flt bad n I didn't want my son to see him like hat so I bought him loathe sto interview n get a job etcc I had been nice n true hearted n just wanted my son to be happpy
Customer: I saw he was just drinking the guy n smoking sound my son n being a bad influence so I tried cutting or actually reducing contact
Customer: That's when he made it a point to urn my son againstnhim
Customer: Me
Brad :

What did he do to turn your son?

Customer: Now my son won't go o consider college because he guy thinks n said look at me how good I'm doing n I don't have an education
Customer: Seriously he lives with his parents doesn't have a car or has nothing
Customer: But he put in my sons head so much nonsense like not necessary to go to college n I don't know what else cuz now my son is acting very hateful toward me n my mom whom we raised him n provided best we could n all we could for him alll these years
Customer: I can't sleep n I want to just keep my mind busy cuz I feel I am gonna lose my mind I fear him moving to Arkansas with him n end up an alcoholic n drug addict like him
Customer: I can't sleep I have to keep my mind busy
Customer: I can't sleep
Brad :

How long has it been since you saw your son?

Customer: Sorry this thing didn't show screen moing up
Customer: He won't even be sound my six year old whom before he adored
Brad :

Yes, I'm having technical difficulties as well

Customer: N my six year old is hurting too missing him
Customer: He cries for him n says its ur fault my brother is not with us
Customer: I just want he best for my sons
Brad :

I completely understand

Customer: A lot of things happen so quickly I bought a new one to back with my spouse of 11 years n he has a bedroom here but won't move in
Customer: N at imes at his fathers
Customer: N the guys mom told me just like I lost my son u have to also
Customer: So they don't care about him they just want to hurt me
Customer: I don't know what to do
Customer: The UBS younger brother uses cocaine his sister is in Mexico escaping from us law for credit card fraud
Customer: I live in fear the guy will get drugged n come murder me n my spouse n whoever else is here
Customer: I wake up screaming n sobbing either scared or in fear for my sons safety
Customer: I'm afraid for his safety n don't want to see him using drugs neducated like the uy
Brad :

when was the last time you saw your son?

Customer: It's literally killing me all this uncertainty n pain
Customer: A cople of weeks ago
Customer: I was used to seeing him everyday
Customer: N yes he was messy n had lotsf pets n we disagreed on coming in with muddy shoes etc normal stuff
Customer: We meaning my mom n me spoiled him giving him all we could
Customer: Last we spoke he told me about a girl a work he was talking to
Customer: N we speed talking because of nonsense
Customer: My 18 year old was sick n I took him to the doctor n had a contagious flu like I didn't want to use his phone so was on speaker n my phone died n I called him I know I said I was going to go buy u tires but call around first to get the best price n I had an estimate a friends girl got me n he asked what brand I responded what does it matter any brand as long as heynr affordable
Customer: I don't make much money really It was a big sacrifice to buy him the tires so I was just asking him to call around cuz I was tied up at dr with other an who had been sick for a couple of days
Customer: N fever was getting worse n needed shot n I had not been able to find a sub for work
Customer: But now I think he felt neglected or that I thought my other son was more important I don't know he just said I am not asking for a f... Sh.. N hung up n since he won't reply texts or answer y calls
Customer: I text him telling him ow I feel n explaining the whole situation
Customer: He did show up on Friday to pick up my six year old from school cuz I texted him n he would usually that for me before
Customer: He replied yes to my text but nothing more when I texted him we'd u pick up ur brother He has early release n I to stay n work if u don't reply i ll take it as a no
Customer: Today I went to talk to that girl he is tAlking tO n she said she would help
Brad :

she finds you son having a problem?

Customer: I don't know I hope it works if not it will blowup n make things worse I'm just desperate
Customer: She said he is stand offish n like doesn't open up
Brad :

At this point, do you feel your son's safety is in danger?

Customer: But I explained he was not really presuming her cuz other guys that work there like her n he didn't wanna step on others toes
Customer: Yes because the guy n people he is being around him r drinking n maybe even using drugs
Customer: That's what is killing me
Customer: I don't want him getting addicted or drinking
Customer: I mean as a parent we want the best for our kids
Brad :

do you think he has a problem now?

Customer: I don't know
Brad :

Yes, I understand that...you also want him to be safe as well

Customer: I think he might smoke weed
Brad :

however, since he is 20 years old, there is a time for him to understand the consequences of his actions

Customer: But if he does he might use it occasionally
Customer: So it's not totally out of control
Customer: I fear it could get
Customer: But him talking to this girl might help him not feel so alone
Customer: At least I hope
Brad :

yes, I understand...my suggestion for you is to write a letter to him discussing your current concerns about his current behaviors.

Customer: N she seems mature n nice she said she was close toner mom
Customer: To her mom
Brad :

Write a draft letter first as you have a way for words and continue to edit the letter until your point comes across

Customer: N she lives with oth parents n she verbalized ow he might be just taking whatever as is a father figure cuz he has missing that even though the guy is bad
Brad :

At this point, your son's life is not in danger. Yes, you have mentioned concerns about his behaviors and he may not see the consequences of his behaviors

Customer: It's affecting my relationship with my spouse I feel some resentment but I don't want o leave him n create the same scenario for my six year old but at imes I want to leave o do whatever my 20 yr old asks me to do even go live with his dad n fake a relationship bu I don't think I can stomach that I have such low in hate that guy n his family n I don't like to hate anyone
Customer: How or what kind of help can I seek locally? Sometimes I feel I'm in need of guidance
Customer: Or do I just directly seekmu?
Brad :

have you considered going to individual therapy?

Customer: Seek u
Brad :

you current issues is very complex to sort out through this forum. I will however give you suggestions on how to resume communication with your son, but I feel your situation is really complex for me to answer through this forum

Customer: I tet I'm lot daily I'll things like we missy ur I'll brother missesbu or things y I'd year old I'll say about him like I don't want o watch that cartoon until my big brother watchenit with me u we both likeit
Customer: N right now he lost his first tooth o I will text him tht n a pic n tell him we luv him n miss him
Brad :

Instead of writing how much you miss your son, talk about your concerns of his behaviors.

Customer: Is tht good or bad? T imes I think tht might be empowering him to keep away n see that it's hurting me n keeping oing it
Brad :

He knows you will support him no matter what he does.

Brad :

It may be time for some tough love

Brad :

there are no consequences for his behaviors

Customer: I have exted him that to my on earned buti fear tht he will o things more on purpose just to o
Customer: Go against me
Customer: Ur right
Brad :

I encourage you no to text him constantly as you are doing since this will drive him away

Brad :

I encourage you instead to write down your concerns in a form of a letter

Brad :

edit it so that it shows your concerns...not how much you miss him

Brad :

although I know you do miss him

Brad :

he already knows that

Customer: K
Brad :

anything else?

Customer: N then do I just it n wait?
Brad :

No, write a draft letter of your concerns for your son. Edit the letter as much as you can. If he continues to ignore you, send the letter to him and see if he responds

Brad :

give him some space...he is trying to figure things out...as scary as this sounds...if he is in harms danger, he will seek out the help he needs

Customer: So the text him drives him away u think? K I'll write the letter so do I mail it? I fear he will just throw it away or I can put it on his bed
Customer: K
Brad :

Yes, texting will drive him away

Customer: Thanks
Brad :

I hope you found me helpful

Customer: Should I wait n see wht girl sys I gave her my number I won't contact her myself unil he seeks me
Customer: Yes
Customer: Thnks
Brad :

You don't have to...I think you still can write the draft letter while you wait. If you don't hear back from her when you are done, give him the letter.

Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience: 10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist
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10 years of experience in working with youth and adults