I just want to get a clearer view on what's happening to me. June 12, 2011, for me, was just like every other day. I went to a BBQ and then a party with my friends that night. I did
get extremely intoxicated that night, but it wasn't as if I'd never been that drunk before. The next day I was extremely hung over (I was sick probably 12-13 times that morning/afternoon), but I thought I could just sleep it off. I was starting to feel better when my vision started blurring every once and a while. I kept thinking it was nothing, and that I was probably just tired because the longer I was awake the more often it happened. I decided to go to sleep. Lying there, I suddenly got this instant feeling of doom and despair. I thought I was having a stroke
. My mother had just died of one the year before, and knowing that a stroke would make you confused and disoriented, I started repeating multiplication tables to myself and pacing back and forth in my room.
Since that night my life has never been the same. While I was finally able to get control of the debilitating panic
attacks and am able to function in society again, I constantly deal with health anxieties
, especially at night. The moment I look up a symptom and some life-threatening disease is mentioned, I immediately think I have it even though I know it's irrational and illogical. I can barely make it in a plane from San Jose to Burbank, CA because I'm afraid of having a stroke up in the air and dying. I have noticeable cognitive impairments. I use to be an excellent speller, and have perfect grammar. I can honestly tell that I'm losing that part of myself to this disease. I forget things extremely quickly when I use to have almost a photographic memory. I went from having headaches once in a blue moon to having them almost every day. I can't sleep unless someone I completely trust, a group that only consists of 4 people, are sleeping
with me. I have to sleep with the TV on because silence and darkness bring on panic in horrific waves that won't relent. I have horrific bouts of depersonalization that seem to last forever.
I won't say that I wasn't without problems before. I suffered, and still do, from severe depression, have had auditory and visual hallucinations in the past (most recently this past August), and have a problem with impulsive behavior. I have tried to commit suicide on one occasion, have been placed in a ward twice for admitting to want to kill myself (separate occasions than when I actually tried), and have been self-harming since I was 15 years old. I have a crippling fear of abandonment by those who say they love me, to the point where I will pretty much do anything to keep that person from leaving my little world, but I don't even think of their feelings when someone better, brighter, and new comes along.
I feel like I'm going crazy (or crazier), and I can't get control of the chaos that plagues me everyday. More and more often I get thoughts of suicide again, which I find strange because what's ruining my life more and more is the constant worry that I am, in fact, dying. I've gone through a barrage of medications that never seem to work. The only thing I take now is Clonazepam to sleep.
What is going on with me? Is this just anxiety and depression, or something more?