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Dr-A-Greene
Dr-A-Greene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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I am 50, mildly attractive, good weight, but at 50 Im not

Customer Question

I am 50, mildly attractive, good weight, but at 50 I'm not all that anymore. My boyfriend watches porn with girls with perfect bodies, tits up to the sky, that's not me. Now that I've seen what he's looking at, I no longer feel he really thinks I'm hot and beautiful., how could he if he thinks 25 year olds r hot and he's getting off to them? I look nothing like that and I'm feeling terribly insecure and I don't want it to ruin a great thing, but I now feel oold fat and ugly, what the heck do i do, he won't even give it up?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

While I don't like his answer about getting rid of the porn, let's forget about that for a moment.

How is your love life with your husband? Is it the same as usual? Is it different?

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.
Boyfriend, not husband - sorry about that!
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thats it? what I get 4 35 bucks? what the heck do i do? yes everythings fine everywhere else
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

No, no! I'm asking some questions to clarify the situation for myself, like I would in therapy. It affects the answer!

So, you said it's good everywhere else. What brought up the issue with the pornography then?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I was using his computer and I saw the videos he has on his laptop?and what does it mean u don't like his answer?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I was using his computer and I saw the videos he has on his laptop?and what does it mean u don't like his answer?

 

 

And he says I should accept all of him that's what u do in a relationship

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Well, I wasn't thrilled that he said that if you love him that you have to love his pornography too - that seems a little manipulative. You can love someone without loving (or even liking) everything about them.

That said, it sounds like you discovered it on accident - it's not something he's throwing in your face or asking you to emulate, which is good. Also, you said that everything else is fine, so that's also good. Can I ask why you want him to get rid of it then if you don't believe it's threatening your relationship? What does it mean to you?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He always tells me how beautifuland wonderful I am, If so why the heck does he need to look at perfect bodies to get off, mine will never be again, and i feel compared and now embarrassed to get undressed

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He always tells me how beautifuland wonderful I am, If so why the heck does he need to look at perfect bodies to get off, mine will never be again, and i feel compared and now embarrassed to get undressed

 

next to them I look fat, hanging tits, scars from baby, they're perfect, I cant b

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He always tells me how beautifuland wonderful I am, If so why the heck does he need to look at perfect bodies to get off, mine will never be again, and i feel compared and now embarrassed to get undressed

 

next to them I look fat, hanging tits, scars from baby, they're perfect, I cant b

 

why the heck would he want to c my body?

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Because he loves you!

I'm very glad he tells you how beautiful and wonderful you are - that's important. And, I think he means it too!

The cruel irony of time is that as we age, what we find attractive (visually) doesn't age with us. If you think about it honestly, are you more attracted to a 30-year-old with chiseled muscles or a 55-year-old man with wrinkles who's starting to sag?

 

The issue is that women often override their thoughts about what they find visually stimulating and focus just on their partners. Unfortunately, most men don't. They are more visually stimulated and the vast majority of them use pornography. And, as you know, pornography focuses on young, young women. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and it also doesn't mean that he no longer finds you attractive. My hunch is that he both loves and desires you.

My other hunch is that you feel most upset by the pornography because it reminds you (like you said above) of what you won't be again - not because it actually threatens the integrity of the relationship.

So, the question is, do you want him to abstain from all pornography while he is in a relationship with you? If it upsets you enough, this might have to be the ground rule that you set. However, I am wondering if that needs to happen?

I welcome your thoughts...

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He always tells me how beautifuland wonderful I am, If so why the heck does he need to look at perfect bodies to get off, mine will never be again, and i feel compared and now embarrassed to get undressed

 

next to them I look fat, hanging tits, scars from baby, they're perfect, I cant b

 

why the heck would he want to c my body?

 

and now he's geting mad because I'm upset, he says it's totally bullshit

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

 

 

Then if he's only stimulated by young fresh bodies

 

why the heck would he want to c my body?

 

and now he's geting mad because I'm upset, he says it's totally bullshit

and he says i need tl love and accept him as is, the porn is staying

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

It's not bullshit. If it upsets you, there must be a reason. If the presence of the pornography makes you that insecure, he may need to make a choice - the relationship or the porn.

While ideally this wouldn't have to happen, he should respect your wishes and the fact that it makes you upset. You could remind him that his words and his behavior are incongruent. If he truly finds you as attractive as he says he does, why does he insist on watching other women, etc?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
IHe says its not that im unattractive its that sometimes he likes to watch other women? that's from him directly, so should I want other men?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
IHe says its not that im unattractive its that sometimes he likes to watch other women? that's from him, and he will leave me if i say no porn cz it makes me feel not attractive to him, like im not good enough
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

No don't need to be attracted to other men, but if you did I wouldn't necessarily say that anything was wrong with it either. Lots of couples use pornography with each other or on their own and it actually adds to their sex life. But it completely depends on how you view it. If you think that pornography is degrading and it makes you feel bad, then you need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a talk with him about how it makes you feel and why you don't approve. Hopefully you can come to an agreement about it that doesn't end in the break-up of the relationship.

On the other hand, if you think that you could enjoy it without being threatened (realizing that it's a fantasy and has nothing to do with real life or real relationships) then that's okay too.

Again, it all depends on your point of view.

Dr-A-Greene and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

He has reminded me that we had an agreement of dont ask dont tell and I am violating it. Also that I am messing up a good thing because I said before that I accepted it and now I dont.

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Is there any truth to that? Did you have an agreement before? If so, what did it mean to you?

(You're allowed to change your mind even if you did have an agreement, by the way!)

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yes we made an agreement of dont ask dont tell but when I saw the porn it makes me feel unattractive. I told him that I can change my mind. He said its not so much about the porn as it is he does not want to be compelled to do something he doesnt want to cause he will resent me for it later.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Okay. So it sounds like you talked about it before and made a tentative agreement. However, you changed your mind and now he's faced with the decision to give something up because it makes you uncomfortable. All of that is fine. You have a right to ask this of him, just as he has a right to object to it.

However, in the grand scheme of things, relationships are about making compromises (at least healthy relationships are). They aren't about blindly accepting everything. So, if this is something you really want, it can become a point of compromise. Would it be amenable to you for him to give up the videos (but okay with printed materials, let's say?) or does he have to give up all forms of porn? If so, is there a compromise you can make for him? This should be about give and take, if possible.

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think he won't give it up because all his last wives made him and they leaft him anyway...so now he's making a big ole point. when i had nothing to do with ther relationship, I said to take off all his favorite chickks he loven so miore then me, and if he want porn go random on the computer, not having his special girls that r his perfection type. I'm not sure he can now make me feel aattrsctive sfter this, he was my muse, he was what made me feel so special, now it like im not so special after all
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 5 years ago.

Oh, I think you're still special. I really do. You're obviously impassioned about the relationship and are seeking help to save it as well - that makes you even more special! Don't let this discovery get you too down.

 

I know it has to be disappointing and kind of disorienting to know that he is watching other women. It feels like cheating in a way. But please remember that when it comes to sharing his heart, his feelings, and his life you are the only one. I think that in his own bumbling way, that's what he's trying to tell you. These other women aren't real and don't represent what's truly important to him. But if it hurts you too much and you don't think you'll be able to get past it, you might need to move on. Either way, I am wishing you the best.

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