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While I don't like his answer about getting rid of the porn, let's forget about that for a moment.
How is your love life with your husband? Is it the same as usual? Is it different?
No, no! I'm asking some questions to clarify the situation for myself, like I would in therapy. It affects the answer!
So, you said it's good everywhere else. What brought up the issue with the pornography then?
I was using his computer and I saw the videos he has on his laptop?and what does it mean u don't like his answer?
And he says I should accept all of him that's what u do in a relationship
Well, I wasn't thrilled that he said that if you love him that you have to love his pornography too - that seems a little manipulative. You can love someone without loving (or even liking) everything about them.
That said, it sounds like you discovered it on accident - it's not something he's throwing in your face or asking you to emulate, which is good. Also, you said that everything else is fine, so that's also good. Can I ask why you want him to get rid of it then if you don't believe it's threatening your relationship? What does it mean to you?
He always tells me how beautifuland wonderful I am, If so why the heck does he need to look at perfect bodies to get off, mine will never be again, and i feel compared and now embarrassed to get undressed
next to them I look fat, hanging tits, scars from baby, they're perfect, I cant b
why the heck would he want to c my body?
Because he loves you!
I'm very glad he tells you how beautiful and wonderful you are - that's important. And, I think he means it too!
The cruel irony of time is that as we age, what we find attractive (visually) doesn't age with us. If you think about it honestly, are you more attracted to a 30-year-old with chiseled muscles or a 55-year-old man with wrinkles who's starting to sag?
The issue is that women often override their thoughts about what they find visually stimulating and focus just on their partners. Unfortunately, most men don't. They are more visually stimulated and the vast majority of them use pornography. And, as you know, pornography focuses on young, young women. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and it also doesn't mean that he no longer finds you attractive. My hunch is that he both loves and desires you.
My other hunch is that you feel most upset by the pornography because it reminds you (like you said above) of what you won't be again - not because it actually threatens the integrity of the relationship.
So, the question is, do you want him to abstain from all pornography while he is in a relationship with you? If it upsets you enough, this might have to be the ground rule that you set. However, I am wondering if that needs to happen?
I welcome your thoughts...
and now he's geting mad because I'm upset, he says it's totally bullshit
Then if he's only stimulated by young fresh bodies
and he says i need tl love and accept him as is, the porn is staying
It's not bullshit. If it upsets you, there must be a reason. If the presence of the pornography makes you that insecure, he may need to make a choice - the relationship or the porn.
While ideally this wouldn't have to happen, he should respect your wishes and the fact that it makes you upset. You could remind him that his words and his behavior are incongruent. If he truly finds you as attractive as he says he does, why does he insist on watching other women, etc?
No don't need to be attracted to other men, but if you did I wouldn't necessarily say that anything was wrong with it either. Lots of couples use pornography with each other or on their own and it actually adds to their sex life. But it completely depends on how you view it. If you think that pornography is degrading and it makes you feel bad, then you need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a talk with him about how it makes you feel and why you don't approve. Hopefully you can come to an agreement about it that doesn't end in the break-up of the relationship.
On the other hand, if you think that you could enjoy it without being threatened (realizing that it's a fantasy and has nothing to do with real life or real relationships) then that's okay too.
Again, it all depends on your point of view.
He has reminded me that we had an agreement of dont ask dont tell and I am violating it. Also that I am messing up a good thing because I said before that I accepted it and now I dont.
Is there any truth to that? Did you have an agreement before? If so, what did it mean to you?
(You're allowed to change your mind even if you did have an agreement, by the way!)
Okay. So it sounds like you talked about it before and made a tentative agreement. However, you changed your mind and now he's faced with the decision to give something up because it makes you uncomfortable. All of that is fine. You have a right to ask this of him, just as he has a right to object to it.
However, in the grand scheme of things, relationships are about making compromises (at least healthy relationships are). They aren't about blindly accepting everything. So, if this is something you really want, it can become a point of compromise. Would it be amenable to you for him to give up the videos (but okay with printed materials, let's say?) or does he have to give up all forms of porn? If so, is there a compromise you can make for him? This should be about give and take, if possible.
Oh, I think you're still special. I really do. You're obviously impassioned about the relationship and are seeking help to save it as well - that makes you even more special! Don't let this discovery get you too down.
I know it has to be disappointing and kind of disorienting to know that he is watching other women. It feels like cheating in a way. But please remember that when it comes to sharing his heart, his feelings, and his life you are the only one. I think that in his own bumbling way, that's what he's trying to tell you. These other women aren't real and don't represent what's truly important to him. But if it hurts you too much and you don't think you'll be able to get past it, you might need to move on. Either way, I am wishing you the best.