1. But what if that was the real reason I decided to go? I mean, that wasn't what made me initially think about it. I think that was because I thought we were going to drive right by there, and my friend from that town wanted me to stop by, and I thought maybe I should go see it, because I knew this would be my only time in years (or maybe ever) I would be close, to go there. It is sad that I equate my college campus with what happened, when I spent 4 years there, and I made some of my best and life-long friends there, and had so many awesome and fun times there. But then the thought kind of repulsed me. I didn't really want to go anywhere near it. But then when I decided to go at the last minute, it was because I didn't want to have to go back home and face the fact that I chickened out and couldn't handle it. I did want to show myself I could be brave and it wouldnt affect me. But that didn't work, I guess. I didn't show myself anything. I thought maybe I got through it with no effect, but then the bad nightmare.
I wish I hadn't gone because I achieved the opposite of what I was trying to achieve. I will admit that I am upset. It shouldn't bother me. It's just a place. An it's been there all this time. But, first, it bothers me that when I saw it, I saw that there was only about a 20 foot section of the side of the turn-around where one can walk straight into the park. (I could see that because there are no leaves on the trees this time of year). Any other place, and going through the trees would have brought us to a steep hill. This is just further indication that everything worked out so perfectly that night forwhat happened --- the right place in the trees, the bottle being there, my walking back to the sorority house and then choosing to walk back to the party that way. WHY?? It's as if it was meant to happen, in which case I am really pissed off.
Second, for some reason it bothers me that they have put in a colorful playground right next to where it happened. They have covered thestone stage and put in several small buildings. And there is now a paved pathwy going up behind the stage, instead of the dirt path I went up when it was over. It is obviously now an outdoor concert/theater/art space. I know that shouldn't make me upset, but it does. It bothers me that all these families are walking all over that park every summer, their kids playing feet away from what happened. I wish I had found that it was bulldozed and full of trash. I don't know why.
Also, I feel like the place itself has moved on and is better - and why shouldn't it have, after all this time? But I maybe am resentful because I have recently discovered that I haven't. I don't know what I expected to see. It wasn't going to look the same no matter what. It was daytime. If it had been at night, I would have been too scared, probably.
I just can't believe it seems to have had such an impact on me. I really thought it might have none. Am I being overdramatic? It just seems like I am so sensitive lately.
You said to look at it a different way - that I thought it might helo in my recovery and thought I needed to do it. I can't change my motivation for doing it now --- but I could try to change the way I look at it. Is that what you meant?
2. Thanks for your response to my second question. I understand all that, and I am not implying I do nto want to have actual intercourse if I fall in love and get married. I really want to. I just wondered if, in a normal healthy sexual relationship, the normal thing would be for things to always progress to that, or if it is sometimes just fooling around. I know that probably seems odd. I just wanted to know. With P, her husband always wanted to have sex and apparently, he wanted to try out stuff from the porn he was looking at. She felt totally uncomfortable, but thought it was her duty as a wife (he probably told her that) -- she's from a different generation than ours. Then, I think it got to the point where he was so drunk all the time, it wasn't an issue.
3. I am glad I can write to you - even late. It doesn't matter that you can't respond until tomorrow. It's just calming to be able to get stuff out when I am thinking it. I feel like this trip screwed things up even more. Now I think I need to get away again - but this time, somewhere where I don't know anyone and to where I've never been before, and by myself with my dog. Of course, I HAVE to catch up on work. No chance I can go anywhere anytime soon.
I'm going to be totally straight with you, Kate: I feel awful. I thought I would feel better when I got home, but I feel worse. I am so sad. I think maybe you're right that part of it is having gone back there. And what you said about losses and mourning them -- I kind of looked up what you were taliking about. I started to make a list. Some things I cn't really include, because I was a 21 year old college student on my way to law school. I don't have any clue what my real life was supposed to be like. So I don't know what I have missed or what I haven't, or whether certain things were a result of what happened or something else or of nothing. But I just started with what I know I lost. But I can't finish - at least right now. I am feeling even more tearful and sad. As I said, I think I am a little depressed. I am all nervous and anxious just sitting here, and I am afraid to go to sleep. I feel like I am so thin-skinned and overly-sensitive, and I don't know how I got this way or how to get back to not being like this.
Is there anything right now to make me feel better?
PS - I still meed to fill you in on my conversation with my parents the other night.