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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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After being divorced for 2years I have met this guy 5weeks

Customer Question

After being divorced for 2years I have met this guy 5weeks ago and we have been seeing each other at least twice a week & every weekend since we met. Every time we are together we talk endlessly about everything and anything. I enjoy his company very much, his open minded, outgoing & love life, he just fit in my life like a glove. I feel at peace with him. He has been divorced for two years as well with three kids two girls stay with the mother & the son at boarding school & comes home to his dad every weekend. I have not met him officially yet, he has already asked to meet my kids but I suggested we take one day at a time. He also told me that he seeing someone but he wants this to work cause it's what he was looking for.
Do you think I'm on the right track? How long must I wait before I give it my all? How do I know he is real? What signs must I look for? What do I do to make him see I'm serious about him & love him for real? Please advise on the wayfoward?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your questions.

 

It sounds like you are on the right track with the relationship. But there are some concern over how he is handling the relationship so far. For one, he is in a relationship right now and is also with you twice a week and each weekend. You have been together for 5 weeks. This is something to pay attention to because it could mean that although he is a great guy, he might have a problem with staying faithful. People do meet others outside of their relationship and leave, but if he has done this before (like during his marriage), it may show a pattern you need to be aware of.

 

It might be a good idea to wait to get to know him better before you to open up emotionally in the relationship. Meet his children, spend time around him with his kids and get a better idea of how he treats his ex, his family and his friends. This will tell you a lot about his character. Also, your idea of taking this slow is good. It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and forget that you want this to be a long term (hopefully forever!) relationship. In order to be sure before you invest yourself, try watching what he does as if you are not involved with him, like an objective observer. It can help you have a more objective view and better judge what you see. This will help you see if he is real and serious about his feelings for you. Also, tell your friends and family about him and let them meet him. They can also help you see things about him that you may not be able to see right now.

 

Also, see how he handles the problems in his life. When something goes wrong, does he approach the problem by thinking it through or does he fly off the handle and get upset? In other words, is he quick to anger? Here are some other points to be aware of:

 

Does he seem dependent on others or does he handle his own life responsibly?

 

How does he seem with his money? Is he too generous, or does he seem unwilling to spend his money even for items that are needed?

 

Is he always thinking of others or does he talk about himself a lot?

 

Is he moody or does he seem laid back and easy going?

 

What attracted you to him? Does he still seem to have this trait and does it seem genuine?

 

Once you get a better feel of who he is, then you might want to let him know how you feel. The best way to do this is to tell him. Be honest and open. Let him know that as you have gotten to know him, you find you would like a relationship with him. See what he says. If he responds well, you can see if he is willing to have a monogamous relationship. Then let things develop from there.

 

I hope this helps you,

 

Kate

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, so far all the things you have asked me to be aware of i have already done so and they are all positive and looks geniune. He has already mentioned that as much as he is in a relationship, its not what he wants but he had hoped things will improve with time then he met me and want this one to work. I can only prove this with time, but just wonder what to do & questions to ask him than to sit & wait for a miracle. Now Kate where do i go from here, how deep can i go to get to know this guy without sounding pushy & desperate. Does it mean I can hope for the best?
Look forward to your response.
S
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

S,

 

It sounds like you are looking very thoroughly at this relationship and what you are finding is good.

 

The stage you are in with your relationship is called the investigatory exchange stage and it typically lasts at least 6 months. This is where the two of you get to know each others lives and found out more about one another. Specifically you learn each others life goals and objectives, likes and dislikes, and beliefs. Although you cannot speed this stage up, you can have a lot of fun with it which will deepen your relationship and draw you closer without seeming to be pushy or too direct.

 

Here are some resources to help you:

 

Getting to Know You by Jeanne McSweeney

 

365 Questions For Couples- Michael J. Beck

 

The Book of Questions-Gregory Stock Ph.D.

 

Use these resources as a way to have fun getting closer to each other and making your relationship deeper. The more you can know about each other, the more sure you will be that you are compatible. And it will give you a good foundation to your relationship. Don't try to push the relationship before the two of you are ready. Just be yourself and enjoy each other. If you do that, I think you can count on a good and solid relationship.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5576
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
In a weeks time we are going to meet my family members, do you think it's too soon?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Not if both of you are comfortable with meeting them and the reason for meeting them is just casual. You don't want anyone to imply more than that at this point.

 

You may also want to think about how you would introduce him. If you say he is a friend or boyfriend, how do you feel he would react to either? It might be a good idea for the two of you to talk about it before hand to be sure you have the same expectations. Also, how do you feel your family will react? Will they be friendly, protective of you, or hostile? If they give him a hard time, will he see it as a reason to end the relationship? If you consider these points and feel you can address them to your satisfaction, then it's probably fine.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate, we recently had a one-on-one discussion with my new guy and that's when I learnt that he is not yet divorced but separated from his wife for the past 19-months? He is very open about what is happening in his life though I get a sense that he is still very angry at his estranged wife as he does not even want to see her nor talk to her on the phone or even for her to drop kids at his house when they come to visit. We also discussed what we each want out of the relationship and as much as he strongly feel he wants a stable relationship but he is clear that he wants a companion and a person who shares similar interest but definitely no marriage soon of which I'm very comfortable with. He is also comfortable to meet some of my family.
I must say we connect very well both sexually and socially. We have done so much together in a short time and I really want to take this, one day at a time but we both struggle not to see each other as a result we are together twice or thrice a week. Is this wrong?
Are we moving too fast? Can I just enjoy this honeymoon phase whilst it last? What is it that I must be careful off at this stage? Moving forward, what can I do to make it work without loosing myself? Regards Sithembile
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello Sithembile,

 

It definitely sounds like the two of you are in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. It is ok to enjoy each other during this time. Be aware that you will want to be with your partner all the time and everything will seem perfect. This is the time that couples bond without knowing that much about each other. The attraction to each other takes over and recognizing differences and conflicts is non existent. As long as you are aware that this part of your relationship is temporary (as nice as it would be to stay in it!) and you both will become less intense about each other eventually.

 

Be careful that you don't push the relationship too hard. By that I mean that you don't try to do everything at once. Meeting each other's families is nice, but keep in mind that the two of you are infatuated with each other. Meeting families means you are committed to each other and you are not yet at that stage. As long as you are aware of that, there is nothing wrong with introducing your boyfriend to your family.

 

An important factor in your relationship is your boyfriend's current marital status. He may be separated and desperately want out of the marriage, but legally he still is married. Which means all of his assets and decisions will defer to his estranged wife. Until he is legally free from the marriage, he is committing adultery. And that may be used against him during the divorce. It is also a strain on his children because they have not yet had time to process their parents separation so introducing you into the picture may create some resentments and other issues.

 

To make your relationship work, you need to be aware of these issues and know when to be involved and when not to. Your boyfriend's wife and kids need to be priority until he is officially divorced. Then only his kids should be important. Allow for his need to be with them, maybe with you or maybe without initially. Be supportive but not intrusive. And allow your boyfriend to talk with you about his issues but don't respond by speaking negative about anyone in his life. You just want to be there for him for now.

 

Thank you ahead of time for your accept!

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.