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Ask-Rivka
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience:  Licensed Social Worker
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Hi, I got married this January although our relationship was

Customer Question

Hi, I got married this January although our relationship was a long distance relationship, just came over from the uk, then got married, even though we dated for 7 long years it was on a long distance bases he use to visit me almost every year, but we agreed on no sex before marriage now after our wedding I found out my husband do not have interest in sex he can go for weeks without sex, but in my case I wouldn’t mind to have sex 3 times a day. This is really a big problem in our relationship right now I don’t know what to do. Can u advice me
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 4 years ago.

Dr-A-Greene :

So you just began your sexual relationship?

Dr-A-Greene :

My question is, how do you know that your husband isn't interested? Has he expressed that or is it just a lack of initiation?

Customer:

he as not express that he is not intrested in fact he talk about sex always before i came

Customer:

be said i cant wait to have sex with you

Customer:

gave me diff. ways and style he will use

Customer:

but when i got here it was diff.

Customer:

are you there

Customer:

yes we just began our sexual relationship

Customer:

he told me that he cant have sex more often as i want it

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 4 years ago.

Interesting. He said he "can't"? When you do have relations, is it positive for both of you (i.e. when you do have sex is it satisfying)? What do you know about his prior relationships?

 

Dr-A-Greene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
Dr-A-Greene and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i have not got the full answer i expected as in what can i do and advice u just ask me a question which i need to reply you know. also i dont understand how u charge for the service is it one time charge or u are going to be taking money form my account every month or for every answer u give me. pls. let me know
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 4 years ago.

I apologize - I will open the question to other experts so that they can help you more. Generally, I need more information to answer a question, so that's why I was asking. As for the monetary charges, please don't click "accept" for me, as you weren't satisfied.

Again, I will open this up to the field of competent experts out there - maybe they can help you more.

Thanks,

Dr. G.

 

Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 4 years ago.
Differences in sexual desire is HIGHLY common among couples. Luckily, there are a lot of professionals out there who see this issue in their office every day. Thus, you are absolutely not alone in this. This is the most common complaint from couples in my office. Low sexual desire can be from three factors.

1) Hormonal. Your husband could be low in certain chemicals that are necessary for sexual desire (such as Testosterone). He could be taking a medication which lowers your sex drive as well. He should talk to his doctor about these factors and perhaps he/she can help.

2) Psychological. If he is feeling stressed, anxious, feel that you worry a lot, or depressed, this may be hindering his sex drive. He may feel inexperience about sex or he may feel like he is not good. He may feel insecure or unsure about what to do in bed. There can be any number of reasons. Seeing that you waited until you were married, it's possible that he had little experience with other women and may be feeling that he does not know how to reach your standards. Furthermore, he may be feeling like he is unable to please you sufficiently, so he is avoiding sex as much as possible. Again, he can be psychologically dealing with any number of issues, so it would be important to try to figure out what may be going on.

3) Relational. If your relationship is suffering or your romance is little outside the bedroom, he may really not be in the mood for sex. Take some time to work on the emotional intimacy in the relationship (such as talking to each other and flirting with each other). OUTSIDE of the bedroom, tell him what he does well (sexually and in other ways in the relationship). Never talk about sex (like what to do better or what you would like to do) either in the bedroom or during sex. He may also be feeling pressured every night that you might want sex. Try setting two nights a week that you guys agree to have sex. Though this sounds un-romantic, this is a common suggestion. It gets the couple to look forward to sex and gives you time to think about it and prepare for it.

Lastly, you may want to work with a sex therapist to really explore what is going on and how to resolve this issue. You can find one in your area at www.aasect.org


I hope this helps. If my response has been helpful, please accept my answer. Good luck!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
thanks for the answer it helpful, when we have sex it is not satisfying to me he come so quickly i wish he could stay a little longer,
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 4 years ago.
VERY common complaint. this will come with time most likely because he doesn't have a lot of experience.

Try:
- having very much longer foreplay for you especially
- you having an orgasm before you two start sex (so manually, orally, etc)
- going more slowly than usually
- asking him to tell you when he is close so that you can take a break and start again when he is more calm
- ask him to think about non-sexual things
- limit the oral sex or foreplay on him
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 4 years ago.
I know there had been some confusion earlier with accepting answers. If I have been helpful for you, please click the green accept button to accept my answer. thank you!
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience: Licensed Social Worker
Ask-Rivka and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
you are very helpful, another concern i have is that he naturally do not talk to me if i don't break the silence he can stay for hours not talking to me. He doesn't like going out he is an indoor person i have to initiate going out, he refuses most of the time. he just go to work and come back home to eat and sleep he will not get involved with me like talking he will just say am tired i need to sleep that is it. that kind of behavior put me off, because i know are not having misunderstanding is just him. am really worried about this, please what can i do.
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 4 years ago.
sometimes men just need a little space, especially if you are living together and married. he sounds like an introvert and you sound like an extrovert. Introverts need time alone to recharge, so it's very important that you let him have some time to himself. one thing that works well for couples is to agree to have alone time and then agree on a set place/time that is talking time. for example, you can agree to have quiet, individual time from 5-6, but then from 6-7 you talk at dinner. then you can agree to have individual time again from 7-9 but then agree to go to bed together and hang out at 9. (for example). this will mean that he is guaranteed his quiet time, so he'll feel more receptive to your couples time. tell him that you want to meet his needs, but that you also need your emotional needs met as well.
Ask-Rivka, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 57
Experience: Licensed Social Worker
Ask-Rivka and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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