I did see someone before for depression about 10 yrs ago for depression. He said I did exhibit some behaviours and syptoms of bipolar but said he did not think I had the disorder. I do this usually Fri nights...my husband and I usually cap of the busy week with a few hours to ourselves in the garage. We both usually smoke and have some drinks...me more than him...and I usually do take it too far until I'm intoxicated. It's almost like I need the "release" of getting to the point where I just don't "think" anymore. I regret it the next day when I feel horrible and have to look after two busy kids 3 and 8. But I do it again the next Fri because I just can't resist how good it feels after a long week (teaching) to "let go". I have always had a very "all" or "nothing" personality. A little ocd....tightly wound...bit of a perfectionist...Then....usually about 2-3 times a year I usually really tie one on and usually embarass myself or do things I regret or that are unsafe...and I have a lot to lose and I wonder why the hell I compromise everything by doing something stupid. I think your comment about sabatoging things going well is very interesting.....I do seem to do this when I feel life is going great and I have a sense of euphoria and I feel the need to highten the feeling....why would I sabatoge things going well? whats wrong with me? how can I change?