I am glad to hear from you, though obviously not with this news. I am so sorry you're going through this and that this is happening to the children.
This is going to be tough but it truly sounds as though we've come to this place in the road:
You know the halacha about giving tochacha? It is a mitzvah to be mochiach, correct? Always? No. When not?
We are not allowed to try to be mochiach when the other person will reject the tochacha and might even go on to do further or greater aveiros because of the tochacha. Agreed?
Okay. That was the mashal. The nimshal?
Your kids are being taught NOT how to be narcissistic necessarily. Perhaps. But they may more likely be being taught how to be dependent personalities, subjugated to the powerful personalities throughout their lives. And here's the hard part:
You are becoming the object being used to teach them this lesson. Their father is too weak already and he's teaching them every time in court. But you're the object of the lesson because she's showing them how she will break you into pieces.
And she's doing it. Narcissists have no compunction in doing that.
You are thus not saving your children and you're not saving yourself.
Here's the hardest part:
I need you to go to your Rov or perhaps ask him to set up a meeting with him and other choshuve Robbonim and bring your question and my answer in for my eidus. I believe your further fighting your ex wife is hurting the children's ability to navigate at this point their lives with their mother. Your fighting her is not providing them with toeles in learning about or gaining independence. It is teaching them further subjugation.
I further believe that you are in grave danger for yourself. I have known husbands who have gone to jail and she's already maneuvered one into that situation.
Besides the sokanah of jail, I believe you are in grave sokanah in ruchnius. You are 37 and need to create a life.
Am I saying that you abandon these children? Yes, in the sense that you make yourself available within the confines she sets up without fighting them in any way. I believe you need to create a new life, perhaps a new family, IY"H.
This is my eidus to the Rov or Rabbonim.
Okay, I know that was hard for you. But please know that it's said from caring and concern. I hope you will consdier doing this with your Rov.
I wish you the very best!
Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX