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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Dear Dr Mark, May Hashem bless you, your family and those

Resolved Question:

Dear Dr Mark,
May Hashem bless you, your family and those that walk in His ways.

I have not spoken for a while. Things have got much worse.

Currently step children also are exhibiting symptoms of NPD combined with being taught to hate me and have been taught to tell lies in Police vidoes, to a child counselor and to social workers

Fact finding in court has ruled i am an abusive person and have now interim supervision orders place on me in respect to my children so i can only see my children a few hours a fortnight supervised.

My wife has a live in au pair to take care of everything and to mimick for the social workers and other assessments so no lack of empathy/play can be detected. She plays everything perfectly.

To top it all off the Guardians solicitor is a jew hating jew ! He has taken a real dislike towards me.
Even more surprising in the first husband (that also went through hell with her and has been so suportive of me and even begged me to return) etc has turned. inside the court he lies and labels me as an accomplice to my wife and pretends no knowledge of me or the care i have given to his children for 6 years !!

IT IS BEYOND INSANE... I am going through Shar ha-bitachon in duties of the heart but this is all too much. My beautiful children are being lost from me and i can do nothing.

There are funding issues for a planned psychiatric assessment of the parents (plus it is for a few hours only..how do you diagnose NPD in that time scale) and i am terrified the the psychological assessment for me will go badly as the court appointed Dr has been found and fed by the guardian solicitor and the Judgement in the fact finding that i am the controlling and abusive one.

How to Catch this women or the step children ?

I turn to Hashem .. any other advice please ???

ps Rabbinic personages for obvious reasons do not want to be involved.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
I am glad to hear from you, though obviously not with this news. I am so sorry you're going through this and that this is happening to the children.

This is going to be tough but it truly sounds as though we've come to this place in the road:

You know the halacha about giving tochacha? It is a mitzvah to be mochiach, correct? Always? No. When not?

We are not allowed to try to be mochiach when the other person will reject the tochacha and might even go on to do further or greater aveiros because of the tochacha. Agreed?

Okay. That was the mashal. The nimshal?

Your kids are being taught NOT how to be narcissistic necessarily. Perhaps. But they may more likely be being taught how to be dependent personalities, subjugated to the powerful personalities throughout their lives. And here's the hard part:

You are becoming the object being used to teach them this lesson. Their father is too weak already and he's teaching them every time in court. But you're the object of the lesson because she's showing them how she will break you into pieces.

And she's doing it. Narcissists have no compunction in doing that.

You are thus not saving your children and you're not saving yourself.

Here's the hardest part:

I need you to go to your Rov or perhaps ask him to set up a meeting with him and other choshuve Robbonim and bring your question and my answer in for my eidus. I believe your further fighting your ex wife is hurting the children's ability to navigate at this point their lives with their mother. Your fighting her is not providing them with toeles in learning about or gaining independence. It is teaching them further subjugation.

I further believe that you are in grave danger for yourself. I have known husbands who have gone to jail and she's already maneuvered one into that situation.

Besides the sokanah of jail, I believe you are in grave sokanah in ruchnius. You are 37 and need to create a life.

Am I saying that you abandon these children? Yes, in the sense that you make yourself available within the confines she sets up without fighting them in any way. I believe you need to create a new life, perhaps a new family, IY"H.

This is my eidus to the Rov or Rabbonim.

Okay, I know that was hard for you. But please know that it's said from caring and concern. I hope you will consdier doing this with your Rov.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Dr Mark,

I accept what you say but have a few questions to consider further.

1) I have been advised to get the best lawyer i can a fight through courts.
- Do you disagree ? It is extremely expensive and i will go into severe dept but it is b'coach nefesh for my children.

2) My children are at the moment somewhat in the dark due to ages (6,3,2) and have in innocence followed my wife. It is true she is creating dependance upon her which the courts are making worse by giving her residency and reducing my contact with the children. I have not seen the step children for over a year and they have been removed on interim measure into others carers homes following her inability to manage them.

So it is not that Social services are not aware of issues surrounding her.

They are also some people that say they will go to court and testify my warm relationship with the step children/children against what My wife and step children actually have stated.

Does this balance the chances a little and i should battle go through courts (which are setup to remove the rights of fathers) ?

Also couldn't the assessment diagnose her at hence all the other evidence be chucked out and good be victorious (sounds like purim story !)

3) I will speak to Rov after your comments on this email.

4) By my not showing my children strength to stand up for them am i not in danger of teaching them not to fight (like everyone else) and they will become mentally crushed like their step children with no outlet save long term mental damage

She is suffering quite alot of narcisstic injury at the moment and hence a real chance she will come unstuck at some point.

5) I could just go all out against her in court and it could ensure my children get adopted. It will mean i will have virtually no contact with them but at least they have a chance at a normal life. Comment ?

Yosh
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Yosh,

I am too far from the scene to advise more than generally. My eidus is that in general, if the narcissistic mother, as a mother, has financial resources, the father will NOT prevail even with a good attorney. She also can hire a good attorney. The court is not necessarily friendly to frumkeit. But mostly: she is prepared to lie and to manipulate and to use leverage to get others to lie. With her own ability to hire a good attorney she has power.

Given this general siutaiton, my eidus to the Robbonim would be that putting you in debt (I've seen this happen) will not change the outcome of her having sole custody and you having supervised visitation or at the best, XXXXX XXXXX visitation. You will only be in tremendous debt.

As to the children's being deserted, yes, to a certain extent. Chayecha kodmim is a principle. But there is also the principle that pikuach nefesh is only applicable if your actions will actually have a chance of achieving pikuach. My concern is that your actions have a chance of making the 6 year old's life more subjugated. And that the constant need on her part to make you into a villain in her kids' eyes is going to be exacerbated by your fighting her. It may take years, this fight.

True, if you make another family, she will use it to prove to her kids further how you're the villain. But she will use anything for that purpose.

In the end, these are shaylas the Rov or Robbonim must decide. Whether it is or not pikuach nefesh, whether you are mechuyav to borrow to get a good laywer, etc. are halachic shaylos. We know your heart says to fight. I applaud you on that. But my eidus can only be based on my training, experience, and insight.

Yosh, there is no wonderful outcome here until your kids are much older. By then I am hoping you will have grown as well in your own life so that when your kids are able to form independent relationships with you, they will see a man who's wise and frum and giving and loving and that they can then begin to grow by having a deeper relationship with you.

I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5030
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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