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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5108
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Customer Question

I have not confronted my husband to date -chickened out. He stopped using internet porn abruptly - basically because of his daughter having her senior pictures as a "favorite" and I think he was afraid of doing the delete deal for brower web pages at the time - Jan. 27. My software crapped out so I was not able to "see" what he was doing but, the Google search had not shown any porn site due to above. Anyway, I put a parental code on the cable stations so he could not see MA14 which stopped any Adult Programming, etc. He made a comment about me keeping him from seeing certain movies, but I didn't respond. I got my software downloaded again to monitor him, have not to date. I had hoped by prohibting his "Adult Programs" on TV and that he had seemed to stop the internet porn, he had decided to stop but, I caught him last night jerking off to any woman on "regular cable TV movies". Each time a woman was on screen he wacked off and when a man showed up he stopped. So sick that he still holds his genitals from me but, will jerk off to any woman on screen! This must be his replacement to internet porn / cable tv adult programming. I guess he showed me, by utilizing what he has access to and still feed his obsession. He has planned on us having a "date night" tomorrow night. The last time we had sex was Jan. 31 with me overtly pushing the act. If he doesn't seek sex tomorrow night, I will have to finally say something to him. I hate confrontation, as you may have already summed up. What is your advice? I looked for a counselor, and there are none locally. Would have to travel 70 to 100 miles to see one.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi! I'm so sorry that the situation has gotten this bad. But actually, it hasn't gotten any worse, it's only clarified the problem. But I'm very sorry you're going through this. You were seeking a normal marriage with someone who has a normal relationship with his sexuality.

And you have seen now that your husband's sexuality is not at all normal. He has an addiction problem. The question is now whether he still has the ability to have any normal sexual intimacy or if his obsession and addiction have now overtaken him to the point that he no longer has desire for normal sexual interaction.

Last time I recommended certified sex therapists. At this point he will need also group therapy, perhaps a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. Here's the web address for Sex Addicts Anonymous: http://www.sexaa.org/

But my main concern: I am not confident he has the willingness to seek help.And this is going to put tremendous pressure on you. What do I mean?

You must therefore be willing to put it all on the line. The whole marriage. That's about as confrontational as it gets. But I've seen more often than not that when the obsession and addiction have gotten this pathological, nothing less will get the message across. He'll just play you till you back down and he continues on.

I wish there was an easier way, but you're dealing with true pathology here. So, be strong, be confident that you're okay and you'll be okay and then give him the opportunity to seek help and if not, then you may have to take some radical steps.

What do you think?

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Hi. I see you haven't responded yet to my answer. I would be very interested in hearing back from you on whether you thought my response was on target or if we need to continue with further clarification. Let me know,

Dr. Mark

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