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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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My father has cut himself of from my brother and I. He has

Resolved Question:

My father has cut himself of from my brother and I. He has done this many times throughout our lives and told his friends that we are out to get his money and steal his things. He tells his girlfriend that we are not really his children and that he bought us up and paid for our university education. This is all extremely untrue. Our Mother bought us up and he never even paid child support let alone for our university education. He is rather reclusive and has few friends. What do you think is wrong with him?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

That is an extremely hurtful situation.

CoachJenK :

I think the work here is less about understanding the reasons why he has behaved in the manner he has, but more about helping you come to terms with a father who has shown no regard for you in any aspect of your life through all of your years.

Customer:

Yes, it has been extremely hurtful throughout my life and impacted me greatly over the years

CoachJenK :

tell me how you have suffered from this as I can imagine.

CoachJenK :

Have you been in counseling before to process all of this? you deserve to live a life free from this pain and a bit of support can go a long way.

Customer:

Well, I guess I have always wanted a Dad - and I do love him, but he has been emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me by criticising me constantly and putting me down. He also tired to sexually abuse me when I was 13 years old, but I told him no and got away.

Customer:

Counselling - not really....

CoachJenK :

I think it could do a world of good as you need a safe place to talk of these very painful feelings

Customer:

I don't trust him around my daughter and never leave him alone with her and I watch his every move when around him

Customer:

True

CoachJenK :

you are right to protect your child

Customer:

I guess I've become quite philosophical about it as I've become older, and I don't let it get to me as much

CoachJenK :

yes I get that but it has had an impact and you have suffered

Customer:

True, I guess I wonder if it something he can't help i.e. paranoid personality disorder, or something he has control over.

CoachJenK :

it is possible he suffers from some mental illness but that you cant control...you can only get the help for yourself.

Customer:

I'm very tempted to try and call him again in case he answers.....but the last message I left I said that 8 messages were enough and I wasn't going to leave any more, that he new our number and could call us.

Customer:

It has been 5 months now and he has not returned any of my calls - even when I had a miscarriage

CoachJenK :

and how sad for you

CoachJenK :

I feel for you

Customer:

and did not acknowledge the christmas hamper we left at the door

Customer:

Oh, I'm used to it lol - but yes it makes me sad sometimes

CoachJenK :

you need the support. as used to it as you might be it still hurts and affects you. This is your father.

Customer:

His girlfriend rang me this morning. He has forbidden her to have any contact with me, and has told her that we are probably not his children, that we are after his money and I steal his soap (of all things lol)

Customer:

He discourages her from seeing her family which is really sad

CoachJenK :

he seems to have some big difficulties. Can she convince him to get some help?

Customer:

Anyway - do you think I should just leave it and stick to my guns about not calling him, or should I try again to reconnect

Customer:

She tells him off about it, but he won't listen and he definately won't get help

Customer:

He accused my mother-in-law of going through his stuff once when she was over looking after Jessica and feels that the in-laws are spying on him

Customer:

All they do is ring him every now and then to ask how he is, but he never returns their calls.

CoachJenK :

seems like he is suffering from something, but if you cant get him evaluated then you need to take care of you.

Customer:

If they knock on the door he hides out the back

Customer:

True, so what do you suggest?

CoachJenK :

I suggest you do two things...

CoachJenK :

speak with his girlfriend about getting him into some treatment

CoachJenK :

get yourself some therapy as well. you need that space to talk about your feelings and how hurtful this has been for you and how it has impacted you

Customer:

Sure.... I guess I could do that. It just gets to me sometimes as I have difficulty working out if he is actually ill or just plain nasty

Customer:

or both lol

CoachJenK :

could be both. But, you are not nasty or ill and you deserve to live freely and happily. I want that for you

Customer:

Thanks :)

Customer:

I will speak to his girlfriend about getting him some therapy, but she will have buckley's I'm sure!

Customer:

and I'll look into therapy for me

Customer:

Should I call him?

CoachJenK :

remember you cant force anyone into therapy you can only take care of you.

CoachJenK :

You know the response if you call him....nothing!

Customer:

true

CoachJenK :

so its time for you now!

Customer:

true again... should I write him a letter perhaps?

CoachJenK :

what is the intent of the letter?

Customer:

or am I just being a glutton for punishment?

CoachJenK :

I like the idea of writing it so you can express yourself and bring it into therapy before sending it. That will help you unlock some of your feelings

Customer:

I guess the letter would be to let him know that we still care about him and want a relationship and try and dispel some of the delusions he is having about us

CoachJenK :

nothing wrong with that. Write it first for youself and then you can decide to send it.

CoachJenK :

it will be a great starting point for you when you get support for youself.

Customer:

Yep, sounds good

Customer:

at least then I know I've done everything I possibly could have done, without being destructive to myself

Customer:

I refuse to chase after him again...

CoachJenK :

exactly! you have a great head on your shoulders

Customer:

at least with a letter I can post it then leave the situation alone as it puts the ball back into his court entirely

CoachJenK :

right and then you can truly begin your work

Customer:

OK, sounds good. Thanks so much for listening - it has really been bugging me lately.

CoachJenK :

I am here if you need me...you can always ask directly for me by writing for CoachJenK only at the beginning of your question.

CoachJenK :

If you found our time together helpful please click accept. I am here to support you

Customer:

Do you do therapy too?

CoachJenK :

I d0

Customer:

online?

Customer:

or do you recommend face to face?

CoachJenK :

I think you will do better with face to face. I also cannot begin a relationship on Just answer and transfer it to a private therapeutic relationship.

Customer:

No problems. Thanks again for your listening ear. Much appreciated!

CoachJenK :

But I am here through just answer anytime you need me

CoachJenK :

You are a pleasure to work with

Customer:

Thanks - I'd better go tend to my 2 year old daughter

Customer:

Bye

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Licensed Master Social Worker. Certified Life Coach
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