Good Evening; I have read your question, and wonder if I can be of some help... this is a very complicated situation, and your son who is overseas seems to be being baited into giving his brother some attention he is looking for... and you are trying to find words to say to your son to help him through--- am I correct?
When I read the exchange, the first thought that came to mind was that Calixto is dealing with some jealousy and is trying to knock Jose's confidence in order to gain some power over him. I can imagine that Jose gets hurt and angry when he is approached in this fashion, especially since he is so far away... and for you, I'm sure you just want some peace and for the attacks to stop.
The best answer I can provide is this: we can only control ourselves, and although you can't stop the boys from hurting one another, you can advise Jose to put down some solid boundaries to let Calixto know what is acceptable behavior towards him and what isn't. The old saying is, "What we allow, we encourage." And another piece of wisdom is that people behave in less than pleasing ways for two reasons: 1. To gain something, or 2. To avoid something. I think Calixto is trying to gain attention, plain & simple. When Calixto makes personal attacks, the less attention paid to it, the less it will be encouraged. However, it is completely appropriate to let him know that these words hurt, and that sometimes the damage we inflict on those we love has a lasting effect... and that you love him, but cannot accept this behavior from him.
It is clear that you love your children, and it hurts you to see them hurting. I hope that the sibling rivalry slowly fades away, and that Calixto can find success in his own life. I also hope that with time, you will get to enjoy some happy times and memories made with your children. I wish you all the very best, XXXXX XXXXX let me know if you have any further questions or information to share! This chat will remain in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen if you'd like to access it at a later point.... take good care!!
I do agree with what you say, and I appreciate how you are saying it most of all. Calixto has always been argumentative with everybody. When we were sweet and loving towards him, he seemed to get a message that he could then be as nasty as he wanted to be, sadly, he mistook kindness for weakness. He was the most fun to be with, enjoyed life more than all the rest with great gusto, but he now has become bitter and drinking alcohol way too much. He was living back at home last year for about 6 months, but we had to tell him that he had to move out, for the 3 rd time. This was not what we had hoped for once again. When he left he stole the key to the car that his brother has here while he is overseas, as well as house keys, and we had no idea until he came one night and took the car. We believed the car was stolen ( it was actually ) , reported it to the police, but then , in the morning, wow. The car was back in the drive way. We were shocked. The police accused my husband of filing a false police report and threatened him with jail too. Calixto was moving that night to another apartment and we had no idea that he had a key for the car. Calixto was never permitted to drive his brothers car when he was living at home, just on general principals and that applied to anybody. Now, Calixto denies that he stole the key, took the car, and pretends that he is innocent. Then this attack on Jose'. I don't know what to say to Jose' except that he needs to not allow this exchange no matter what. Also, I feel that if Calxito does not return the key to his car, that Calixto has not come out of his denial and is not ready nor deserving of anybody trying to have any relationship with him. We have raised Calixto since he was a baby of only 2 years old but I don't believe at this point that he is ever going to be capable of a normal, non-adversarial relationship with any of us. I wish I were wrong, but I believe that I am not. I had such lovely ideas of us as a family, this makes me sad also. Thanks for your response, it is well said and makes good sense. I am going to relay it to Jose'. He is working way too hard to be distressed with this provocation and sadness both. Again , thanks.
I am so sorry for your pain; as a mother, I can only imagine how you feel having a child turn their back this way. I hope you can remember that it is important for all of you to draw the line for Calixto... and to tell Jose that he is on the right path and not to let anyone deter him. What goes around comes around, and telling Calixto that when he is ready and willing to play by the rules of love and family, you will welcome him with open arms. Letting him know that he has hurt you is also important. But, Jose: from me to you, your brother is feeling less than you, and all you can say to him is that you love him and hope he stops pushing those who love him away... for someday, he may need them. And leave it at that. Jose, thank you for your service and know that this, too, shall pass.... hang in there, folks!!!!!!!!
Thank you again, I have tears once again in my heart. I know you are right. I will share this with Jose', he has been beyond any hope or expectations for us throughout his life. I know that Calixto has hurt him also. I also believe, without any doubt that it is a futile effort to reach Calixto, for now. He loves limits so he can break them. I know that I have to harden my heart, and protect myself , from his emotional damage. I hate it but I also believe that is what Jose' needs to do for now. Life is not always easy. Thank you for being kind also.