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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I met this guy at a friends party.We kissed.He went back home to Dubai.He pursued me

Customer Question

I met this guy at a friend's party.We kissed.He went back home to Dubai.He pursued me..lured me for one month with constant texts and calls (calling me beautiful, sexy, the whole package, making promises of future trips, etc), only to cut off all contact with me after I went to London for a weekend to see him. After a night of sex, he stopped complimenting me, began devaluing me (calling me insecure and needy because I asked him what was wrong) and ultimately ignoring me or distancing himself right before his departure.When I returned home, he sent me one picture of us together in London, then never contacted me again and ignored two of my final texts.I'm left wtih so much pain and loss.And he is probably moving on with no care in the world.I refuse to call him or confront him in any way.But I'm suffering mourning the loss of his words and constant attention in the beginning.I'm left wondering if I did something wrong or if I was not good enough.How do I get over this narcissistic guy?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
Hi there- In hopes of not sounding culturally insensitive, I will preface this by saying that I lived in the United Arab Emirates for 4 years and have had a lot of experience dealing with Emirati men and women. I have also heard of this same situation (with Emirati women and foreign women) numerous times. I think what we have here is the case where the cultural context was not fully understood. Emirati men usually (for the most part) will marry one of their own, but are quite accustomed to having relationships with foreign women before marriage or even while married. White women in particular are highly sought after and are known in the Emirates as easy while they are on vacation. In this case, it really sounds like you did absolutely nothing "wrong" but that you were not fully aware of this common situation. Try telling yourself that this was a cultural misunderstanding and that it was not personal. All of his behaviors are VERY common there. I'm only generalizing because I've seen this case time and time again with British, Canadian, Norwegian, Dutch, and Swiss women. If you still feel sad and need to process what happened, I would encourage you to talk to a counselor. You can find one by looking on your health insurance website.

I hope this has reassured you that it sounds like it absolutely was not personal.

Good luck.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I was not necessarily looking to get married. I was led to believe that this would be a romantic weekend in london that would lead to more romantic moments with him going forward. He was of Lebanese origin living in Dubai. Educated in the United States. We have one mutual friend from his business school in the US. We did have several discussions during the course of the month preceding the london trip where I asked him if this was just "unfinished business" for him and not to play me because he could easily get sex elsewhere. He swore he was not playing and to not insult him by calling it unfinished business. He told me that he would not go through all this trouble of one month texts and calls and planning trips together, if he did not like me. It was very intense communication for one month. He had even invited me to Dubai at some point. I am Meditteranean (Greek-American) and he knew how I felt and how I was from the beginning...similar to Lebanese girls. I had told him I am not the kind to just sleep around. He knew. And while we were in London, he could not believe how sweet and nice I was. He kept commenting about that, almost as if it was something bad. I think that made him quite uncomfortable in fact. The worst part was when I was in London with him. We went out to dinners, hung out with his business school buddies there, etc. But his demeanor changed the day of his departure. All cold and distant. Also quite critical of others and of me. It just seemed that he had low self esteem and that he was out to hook me, devalue me and reject me in the end for the ultimate ego boost. I'm just surprised that he did not even want to see me after in Dubai. No second encounter. I wonder if the only thing he enjoys is the challenge, the thrill of the chase. And now that he got me, he is off to his next target. Why bother with me again. Or he feels bad because he realized what kind of a girl I was. Is he a narcissist and I just fed his ego? Should I confront him and try to get some clear answers (perhaps I did or said something wrong...I had revealed to him that I was previously engage to a Tunisian man. my phone ringed several times one night and I did not pick up. he kept questioning this and asked me who it was. showed a lot of jealousy whenever he thought something was off or someone was flirting with me). I'm at a loss.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I asked a follow-up question and got no answer. Also, I think she based it entirely on a "cultural misunderstanding" without inquiring for further details about the actual man who I was referring to. While I think culture had something to do with it, I don't think that that was the only factor. Plus she did not address the issue of how to deal with such a man. Should I communicate with him, how should I process it. Telling me to see a counselor is not acceptable when I paid to have more valuable insight from this site.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I can give you a 'guy' perspective on this and I think it does interface a bit with what the previous expert said to you. I first, want to say that I think you actually have this figured out on your own, but are truly having a hard time accepting this. That is, it is though you have a wise, rational mind within you that has 'figured it out' because you are smart and high social intelligence. However, your emotional distress is due to the fact that you also have a more emotional, less rational train of thought that was extremely caught up in this fairy-tale like scenario, was hopeful that this might turn into a serious, meaningful relationship, full of love, mutual respect etc. And this aspect of your mind or thinking cannot believe a guy would do this to you. So here is one key point: You are actually struggling with this internal conflict between your strong, emotional, romantic, but less objective trains of thought, and the truly wise, rational mind you also have, that has pretty much figured this out already, regarding "WHY" he did this. Let me lay this out for you if I can:

So here is one of your statements dictated to your computer written by your 'wise rational mind":

"I asked him if this was just "unfinished business" for him and not to play me because he could easily get sex elsewhere." So here, your wise rational mind is suspicious that you might be simply 'played' by him for purposes of sex---a sort of sexual conquest he might want to have.

Now, here is a statement that is based on your emotional, romantic train of thought that seeks to counter the suspicion you had just written above (now, again all of this stuff is going on in your head back and forth---wise rational mind----emotional needy-romantic-mind, as a sort of internal debate about this guy) The emotional-romantic-less objective train of thought counters with:

" He swore he was not playing and to not insult him by calling it unfinished business. He told me that he would not go through all this trouble of one month texts and calls and planning trips together, if he did not like me. It was very intense communication for one month. He had even invited me to Dubai at some point." You see, here, you are saying that your emotional/romantic mind wants very much to believe his words; in this phrase, you are clearly caught up in the hoping-wanting-to-believe-fantasy of the idea that you want him to be serious about you and you love the intensity of the romantic communication. You want this dream to come true e.g., "if he invites me to Dubai at some point it MUST mean he loves me and I want him to care!!!"

More wise-rational mind:

"I had told him I am not the kind to just sleep around. He knew." Again, your wise rational mind was putting him on notice, warning him to not 'play you' here.

And then more emotional-romantic-less-objective train of thought follows the above train of thought:: " And while we were in London, he could not believe how sweet and nice I was." Your emotional translation: "He must TRULY care about me because he is complimenting me on being so sweet and nice---I'm just what he wants in this regard---and I'm certainly trying hard to be!"

And then a wise rational train of thought: "He kept commenting about that, almost as if it was something bad. I think that made him quite uncomfortable in fact." Translated by your wise rational mind: "I am a bit suspicious that he sort of thinks being so sweet and nice is bad. Does this comment actually mean that he is feeling a bit guilty because he knows he is actually just leading me on? Because if I were not so nice and sweet, he'd have less guilt and an easier time using or exploiting me? I'm wise here to at least be suspicious about what his intentions are"


The next emotional/nonobjective train of thought: "We went out to dinners, hung out with his business school buddies there, etc." Translated: When we did this, it helped verify that he was proud to be with me, show me off a bit to his friends and make me part of his life. Certainly, he must care!"

Then, your wise rational mind counters: "But his demeanor changed the day of his departure. All cold and distant. Also quite critical of others and of me. It just seemed that he had low self esteem and that he was out to hook me, devalue me and reject me in the end for the ultimate ego boost. I'm just surprised that he did not even want to see me after in Dubai. No second encounter. I wonder if the only thing he enjoys is the challenge, the thrill of the chase. And now that he got me, he is off to his next target. Why bother with me again." Translated: "I'm afraid I was living in a fairyland state of mind in believing him. His devaluing and mistreatment of me was a way for him to dump me cold so he would not have to feel guilty. It was his way of communicating to me that suddenly, for whatever reason, he would not be making me any part of his life going forward. Unfortunately, my suspicions about being used and exploited for his selfish pleasure and to serve as another sexual conquest are probably true!"

Another wise rational mind self-statement: " Is he a narcissist and I just fed his ego?" Translated: How does one understand a man who would do something like this?

Now the last expert suggested that such behavior by men might be endemic in the culture, but frankly, many guys all over the world act this way toward women. This is WHY women are very smart to not fall for a guy so quickly; make sure he is willing to "climb any mountain" for them, through consistent ACTIONS over TIME and not by paying much attention whatsoever to their WORDS and verbal promises. Don't jump into bed so quickly with a guy you don't know, if this means you will feel emotionally harmed by it, if he proves to be unworthy and is disrespecting you

Your wise rational mind again: "I refuse to call him or confront him in any way. " And I would say, YES, this is the wise rational thing to do.

Your emotional mind is then saying: "But I'm suffering mourning the loss of his words and constant attention in the beginning." I'm left wondering if I did something wrong or if I was not good enough.How do I get over this narcissistic guy? "

Here is the hard part of my message to you: If you now go back and string together every objective, rational idea and statement you've considered about this guy----you can do this a tiny bit by just cutting and pasting the wise, rational trains of thought contained in your post to me for starters---string them consecutively on a page and read them over and over, you have your answer. You SHOULD HAVE attended more to your wise rational mind, but instead, you followed your emotional/needy/romantic mind in this matter. YOUR WISE, RATIONAL MIND will almost never steer you wrong, but your emotional mind very often will. Believing what any guy says, rather than what he consistently DOES over time is a huge mistake of course and I doubt your wise rational mind will let you forget that key point in relationships with men. I don't think you need a counselor. You know what happened here---at least your wise rational mind does. Unfortunately, you were taken advantage of by a smooth-talking, flattering guy who mostly wanted to add another conquest to his life experience; genuine love, romance, and commitment were simply not on his mind at all; this was most probably, a lengthy, drawn out seduction game he was playing---and you merely made the mistake of believing his words rather than his actions along the way, and failed to attend to your wise rational mind which would have prompted you to: 1) slow down; 2) be highly suspicious and cautious; 3) believe his actions over his words; 4) take all the time you need to make sure he can pass more 'tests', before you slept with him.

You should not communicate with him---your emotional mind really, really wants to but your wise rational mind says, No way! Which do you think you should listen to?

Will pause here to solicit your feedback
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
I absolutely agree with DoctorMichael. If you contact him, you know that he will just confirm what you are already dreading.. but you are hoping that you are wrong.. that maybe he'll change his mind. You clearly formed an emotional (and, might I add, a very physical connection). You are sad because he led you on to believe that a relationship would continue. I'm not trying to overlook the personal part of the story (it feels very unique to you)... I'm just calling to your attention that this type of thing is VERY common with these men. Remember that their own women cannot and do not act like foreign women. So many men seek out foreign women to be sexual with and have a fling. I'm so sorry that you went through this. I would call this what it is and encourage you take our advice (mine and doctor michael) and not to try to speak with him.

Also, just something to think about-- it's medically proven that women attach much more (emotionally) through sexual activity than men do. In fact, there is little attachment that men experience through sex. Women, on the other hand, have "memory" glands in their vaginas that send messages to the brain that encourage you to re-connect with that same man again. This is functional, as you would want to seek out the same man if he were to impregnate you. You may be wondering why you are feeling so much for him but why he seems to feel little at all. This is one biological explanation for why. I hope that helps you. It's such a terrible experience for you and I hope you are able to move on. Good luck.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX your comments on this.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
I see that you have read my last post. Any comments or follow up? If not, please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the page. Thanks
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you both for such wise advice. Its true I probably should have listened to my rational mind over the fairy tale that catered to my emotions. I think there was a part of me that did not want to live with the what ifs and one day wonder " if I had only gotten on that plane and met him." I knew deep down though that if he was genuine, it would not have only been one night and one day in london. In fact, he told me last minute that he could not spend Sunday with me bc he had to return to work for an important meeting. He told me this while i was at the airport about to board the plane to meet him. I asked him on the phone why he did not tell me earlier, and his respnse was that he was afraid i'd change my plans. I saw the signs but by then it was almost too late. I recall being so upset on that flight because I knew he was not going to give us enough time for him to start falling for me - the individual. I also remember how during one of our phone discussions, he stated that he was not doing all this (the constant texting and calling) for me, that it was for him. Selfish and narcissistic. Even the sex was selfish on his end. He did nothing in particular to please me like he had promised in texts he would do. I guess I have to accept the fact that i was disregarded signs that he was a selfish conniving man. I wont contact him since I dont want to give him the further satisfaction that he had such impact over my life. I'll never forget how during one of our phone conversations he told me how he wanted to have me not only physically but emotionally mentally and spiritually. I now realize how sick of a person he is. These statements alone should have been enough for me to be disgusted by this controlling and manipulative man. I shouls consider myself lucky probably that the charade did not continue to the point where I would be head over heels for a worthless undeserving person. He is empty devoid of any compassion. I at least am a sensitive caring person who was clear about what i wanted from him
from day one. I have known womanizers in the past, but most had the decency tl
walk away from me before sleeping w me upon findinf out what I was
like and what I wanted. This guy takes the cake. I had never before come across a guy who spent an entire month and a half seducing me like this just to dump me after sleeping with me notwithstanding what i told him i wanted and who i was. I hope to never see or hear from him again as painful as that still feels. No good would come of it. Anyway, I would never want to have such a manipulative and sadistic man as a boyfriend. I'm probably more upset over the loss of the fairytale and those words and attention. I just need to remember that it was fake. Not real. And that is just not enough for me.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
It is clear now, that you have this figured out. He really is one of the worst types of womanizers around---but there are lots of guys like him, unfortunately. I'm very, very sorry you were taken in by him. You are clearly a genuine, sincere person who wishes to trust and you certainly deserve to be respected, based on your motives and unselfishness. Hope you can put this mess behind you quickly and move on. Let me know if I can be of further help to you.

Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Ask-Rivka replied 2 years ago.
If you require anything further, please let me know. You can accept my answer by clicking the green accept button. Best of luck to you!

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