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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2927
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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my daughter is 31 lives in london England and has for the past

Resolved Question:

my daughter is 31 lives in london England and has for the past 7 years. I live in Canada
and we see one another every year for a couple of weeks and I call her every sunday.
she would rather live here but no jobs in her particular field. She has done well
in her chosen career and for that I am very grateful.

so whats the problem. Well she revisits time and again the few things I failed to do as
a parent ie. not going to basketball games, and I don't know what else. Her favourite
phrase towards me is "You don't listen" I think she has said that a million times.

In other words she doesn't hold me up in high regard at all. I on the other hand
nourished her well . I stayed home with her for the first five years. Cooked
from scratch, put her into music and sewing and provided for her a warm
and comfortable home. But all I hear from her is what a rotten mother I was. What
concerns me most is the negative thoughts swirling in her head. Even if I didn't treat
her poorly as she suggests she thinks I did and that is my concern what will
all these negative feelings ultimately do to her.

My younger daughter on the other hand tells me I was a great mom and a super
role model as I went on after they started school to college and I opened my
own business which was very sucessful and I sold it a few years ago now
for a healthy profit.

So what to make of this situation and how to remedy it ...please advise because
I am at a loss. I had no bad feelings towardsmy own mother and I had
it a lot harder than my oldest daughter so I am not sure what to make of
the situation.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi Colette

CoachJenK :

It seems to me that she may be struggling with some things on her own now and you seem to be getting the brunt of things...it's always Mom's fault isn't it? Said with a smile since I am one.

CoachJenK :

Maybe instead of trying to prove to her what a great mother you were and are,try to sit down with her when you are together next to hear what she has to say and maybe go through it all with her. you are correct that even if the situation was not like this her perception is. So maybe just trying to hear her and let her feel you are open to hearing it

CoachJenK :

are you with me colette?

Customer:

yes. I will try that next time...even if I don't agree with her I will listen to her side and

Customer:

what else can I do....you are right there are issues she has to address inside herself and

Customer:

I am her dumping grounds..her safe place to vent...

CoachJenK :

yes you dont need to have the same feelings about it but clearly she is going through something and for whatever reason doesnt have the ability to ok inward but rather toward you as a source for her to fel better

CoachJenK :

yes exactly. you and I are on the same page.

Customer:

k

CoachJenK :

I dont suggest that you need to be her dumping ground forever or to be disrespectful to you but to allow her ht espace to talk with you in an appropriate manner to air her feelings

CoachJenK :

sorry for my typos

CoachJenK :

my brain working faster than my fingers

Customer:

k

Customer:

thanks for the feedback...this is a great service...

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. you can come back and ask directly for me anytime. just ask for coachjenk and if you feel our time now was helpful please click accept and provide feedback too.

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