I have seen a therapist a few times. She told me I need more therapy for PTSD, and extreme anxiety
. She told me if I do not take care of this, then I may develop paranoid personality disorder
. My fears stem from being sexually abused as a child. Now that I have children I do not trust people, especially men. I am aware that my 'paranoia' is not warranted for most of these situations.
My question is regarding my husband. He is a loving husband and wonderful father. However, I always question his sexual intentions. Will he cheat on me? Will he molest our children? Is he secretly gay? These questions started for me before we had kids, but I have become extremely anxious about it.
A few years ago our toddler was crawling up on him and playing with him. I noticed he had an erection. After a few moments he told our son he was done playing. My son kept trying to play and my husband pushed him off and turned and laid on his stomach. Later I asked him about it and he was defensive.
I watch his every move. During wrestling with our sons he will yell things like 'bum crusher' and 'nut crusher'. He doesn't actually touch them, but he will pretend to hit their groin area with his arm. I told him I'm not comfortable with that and he was hurt and said that he shouldn't be punished for things my father did
. I agree, but these things cause me great anxiety.He did say that he will not do it anymore since he knows it upsets me.
A couple months ago my son was complaining of an upset stomach and his bum hurt. I immediately thought: abuse! I took him to the doctor and he was holding his urine too long and constipated. I still doubted the diagnosis. As time went on and I talked to my son more I do agree with the diagnosis.
I do no know what to do. Am I paranoid about my husband, or are these red flags. I am so exhausted worrying about this. Sometimes I do not think our marriage will survive because I am so worried that it won't survive!