How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Steven Olsen Your Own Question

Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience:  More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Steven Olsen is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

In follow up to what I shared, and thank you so much for your

Resolved Question:

In follow up to what I shared, and thank you so much for your inciteful response, I also harbor guilt. I don't know if it is me being jealous of her, if it is her trying to make me jealous/angry with her, or if is her own insecurities about men/boys in general. Since she broke up with her last boyfriend, she is constantly seeking the next one. In addition, she texts with her dad whenever she can. Even when she goes to the mall, she is constantly texting her dad. We will be in mid conversation, and it stops so he can text back and forth with her, forgetting what we were talking about or doing. We seem to only have alone/quality time when she goes somewhere because she dominates in the house, owning every moment she can steal from her dad. Sometimes, I think maybe it's my own jealousy and I don't know how to deal with that. Sometimes, I just remove myself from the situation so I am not witness to it all. What are your thoughts? I know it's hard to tell these types of things without being present to see it firsthand. But, given all the issues, is it more likely that is I who is jealous, or she who tries to instigate it. For as long as I have known Tony, we have been creatures of habit, sitting in the same spot in the living room, yet Caitie tries to mess up what is comfort and security to us there too. There are tons of instances like this.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Steven Olsen replied 2 years ago.

There is, without doubt, significant jealously on Caitie's part. You are the other woman to her, quite literally.

 

It is somewhat natural for her to feel some competitive feelings with you. But, the pain she has, the utter aloneness and hurt that she feels, (which you did not cause) is pushing these normal feelings of hers into overdrive. She interferes with your relationship with Tony because she wants to make others (you in particular) feel as she does; alone and in pain.

 

As you are a woman, it is easy for her to dump her feelings onto you. You are the "bad one" in her mind. Not really of course, but her transfered feelings can be very powerful as you have seen.

 

Complicating this: Her father has really bought into the feelings that often accompany a divorce or remarriage. He is struggling a great deal. He has marked and obvious boundary issues with Caitie, and feels he must try to keep up the "love" or he fails her in some way. (Better said, he fails himself when he feels he does not)

 

So, he too must grasp the dysfunction of what he is doing so that he can place boundaries on what he is doing/allowing with his daughter. I feel he is trying to be her friend, not her father. That is where a critical error is occurring in my opinion. He cannot be both at this point in her life. Later, yes...but not now.

 

To recover from this, she must respect; then love him. It is not easy to create that balance, but do so, he must. He will not be liked in the process, but he has to accept that.

 

You mentioned your own guilt. That too is understandable. Each day you are treated by this young woman as an intruder, an interloper. How else could you feel? You love them both. That is easy to see. But, the feelings you have, although normal, are not founded in reality. You didn't take anyone away from anyone. You are an adult, and you and Toni have something that far exceeds Caitie's teenage anxieties.

 

But, know this: You are not wrong here, just placed into an incompatible role. Encourage Tony to stand up in a loving way to his daughter. Refuse to be anything but who you are, his wife. And know that with the help they are getting, this can pass. Hang in there and feel free to ask for me again if you need to talk. Steven

 

Steven Olsen, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1764
Experience: More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
Steven Olsen and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education