Hi Kate. Ugg. I wrote a post and was almost done, and I lost it. I decided to write this on WP instead and cut and paste.
I know the fluttery feelings are stress and emotion. I had them on the way home - before I even talked to my mom, and have had them this morning. But last night they went away after I started crying, so I think that might be an indication, don't you think?
My mom called me a little bit ago. She didn't apologize, but she said after thinking about it, she thought I should go to the funeral. I said thanks, XXXXX XXXXX was already going. She asked me if I was okay, because I was very quiet on the phone, and I told her I was really upset last night after talking to her. She said she was upset, too. And told me how it was going to be perfect with everyone there, etc. She had called P, she said, and I'm sure she asked P if she was upset for my leaving her hanging, and I'm sure P. Told her she thought I should go. I told her I understood what she was saying, and I don't give up time with my nieces and nephews lightly, but for goodness sake, Katie DIED. She still doesn't get it, but I don't care. At least there is no present conflict. My sister told me last night I just need to ignore her because she is so weird, and reminded me that I am dealing with someone who didn't go to her own best friend's funeral (who died suddenly around age 30), and wasn't planning on going to her own mother's memorial. (She did go, but only because, against her advice, my sister and I both were flying to Florida for the memorial [because that is what normal people would do if their grandmother dies] and so at the last minute, they came down as well, because I hadn't seen them in a year. She's nuts.
I don't see my mom as selfish. Nobody would ever call her selfish. She generally puts other people before her and their needs above hers. However, that meant that she put everyone else above us, too and made sure we knew it. They would not stick up for us at all, regardless of the situation.
I appreciated your saying that I deserve love and care from my mother. Maybe, maybe not, but it's not going to happen. That's just not the way she is, and I know that. It took me until about age 8 to totally figure that out. If I sought attention or affection, I was being selfish, babyish and needy. I think there was a specific turning point for me: when I was in 3rd grade, my teacher was Ms. Moore. Up until that year (and for the rest of elementary school after that year), my teachers always favored me. She did not. She liked the quiet ones, and therefore did not like me too much, and so I was not a big fan of her, either. One morning, just when school was starting, I got in trouble, and she yelled at me and sent me into the coat room (it wasn't like a closet - it was much bigger and attached to the bathrooms). To this day, I have no idea what I did, but I'm sure I did something. Anyway, so I went and sat in the coats room, and she apparently forgot about me, because I was in there all morning. I knew not to come out and ask to be let out, so I just sat in there, and after a few hours, I started crying. Luckily, at lunchtime, my friend, Jason, came in to get his lunch out of his bag and I asked him to ask her if I could come out. He came back and said I could. I was still crying when I came out, and Ms. Moore took me out in the hall. All the kids were lined up at their classroom doors waiting to go to lunch, and so this was in front of all the 3rd and 5th grade classes. She told me to stop crying, and I said I was trying, and she said I was the biggest crybaby in the school (which makes no sense, because that is the only day, from K-graduation I ever cried in school - even when I got hurt). She wouldn't let me go until I stopped crying, so I did. Then as soon as she let me go, I ran home crying (we lived across the street). My mom was only teaching PT then, so she was home. I just knew when I told her what happened, she would let me stay home for the rest of the day and go over and have a talk with Ms. Moore. But she didn't. She said it was my fault for getting sent to the coat room in the first place, and that Ms. Moore probably just forgot, and it was nothing to get upset about, and she made me stop crying and go back. I felt so betrayed, and felt absolutely humiliated when I went back to school after lunch.
So, that was totally off the subject. Sorry. Point is, I wish I did have a mom who made things better, but I don't, and it's probably too late to find a new mom :) (although P actually is a good substitute).
I understand what you are saying about the timing of my mom's call last night (Ms. Pushy :) ). From what I understand, you think it is good for me to fall apart. I think Linda does, too. But it is not pleasant for me. It is upsetting and scary, and even though you insist I will not lose control, I feel like the fact that I am experiencing them at all and can't stop it sometimes is being out of control.
Thank you for caring about what happens to me. :) It does make me feel less alone to know someone might be feeling "with" me.
I have researched assault survivors. Before, honestly, I thought that I didn't have the same issues as them - I had nightmares and nothing else. Now I know better. In going through the forums on aftersilence.com (after the initial freak out from that person who said she went to my college) and read things, a lot of things are similar with some people, although most of the people seem to have child sexual assault issues and long-term abuse. And I've read things on what people should say to "survivors," and that kind of irritated me. The whole "whatever you did to survive was good" and "you didn't ask for this" really turned me off. First, you can't just have a blanket whatever-you-did-was-fine. Kit doesn't work that way. And second, I always cringe when I see the other comment because I did, literally, ask them to do a lot of things. I don't want to play the victim. I know I am complaining and whining now, but that's not how or who I want to be.
I like your idea about the prop. I will make sure to take by Bible with me. At home, I can use my dog. She's not allowed on my bed, partly because she's huge (120 lbs) and sheds, but I make exceptions sometimes. I'll try to think of other things I can use. And I have music with me all the time. I am a huge music person, and could probably express my feelings better by making a playlist of different songs than by talking. Beauty of the iphone and ipod - I can have 10,000 songs available at all times :)
I am at the office alone because my legal assistant is sick and my clerk doesn't come in until 1 today. It is taking everything I have not to sit here and cry. I am so tired, too. I just want to go home and curl up in my bed with my dog and sleep for a week or more. I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just disappear for a while.
About my session with Linda - sometimes we end up just chit-chatting about stuff and waste the whole time. I just want to get something out of it today that will make me feel better for the next week and a half.