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How is his sleep?
he casn fall asleep standing
nurt wakes up at ti,es sioyunding like he is drowning
but mistky early and regular
Is he snoring and choking?
umm... odd you ask... not snoring.
thwe times he wakes violrently ... yes sounds like choking. bit ask him in hindsoight an dhe dioes not remember. and seems od dto me casue he seems like he is dying and scared me now and hten
Is he eating more or less than is normal for him?
he is eating normal i would say. but was working out much more and im sure eeating much mofe for a while.... is has diminished a bit now though... but he worries hout of shaope then and he is very veyr in shaape
Does he not want to do things that he used to like?
so sad ... he has always been a bit of worKAHOLIC since ive known him. but seems he ahas if anythign a renewed interest in siocualiziung. odd as it sounds he can seemm plaitic to mme at times. not sure how else to say... and well.. he has been deceoptive about hius s9ocial likfe and i hhave recentlu found out that he has cheated.
It sounds a bit like sleep apnea, but usually there is loud snoring, then no sound when they stop breathing, and then choking and gasping as they start again.
not sure if all are sexual.. but all seem affairs of the heart with very attacehd girls. one 20 years his junior
Not the cheating part of course, that's a separate issue.
very emotuionally bonded an dlied to all about his marital status.
Apnea can cause memory problems, irritability, and tiredness.
with the sleeping.. he ... crackles. he has a double epuglottis... satrangest lookingt thuing!!! but i hear him.. crackling ... si.,. i know there is somre obstrction ... it is NOT clear breathing for him,
the chearing part is a sepoarate issue than what please?
His doctor might need to refer your husband for a sleep study.
Cheating is separate from irritability, and yelling.
When did the stuff with other women start?
yes.. i have read anbout that with the apnea. i have told him rtwice andt=rather direct anbout y concern of the choking and hoe terrivb,e and told him too anbout benefits.. he did not seem too convinced ir all thay omterested really.. soo...
It can be very hard to get a man to the doctor.
the other women? the ovios things started early 2011. he says all startewd then. but... tyere is more i think than eets mty eye and i wioukd say he leads me to belive a whilre now. several years. absd honestly. there was amn iciudetr vefore we were married tha has allthe same attribur-=tes so... i might say my whole marruafge..,.. hard hard ti say.. ut would ike ti hear rea;ity if situation even if painful.
I does sound like he's hiding his actions from you because he's worried you will leave if you knew the "real him."
yes.. and he grew yp o a family owned wisconsin dairy farm. nothing stopd this man bfroom his regusr chores. and although ihe does get sick once in a very vlue oonm or an injury. hhe acts as though it did not happen and of course continues his chores no matter what. cows ust be milked is what this city hgirl has learned form her farmer husband
Yes, those cows don't like it if the milker doesn't show up on times.
wow umm. i had some thoughts on that often and worried i was misguided and maybe tryignot make mmyslef feel better. he is very insecure as macho and physiclly tough and very very clever with high i q maybe too high and wonder what you thinnk tath does for his situation since his bs is very very good bs.. ... but he says he started to feel i was not wiht him"oin his tieam" at a time in my life when i felt i was on top of wrld and thing s gogint well and i felt rather happy with myslef and with himn. so hood tike and htought ihe worred to lose me.
Some men are very flirty. Was he like that with you when you met him?
no ... those girls like punctualithy and warm hands. would nt say i d complain about either myslef . hehehe sorry. it was begging that statement! :D
What you are saying about his personality fits with a guy who loves to get the attention and admiration of a new woman, but doesn't want to lose what he has.
um... i would say .. yes but in a very shy charming way. thaat is how he came across. and such a gentleman i thought wommthign almost off with dates being too handy sometime s, he was very controled an dwaiting for me to come to him. and put me a bit "off balance" i rememeber and too months before we went on beyond kissing. it was the most owonderful sor of shy standoff on pbth parts
He sounds like a sweet guy from that aspect.
he seems o hate me at same time thogh. he only really acts nuce if i am walkign away.. and takes me so much an dtolerant to a fualt tand seeign problems i casue ... working it out .. but ./ i fear he could never even like me again never theless love me. and i thinhk you are right. he seems to need to need the admiration. and thus these sweet realthionshops. each on e==e of these girls thinks shes special you can just see it. ANd he lookks happier with them than me. i becasme trthe enemy.. the outsider. the one to keep secrets form. and although i knw that the y do not have the whole story.. they seem more in cahootrs.. if you knwo what i me.. happy fresh .. you knwo...
If he worries he might lose you, that could be a good way to get him to address his irritability. Not threaten to leave or anything. Just have a very calm talk with him about how he's treating you and ask that he do somethings to make it better. You can say you're worried about what will happen if things continue as they have been. The behavior you are talking about comes from being an insecure guy. The way he treats you when he's angry is much the way he treats himself, saying mean and critical things.
i have always seen him as gentle hearted. sensitive. but lately seems to not really get it or mayb he does... realize wha the does but hels say i know but hten do nto hing to fix the hurt. and even the thing dhe is quite apologetic and i feel sincere horror over his actsd and dismay himself . he has even said.. hthings liek. he feels likke he wakes up the wolfman after a night of full mooon ac tivities and wakes withi blodd all over his hands and horriied at how he c=has done the thigns to hurt me. and has szaid too..l "i anm needing to quarahntine himself
but heres th trickky part
he defends and defends
and he will not ket e process my hurt. big or small.
i just am not given a chance ot talk of it . ahe cuts me off. hangs up
wont talk fo rdayas
You can kind of put it on you. Like saying "I'm not handling things very well. I need your help."
net week i wil cry that it was terribl y to be shut down.. ande he will genuinihely say.
lori walwqays let you talk
thus the two personalituws
ehrn i express my hurt not to have gotten to express?
to say the aove?
not handling weel and need you help?
Well, it's kind of tricky to express hurt without blaming the other person but it can be done.
yes i agree.
ive been pretty good at being diplomatic my kife
You can describe how you feel but not say his behavior makes you feel that way.
For example, "I feel sad and worried a lot of the time. I don't think I can feel better unless we work together." How do you think he would take that?
but lartely.,. i must say.. i aM AS BIG A PROBLEM . not dxeaking with the urt well or frustration. soooooooooooo frustrated and i have been angry in a bigger way thatn ever in my life. I hate it. and not even sure why anger is the evolutionary option to hurt or frustaration . it seems counter prodcutive .. but .. ther ei am . feeling two body loads of it iu hadle this g s les leand less healthy. and not sure if i was evendoin gdiplomatic well. i think i thoguht iwas .. but... ?
it didnt work welklk?
i dont want to nake thiings wirse.
What I recommend for stress like this is yoga and meditation. What meditation does is help you control your thoughts into a positive vein.
Yoga prepares you're body for meditation. Focusing on the moment and how your body is feeling.
but theses feelings are there.... and feels like idf i choose to deak ewsuth him as is,,, i will be frusteated since he us very defensived and very intio prommoting the fgood guy. ..yeds i skeot ewuth that wimand at a time i promised tiou my attentiom. but. it was only tice and i rtook out the garbage ever y nighht,.... every single night.
yes.... i have neglected caring for my needs. i gioit very depressed. tghe stressors that started this or seemed tiou ... thet still have me off ia bit and been with all eues on the balll more aND MOTRE AS THINGS FGOT OOT OF C=COMTRIOKL HER
Your mind and body are all caught up in your anger and frustration. You probably go over your frustrations repeatedly when you're not busy doing something else. If you stretch and relax your body and then learn to keep your mind from going over and over those things that bug you.
you can let go of some of your anger and approach you husband differently.
I have been knowing a while i need to poush to get bav]ck ith fitness and hsad hard tytime eith yoga but grewto like it very veyr much.
need to try to get back at it.
i have been hhavinf trouble seeing life in fiod way without him.
There are two web sites I like. wildmind.org and innerpath.com The first teaches basic meditation and the second, yoga and meditation.
i would say it is taking tooo long to settle down. and not seeikng it wfor what it8 is. and find myskef verdrawn in to the counter argument which.. is fruitless... it avoids th heart of hte matter and uoltimmatley i add to my own frustratiojj@
yesll woudl loive more info on meitatin. has npot come easy for me. and only thing sthat has worked even a bit fo rme l is .. hwo shall i say. a hyper ficus. just concentratein on the details. of lets sya a leaf, and i found that very clearing. but ..hard for me.
I'm not sure he's able at this point to help you process the situation. If you take care of yourself, you have a better chance of getting him to work on the things he's able to, that don't tap into his insecurity.
i wondxer what you thihnkg of hes dual nature and his amnesiac memory? should i be conccerned . what can i do to helo him. or say to myslef to ressure myslef
so that is the key . not to tread on those insecurtities.. hmm? mayb e i triggered all this at the start with the stressors. i was hard on him and ususlay take great care when adreesing any problem
I don't think the changes in mood and personality are a big issue. They seem related to being irritable and trying to be nice. When he's nice he probably is trying not to take things out on you, but then explodes with what he's hold in.
The memory issues, I think, are related to the choking thing.
ok and he is a pleaser so i umagine the worse he fees about being mean...
so,,, even during the day?
do you feel it has to do with deram cucles this difficlilty remembering?
his dreams being interupted
No, I suspect he stops breathing which causes a lot of problems.
he has said more than once and sounds always a bit sad ...that he never remebers his dreamns. and i always think..you are not asleep long enough sweetie
I believe dreams express what we think and feel in a different language.
wow.. a lot of problems.,, which lead to memory loss during day... i htought emotional .. an dsouinds like brain damage/// mymy
Well, less brain damage and more lack of sleep.
yes. ihe had one dream. and i was popping pimple s on my dog.. she gets acne and brina hates to wathc. anyeway he crdreamt o was pooping her pimples and he said but it was very clear i suudxernly felt i knew ou were tyring ot help.. and i fel t likeahhhhhhhhhhh yes .. and i said maybe your dreamns are telling you i am tring ot help you too. and he got pissy.... ugh... i thought so good. but maybe pojtning out was not good.
yes.. lack of sleep over prolinged periods ... it does have odd effects
you had said men can be hard to get to go for medical advice or treatment in a rather generalized way
i agree with you
For people who are having those episodes, every time they stop breathing and then choke and start breathing, they wake up a bit. If it happens over and over during the night, their sleep is such poor quality, they wake up exhaused.
is there anythigniyou might suggest that could help himd decided it may be in his benfeit to pursue wiht out me being a nag. now is not the time for that i tell you. an edi have borught o[=upi tice. i dont see much ore room tfor me at present
For your husband, with the way he was raised, being sick is a sign of weakness. The last thing he wants to do is appear weak.
yes.. i think ythat is very [possuibe that he is exhausted. and just so used to it now
I'm not sure of the best way to get him to do something. Some guys will do it to prove there's nothing wrong with them. Some you can bribe, some coax.
Some, if you make the appointment and just tell them they have to go.
so..what could be done to help him get past his childhood teachings to examone the [possibility of this sleep apnea, gidh i feeel like i am plotting. but.. how wonderful to jnow itf it is culprit and find way to skkeep better? could emprove his entire existence
How do you usually get him to do something if he's resistant?
yeah i have never been comfortable with the coering... i either back ogg mostly .. or when it 9overrides rtoo over a=zealous and see i most often fhut it down befire the gate opens.
i lead trhe way
otherwise ther is silent accepting vackoff ... or the fretting. whicg niether of ois like and seldom us valuable
Do you think it would work to tell him you would like both of you to get a check up.
If you don't think he will tell the doctor the things you see, you can call and give info before his appointment.
he us VERY resustant. most stobborn geaded man i ever met. a bruillant ma\n and falls to bininsense iver stubborness, i though his iwq wouold ghave him makig better decisios than most... sionetimes it us w=quite the opposite!.
thingsa ahave been very very bad and tence lately.
and a big symposon coinubg uo
he has to lecture
and vegiond writing book
all on top of full tine,
Going back to what I suggested before, I think if you de-stress, it will take a lot of the tension out of your relationhsip.
and then there is oiur 'suituatiob ' of course. he has not been easy to fget aklong wuith., and i fear he stil has a girk likely mre fron siykmd cyrrentky evenn thouhgghj he saifd he wanted to stip all the craziness and hurtung everyone... but.. i think he has hard tum saying no and thes girks di bnit jkniw if me. and he denies denies... so.
yes.. i dropped tha ball way back.
and illittle else to try to even do but focus on slef.
There is a lot to deal with here. You have to start with the things you have some control over, improving the situation bit by bit.
I'm afraid I need to get going, I have an appt in half an hour.
ii gave vedee n froszen with fear and un,otivated thiingi he will not be on the other side. if u knew he woudl not defienitoley nothing is defeiitni but if i felt more scertain i likely woudl be tryign very hard. but . i am mown worst enemyl . been depressed. my folks died i ndrom injuried in a car accident as this all haopeend and i sudffere d a miscarriage. so losing him would be too divastatiing an di fear my newly veedy ways grom beru idependent and went from coddling oand old fashioned let the man lead yo.ll wild emotions agteer the sexiond funaral. i kniw i sind lokelt otoo intense anout losig mty narruage but,, it us wgat ibe ven feeking and sycj a wakk ikareryt i get yo abnd go wuthiyr ny ckisest family,'
We can switch this to Q&A to continue.
i knoiei it is ttine, and siometin g luke exercoxe amd yoga AND MEDUTARUIN D M may sound simple bt liel y woudl have 9overwhelming results of good ness jsut as getting some sleep sound s alo to simple cut could change live s hmmm?
yes,, i realise. tryign to wrap up with the simple lesson ...beiing too the huge lessons.
but you feel he us goign t obe fine
and that ahbe he does not hate me as it seems. and jsut a trange asrp on caring?
im insucreu too...
all has been hard to hear him so mad at me.
Yes, I think he loves you but doesn't always show it.
likje many males
I'm switching to Q&A now
talk to you more later if you like
q and a?
yeah? i night like a follow up if i have any wuestions. i like time ot digest
It a different format. We send messages and you get an email notice rather than live chat.
that might be nice.