Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.
You are suffering from Postraumatic Stress
Disorder, as a result of many episodes of abuse and multiple traumas. This is a disorder suffered by soldiers in war, rape victims, accident victims, and others who have experience or witnssed severe trauma. You have witnessed so much.
You may have flashbacks, hallucinations, feelings that the events were recurring, much mental distress, rapid heart beat, high blood pressure when you have these feelings, nightmares, intrusive recollections or thoughts, You will try to avoid anything to do with these events, may not remember parts of the events, may lose interest in other activities, may feel detached from other people, may reduce your feeling to be able to love or feel emotions, may feel unfulfilled in lie,. You may have insomnia
, be angry or irritable, find it hard to concentrate, may always be vigilant and ready for something to happen, you may be easily startled.
Medications do not help much. You need psychotherapy. You will have to find a way to get help. If there is a military facility near you, or you know some soldiers you can perhaps find someone who treats PTSD and can help you on a sliding scale. Some communities have community mental health facilities with such sliding prices.
You need help, and you will have to find a way to get it. You cannot do without it. You must find someone who knows how to help with PTSD.
Try www.psychologytoday.com and click FIND A THERAPIST, then click in your state and city, then click PTSD and try to find a good person who specializes int PTSD.
You cannot do this without help, please. I urge you strongly to get some help as soon as possible, and not put this off any longer.
You can find your way back. My prayers are with you.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC