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The only person that knows whether you can keep her is your wife. She guides her own future. If she has said that it is over then unfortunately she is in charge of whether that is true or not. Chances are that it may be. However it wouldn't stop me from asking that she go to counseling together so whatever is wrong can be identified and handled by a professional. There may be issues that she is willing to work on. Being in separate places doesn't mean that this isn't possible. This isn't about being a better person but being a better couple. This may be about something like communication that can be addressed and fixed.
I would not assume that it's over but just consider that possibility. Until you have exhausted an option such as marriage counseling offer that to her. If it turns out she isn't open to this then work on how to let go. If you want to communicate effectively invest in the Mars and Venus series as a way to talk about what needs to happen.
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one last question...
it is our 12th wedding anniversary on the 11th March.
I would really love to take my wife out to dinner to still celebrate out time together!
if we went not as a couple but just friends for now I would love that...
I havent asked her yet, do you think I could ask this of her or would it steer her further away?...Thanks
I have also just been staying at a mates with the hope of finally moving back.
Most of my stuff is still at our house we rent and when I see the boys I just grab changes of clothes etc. I havent wanted to get my own place as my mate said I can stay as like as I want. If she asks me to move my stuff, should I then get my own place and think that it is all over or should I still give her space like now, and still have hope for the future. Realistically how long does it generally take to sort through all of this and get back on track? Thanks again!
You have gotten some solid advice for the other Experts. I would like to add a few thoughts.
Yes...I would take your wife up on her offer to go to couple's therapy. I would encourage you to let her pick the therapist. You already have an individual therapist and even if that person does marriage counseling, it would be important for you wife to be able to have her say in this. She will then be able to feel emotionally safe.
Please be clear with her that the goal of couple's therapy would not be to repair the marriage, but rather to repair the relationship. I know that your ultimate goal is to be a family again, but that can only come if and when your relationship heals.
As to the anniversary. Absolutely. Ask her to dinner - not for the sake of romancing her - but to mark the many good years you had together and the things you share (the children). If she says yes...terrific. Keep it low-key and simple - nothing elaborate or "over the top." A pleasant meal at a favorite restaurant. If she says no, then send her a simple bouquet of her favorite flowers on your anniversary date with a note that simply says, :Thinking of you" - nothing else. No I love you and miss you....okay!
As to moving out. Yes...you need to find your own permanent place to live. You are only prolonging your pain and misery by grabbing clothing here and there. She needs to know that you have taken her seriously. Getting your own place will transmit this message. It will also allow you to bring back a sense of normalcy to your life. I don't imagine this will be easy...but it is an important step in showing her the respect she asks for.
From what you wrote, I gather that you are now taking responsibility for some of your past poor choices - anger, financial choices - this is very good. In couple's therapy you will have an opportunity to talk more specifically to her about these things. That could be quite eye opening for her and become a bridge that brings you back together.
Please hold on to hope!
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I am sorry that this is so painful. Hearing you boys ask for you come back home must hurt terribly. It would be important for them to know that you have not left the home because of them. That is something that both you and your wife must make clear to them.
I would think that the therapist will encourage you to meet for several sessions - not just one. That would be the typical course outlined by a therapist.
The thoughts about another man in her life can be tormenting...but please don't let yourself go there. It is only normal to feel jealous about this and to be concerned that she will find someone else. But...for now...please be patient.
If she is at the gym getting in shape, perhaps that is her way of coping with the stress of your relationship. It may have little or nothing to do with trying to find another man! Why not focus on that, rather than thinking it's about someone or something else!
As to your mates. Do any of them have credentials as a therapist or psychologist? If not, then their opinion is just their opinion. They are giving you the typical male response - go find another gal to sleep with. But..that will NOT solve the dilemma you are in and it will likely only make you feel horrible and disloyal. Again...have some patience here.
I would need to know the ages of your boys before I could give an opinion.
You certainly want them to be comfortable in your new home and see it as their home too.
Let me know the ages, and then I can respond.
Lachie is 5 and Mekhi is 8!'
They are both really active boys that love to play footy and any sport after school until they pretty much fall asleep. Mekhi is a very mature kid for his age and has constantly said that he wants to stay with me but I'd hate to leave Lachie out. Is this a bad thing to split them overnight? They both go to the same school together and after school care so are together for the majority of the day. My thoughts are if my wife really wants to do this to me then at the very least cant she allow my to have my boys each night? But the last thing I would want to do is affect the boys by separating them just because I want to be with them as much as possible.
Splitting the boys up would be very tough on them. Likely they are already confused and upset because you are not in the home. Having one with you, and the other with her, would not be good.
Perhaps they could come stay on a weekend. That way you would have more time together and it would be less stressful for everyone.
What do you think about that?
I cant handle knowing that I wont be able to see my boys in the morning, get them breaky, ready for school etc. I really dont want to live alone and sit in a one bedroom flat waiting for the weekend to come around and see my boys!What are your thoughts on the possibilty of resloving this situation?
After all that has gone on, can she see a change in me and prepare to move forward or will she just hang onto the past and not be able to move on?
Yes...the thought of that kind of dramatic change in your life has got to be nearly impossible to fathom.
LIke you, I have no idea what your wife may or may not do. The best advice that I can offer you is to continue in therapy so that you become the absolute best man that you can. You must believe in your capacity to change. You must believe in your ability to be a loving, involved, and compassionate father. No one can predict your future. Still, you have the ability to create that future by doing all you can to take responsibility for your past poor behavior and vowing to be more honest, loving, and respectful in the future.
I would appreciate it if you would press the Green Accept button so that I can be paid for our chats.
Thanks very much!
Your help is greatly appreciated Dr....
You're very welcome Chris.