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Dr. Rossi
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  PsyD, LPC, CHt
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My husband wants a divorce after four months of marriage, we

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My husband wants a divorce after four months of marriage, we have been living together for the past six year. In the last two months his attotude and behavior has changed towards me, and now he's saying he wants a divorce because he's not happy right now. The only thing that has really changed is that I have become more responsible, and don't want to drink and party as much is there anything that I can do to try and make him realize that he will regret this divorce cause he tells me he still loves me and always will.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

Hi,

 

Is he open to hear what you're saying to him, and to reconsider this rash decision?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't really know if he's open to anything he is the most stuborn person that I know. He works away from home for tw weeks at a time and the last two months when he has been gone he has been very short with phone calls and texts, and then when he gets home he is still been pretty distant even towards his children from a previous marriage. I thought for sure we had worked things out and were going to work on our marriage because we both love each other and have been huge parts of each others lives, but last night after not haering from him for two days I got a text message saying that he can not express the sadness he has right now for treating me and acting the way he has towards me the last couple monthd and he knows that I will never be able to forgive him. And then told me he would talk to me when he got off work today, and hopes I'm doing all right. I feel like he is just running away from a problem that he is having with himself and I just want him to realize that I'm not the one makeing him miserable. The last time this happened it was close toi his birthday (this same time of year) and its just like dejuvu. I responded to his message last night by telling him I toild him till death do us part and I'm not walking away from our marriage without a fight.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for clarifying. Let me work on a reply and post it to you shortly (it will show up in your email box) If you think of anything else, please advise. How was this situation dealt w/ last time or did it just go away by itself (because he refused to address it w/ you?)
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

You're correct- you're not the one making him miserable. Does he even know what does? Could this be related to depression or work dissatisfaction/burnt out?

He is already telling you that you won't forgive him and that is making an assumption and self sabotaging himself from the start. From what you shared, it seems that when this happened in the past, he regretted it, as though he had acted impulsively at that time. Do you believe that he may have some emotional instability such as bipolar disorder traits, and does things w/o thinking about the consequences?

 

It would be best that the two of you talk about this in person for a couple of days. You may try to find out if he knows what is going on within himself to make him arrive to the conclusion that the two of you should not be together. Is he wanting something different? Is he complacent or just unhappy w/ himself and not wanting you to be exposed to that?

The two of you would want to discuss what in your opinion had changed over time for the last 6 years. Did your mutual goals of the relationship change or your individual goals now clash with each other's goals?

Even though he is stubborn, ask him what does he propose as a way of addressing this issue w/o rushing into decision that would be regretted later on. This is a life changing decision and would affect both of you. If you give him the control of coming up with some doable/reasonable solutions, he may feel more empowered and focus on that versus on how you allegedly won't forgive him. He may have said that to you as a way to deflect the attention from him and place it onto you. But, like you said, his misery is not because of what you're doing or who you are. It is self generated and he'd have to find and address the cause(s) behind it.

 

You may want to write down some of the things you'd want to cover with him when he is back from his work trips. Let him know ahead of time that you would like the two of you to put some time aside where you won't be distracted and will be able to go over things that need discussing. You can suggest to him that he also writes down some of his concerns.

Remind him that the two of you had invested a lot of energy, time and feelings into this relationship to just let it slip away w/o even trying to manage it. He may have not thought about the long term outcome of this should he leave the marriage. What he is seeking may not be found out of the marriage either.

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
All of the things that you have mentioned are things that I have addressed with him. He has been diagnosed with ptsd and is suppose to be taking medication for that, which is an anti depressent and also a bipolar medication, bith of which he does not take. This is exactly what I told him after I got a mesage from him last night and since he did not answer his phone I had to send it via text. Actually don't call me tomorrow because this unhappiness that you have going on has nothing to do with me, I have been the same person you feel in love with but right now the only difference is that give more and more with every passing day and have become the more responsible one in this relationship. There is something within yourself right now that is making you unhappy, and your the only one that can get help for that. Me and our children do not deserve to be unhappy, because your head is all sorts of confused on your life in general. Your the source of this problem no one else, and I'm not quitting on the life that we have built together. I really don't think you will be happy without me or the kids or your farm or whatever else we have together, I think that right now your just thinking if you don't have to worry about anything that will make you happy but it won't. I know the person that you are and right now I don't know who you are and neither do you. Maybe you should talk to someone other than your work friend or maybe someone that knows the person you are on a depper level that can help you realize that you have something wrong. Until you fix yourself you are going to continue to self distruct until you have nothing and no one, and I'm not going to walk away and let you do that, not only to yourself but also to me and the kids! If your worried about talking to someone about why you keeping gettin these feeling ill find someone for you to talk to over the phone so you don't have to worry about getting angry and hurting someone. But you do need help, I'm the only one that's willing to say it, and I would know when its not the person I feel in love with cause I know you better than anyone ever will! I love you and I'm not going anywhere I'm here till death do us part.I've got to see you a total of 16 days since you left to go back to work out west after we got married and the last two time you have been you home you didn't even seem to care if you were here or not so I'm not even counting those 10 days. Someone can't make you that un happy in that amount of time.And just as a bit of a refresher you did the same thing two years ago and said the exact same things to me, and then 3 weeks later you changes your mind and realize that you wanted me back in your life. So if the issue is what you say it is then you have been un happy since the day I moved back in and you should not have married me otherwise you going to be making a mistake once again. I know this is a lot but I care about him and our relationship, and I just want him to get help for himself so that we can get past this and get back to the couple that so many other couples wished they were.
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.

You've been more than clear with him. Hopefully he accepts the idea of getting help. You could ask him if he would like you to go to an appointment with him for emotional support. If he is unclear about the cause of his unhappiness, it makes sense that he would benefit from working with an objective professional. Too much is at stake to let this unresolved and just bail out (on his part) And, you've been behind him all along for him not to see that you're committed and loving.

 

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you think there is anything more I can do to help him realize?
Expert:  Dr. Rossi replied 2 years ago.
Not really. You've gone beyond is expressing your feelings and concerns. It is up to him to process all you've said and then reflect on it, and finally come up with a solution plan. All you can do now is to let him know that you're there to work with him not against him in this (even if he feels confused, criticized or unhappy)
Dr. Rossi, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: PsyD, LPC, CHt
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