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Dr-A-Greene
Dr-A-Greene, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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I am divorced, have a son from the broken relationship and

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I am divorced, have a son from the broken relationship and have been in a new relationship for more than 4 years now. it used to be nice and good but definitely different than for the last I'd say 12 months. my partner lost his job or rather did not apply for any since his job provider (a friend cooperating with him for sometime) stopped giving him projects to work on (my partner is self-employed graphic designer). So, my partner has no job for the last at least 12 months, and even before that the job he had barely gave him any income. I am a divorced mum, my son is 12 years old, we live in a council flat (although used to rent a lovely house before my partner 'lost' his job). I took initiative and got the flat from the council and paid for all that is in this flat now and I am working, cleaning, cooking. I pay rent, utilities, council tax. I am away from home for nearly 10 hours a day and my partner, yes he is looking after my son, well he gives him a ride to school and makes half-ready meals in the afternoon but that is all he does. He is not looking for a job, he is playing games on his computer, he is not interested in our relationship anymore. We have been arguing terribly recently, we don't respect each other anymore, there is only a step from violence between us and I am not that sort of a person who allows a man to beat her up. I work in a bank, my son goes to a great school and I am not an ugly woman. I am a christian as well. Yes, I had my moments, even everyday when I expected things and not getting them done I got annoyed, angry and upset. I just don't tolerate laziness, don't tolerate when someone does not do things and take responsibility. I cannot count on my partner anymore, I don't feel loved, looked after. I am 40 now and feel like I am loosing my life somehow and I don't know what to do honestly. I feel trapped and lonely. I am a believer and it's all even harder for me, cause I don't want him to be kicked out of my flat just like that, I am feeding him, paying his debts, paying for his car. I don't know what I should do. I am very unhappy. There's probably not much to tell me, but let's treat it that way, I had to write about it. I needed it. Thank you.
I'm quite sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like you have been very patient. It also sounds like you are thinking about making a change (which is always the first step, yes?) Anger (when not destructive) can be a very powerful motivator sometimes. The only thing I can think of to say is that in order to create a change, we must plan for it - and I don't mean a global plan (e.g. "I want something different") but a detailed plan that breaks things down into manageable steps (e.g. "By the end of next month I want to save X amount of money and suggest that my partner look at a flat). Make sense?
Oooh - suggestion #2: Do something nice for yourself that doesn't include thinking about your relationship but focuses on pampering yourself. It doesn't have to be pricey or time-consuming, but a little bit of focus on your own needs (seeing a movie with a friend, a massage, etc) might help too. You sound like you're busy being very responsible, which is admirable, but not much fun! I've noticed that women especially have trouble doing this.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Dear Dr Greene, you seem to be very understanding. I know my message was very chaotic, simply emotional and I am crying typing this one.

I have tried to suggest my financial help, to give him money, but he is a proud man, I think he might go away at some point eventually, in a few months. It's just so hard to wait those months as I think I might have loved him or the idea of loving him and I simply cannot stand him treating me so differently. He was in my room a few minutes ago, probably taking a few minutes break from his computer game and asked me how I was, smiling to me but I was only sitting on a bed with the laptop in front of me and looked so lifeless and sad and just did not really cared about him standing in front of me. If he only knew that this state of mind is thanks to his acting and behaviour. He does not admit anything and I am tired of trying to explain all that too him. In his eyes I am paranoid or so.

I shall wait till he goes away (hopefully he will). It might kill me mentally and spiritually but eventually he will/might go away and then I shall start anew, to rebuild my life from scratch again.

He is a sensitive man and that is why I prefer to suffer more. Does that make sense? I know, it does not but well, that's the way I am.

Thank you Dr Greene. You are an angel. Thank you.

You are so welcome - anytime. Those relationships are always the hardest to break off, I think. When the shadow of the person you loved is still there in some way and you can see that kindness, it's difficult to break it off. It feels unjustified somehow. But in the end, you know what you want - - what you need - - to be happy. And when that time comes, you will be ready to seize it and move on. Being of a similar age, I also understand that slightly paralyzed feeling of being trapped in one's life. The myth is that women don't have midlife issues like men do, but that's not really true. We might not want to go out and buy a sports car, but we question our identities just the same. I trust that you will do what's right for you and come out better for it.

One thing - before you call it a day, look in the mirror at yourself and remember what you were like at 18, at 25, at 30 - she's still there. Just wiser. :)

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