If I had been in control of the whole situation that night, it would NOT have happened. None of it. If I could have controlled it, I would have and I would have stopped it. But I wasn't in control, and that is the reason it happened. That doesn't mean it was necessarily my choice not to be in control. I mean, I had been drinking, but not enough to be totally impaired. I think they were going to do something to someone that night, and it was me. I think the drinking may have dampened my instincts some, but I don't know how much - I was pretty naive about people then. I did have control to get out of there for a window of time, but once that passed, they had control over me for a lot of the time. So, yes, I DO believe that my not being in control (or then making bad choices when I had some control) is why this happened. If I had been totally in control, it would have never gotten to that point.
I guess maybe some of my need to be in control may come from my childhood issues. Whenever I was upset or crying hard, my mm would say I was "hysterical," and I recall her saying a few times to my dad that I was "out of control" or she would tell me to "get a hold of yourself." So - that could be part of it. I am not sure if I just could not hold in my emotions as well as my siblings, or if I was just more sensitive, or if I just had more reasons to be upset. But it seems like they didn't have those outbursts. I think later on, I was less emotional, but when we were younger, I was the cry baby. I think it changed because I controlled myself.
I am not a perfectionist. I have certain (what I would call) quirks, that in certain things, I have to have things a certain way. Like I have to always use flair felt tip pens, I have to use the same coffee cup and nobody else can drink out of it, I don't step on cracks, I won't eat macaroni and cheese unless it is Kraft and is made in a certain order, I don't like my food touching, I don't eat certain things because of their name or because of how they look (I won't eat pulled pork because of the name; I won't eat ham because it looks like flesh, and I won't eat lunch meat for the same reason), I feel like I have to have a list of what I am going to do each morning [brush teeth, go to the bathroom, put my contacts in, etc.] or something bad will happen, and stuff like that. That's not perfectionism; there are just certain things I like certain ways. Other things don't bother me.
As I said, I know my fear of getting stuck in my dream is irrational and won't happen, but it still scares me. Like I tell myself it is impossible, but even if there was a minute possibility, it's not worth the risk of going to sleep. I have had the same fear when I have been with Linda, thinking deeply about things that happened. I felt like I couldn't get out of it once, although I did, and it was a very short time, and it panicked me. Linda could tell, I think, that I was a little overwhelmed. The next session, she wanted me to think about the incident, and it's like I couldn't get my mind to focus. She came to the conclusion that I was avoiding it because I got scared the prior time, and so she asked if it would help to know that she would not let me stay there, and would talk me back if it got too intense. After that, she would only let me stay in that state for a very short time, then would tell me to focus on the present. If I started shaking, she knew to stop it there. Although I felt it was kind of dumb at the time, it did work, and I felt less scared and avoidant. But it isn't the same with the dreams. Nobody can be there to bring me back every night. I KNOW getting stuck in it is not a possibility, but I FEEL like it might be. It would be like it's happening again and again, and even though I feel that way just having the dreams, then waking up, I realize when I wake up that it is not happening and it is something that happened in the past. And then, although I am usually scared and upset, I am so relieved that it wasn't really happening right then. I'm afraid that I will get stuck sometime, and the rest of my life will be experiencing that over and over, or I will just be there again, not knowing that it's already happened, except that I can't change what happened and I can't change what I did. In my dreams, it seems like it is really happening, except in my dreams, I KNOW what is going to happen next and I KNOW what I am going to do and what they are going to do, yet I can't stop it or change it. It's worse than not knowing sometimes. Because I know something really bad is coming, and there's nothing I can do.
I don't know why I feel this way. I know it doesn't make sense. But I do.
About taking control in my dreams - what you are talking about is basically what Linda was saying - change in my mind what happened. First, that is like depending on a fantasy. I can't now change what happened back then, and to try to do so is avoiding the truth of the matter. Second, even if I could convince myself of an alternate ending where I fight them off, then when I wake up, I will have the let down of knowing I did no such thing, that in fact I gave in to them, and that I wasn't brave. Third, the more in control I was, the more at fault I am. Fourth, something I just realized is that I don't feel like I can change anything, because I should have to face the consequences for what really happened and not pacify myself with what I wish would have been. It's like, I know I was somewhat to blame (even though I have changed my perspective on this a lot), and so I know I have to pay something, and I feel like the nightmares are my punishment. And if I manipulate my way out of those, I will have to pay the price in some other way. And fifth, you just can't mess with the truth.
If I could change it any way I wanted, I would like for it not to have happened at all. I would have stayed at the party and never been the wiser. OR, if it had to happen, I wish I could make the other guy sodomize the mean guy and watch. I realize that is a bit twisted, but that is what might make me feel better right this instant.
I think the reason Linda thinks talking to the doctor would be helpful to me is that she knows I have some worries and concerns. When they found fibroids and other stuff, I thought maybe it was actually scar tissue and I was afraid it was because of what happened, and it made me feel terrible. I did ask the dr. if it could be scar tissue, and she said no - it looks different, and there's no reason I would have scar tissue beyond my cervix. I was very relieved. Not that it would make any actual difference, but it would have made a difference to me. Also, I think Linda thinks that I should find out whether, in case I do ever get married and have intercourse, if it would be too painful or if I could even handle it, physically, so I will know, as well as if I wanted to have a child. And I also think she is curious and thinks I should be curious, too, about after all that and all the bleeding, and not getting medical attention, etc., whether I still have signs of it. I am a bit curious, but a bigger part of me doesn't want to know. If I found out there were no scars, and I would have no issues with sex or anything, then I think finding out would be helpful. But if I was told something else, I think it would be really hard. So better safe than sorry, I would say. Also, when I talked to Linda, it was more that I didn't want to have to tell the dr. anything. But when you said it depended on how much I wanted to know, I realized that I don't really want to know.
I am really sad about Katie. I can't believe she's dead. I didn't cry or anything - but I am sad.
Well, I need to finish up some work before I go home .....
Talk to you tomorrow. :)