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It is very discouraging to always go through such trauma. Anger at God is normal and He understands. He can also help you cope with this. You can pray for guidance, to express your anger and for help in coping. It is helpful to know that you are not alone and that God, who is all powerful and loves you, is there for you and can do something to help you.
This feels like a big battle and it may be. But looking at the whole picture will only make you discouraged. It is much easier taking it one step at a time. The grouchy feelings you have may be because you feel so overwhelmed and helpless about what is going on. Taking things one step at a time will help you feel less overwhelmed.
One thing you can try is taking care of yourself. You mentioned that you would love for someone to take care of you. If you can find someone to do that, even if it's just for a day, that would be great. But if not, you may need to work on it yourself. Take a day where you can just get pampered and cared for. If caring for yourself means a manicure, pedicure and haircut, spend a day at the spa. If it means snuggling in at home and doing nothing, plan a day that you stock up on DVDs, books, food and all your necessities. Shut off the phone and get into your favorite clothes. And do all the things you enjoy. By caring for yourself you can give yourself the energy to cope with the traumas you have been through.
I just want to curl up in bed and be left alone. I feel so empty and sad inside. It feels like my tears will never stop. Will they? Will I get through this latest trauma?
I feel like my body is just there to be used by others. I'm not worth anymore than that. Could that be true too? I feel so ugly inside and out. I really just want the pain to stop but I don't think it is going to.
You will get through this Kathy. You may feel very sad now because that is a very normal reaction to a trauma. You would be odd if you did not feel that way. But as time goes on, you will begin to feel better. It may be a bit slow since you have been through so much, but every day is a chance to make progress.
You are not here to be used by others. No one is. God did not make you for that purpose. He made you to be special. You matter to so many people. And what happens to you may be very painful, but it does not define who you are. You are God's child first then you are a person, a mother and a loved one. Those are the roles that define you. What happens to you is bad, yes, but it does not make you who you are.