I never know if you have access to our prior talks, but it concerns my relationship with my fiancé, again! To refresh, he has two boys, and I have a daughter. All of our children are the same age. He has had a relationship with my daughter for two years, but due to issues with his ex on his side, and his own insecurities about his relationship with his children, he has kept me apart from his boys. They know about me, but we do not spend time together, nor does he keep pictures of me in his home. His one child is OK with the notion of getting to know me, but his other child wants no part of a relationship at this point.
The reason my fiancé knows my daughter so well is because he spends 50 percent of his time with his boys, and the other half of the time when they are with their mother, he works in the town where my daughter and I reside. My ex and I stay out of each other's private lives, and I never wanted to hide a part of my life from my daughter, so she met my fiancé two years into our relationship. She adores him, regards XXXXX XXXXX a second father and was thrilled when we became engaged.
Well, here's the issue, my daughter received a lead role in her school play back in January. She asked my fiancé to attend, and he said that he would love to as long as it was a weekend that he was here. So, my daughter consulted the calendar, and much to her delight announced that the play was occurring on a weekend where my fiancé would be here in town.
Well, today, he tell me that he wants to do this three day event with his one child, the one who is not opposed to the notion of me. I look up the dates of the event, and they overlap with the play. My daughter is in the play, but the event that they are attending is a spectator event, so he would not be missing his son performing in it.
I suggested a comprise that he go to the two of the three days of the event with his child, and keep his commitment to the attend the play. A compromise, so neither child is hurt or denied. His reply, "but we've been planning to do this for over a year, and it's ashame that it happens to overlap with your daughter's play, but the third day is the final, the best day and the other two days are the individual events"
His idea, "let's just switch weekends, and that way I can do the whole event with my son, and you can just tell your daughter that it turns out that I have my children that weekend after all." I said, that I did
not feel comfortable lying to my daughter telling her that he had some emergency when he really just did not want to alter his plans at all with his son. Furthermore, I told him that we are supposed to be his family as well, and that it is not right to just toss us both to the side because it is not convenient.
He then further went on to say," I would hope that you would understand and not want me to disappoint my son." My reply, "so I should disappoint and deceive my daughter, so you don't have to compromise?" I was truly hurt.
I feel that he has a responsibility to both children. He feels that my daughter and I should just understand. I do not think that this is the correct way to conduct things, allowing himself to designate some people more import an than others.
It hurts me terribly that he feels that it is OK to just bail on my daughter and myself, so that he does not have to ask his son to compromise in any manner. It feels like a huge red flag and warning about what would be in a marriage, some people being more important than others.
When I said that I would not lie to my daughter, and that I expected him to compromise, so that both children were treated justly, his reply was, "I'll need to think about that." That really disturbed me.
Do you think that I am correct in feeling that this engagement should be broken?