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Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience:  PsyD Psychologist
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Husband had an affair with a much younger girl. He doesnt ever

Customer Question

Husband had an affair with a much younger girl. He doesnt ever want to talk about it. I have also caught him watching porn several times after him promising he wouldnt while he denies me sexually. Obviously he is not in love with me. Why do I hang on
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for writing in JustAnswer.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's situation.
Let me ask you a few questions first.
When did this problem start?
When did he have an affair with another woman?
Have you and your husband had marriage counseling?
Is there a specific question I can assist you with?
Please let me know by clicking on “Reply” and I will then craft my response.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Warm Regards,
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
It started in november 2009 while I was away using my vacation time and money to help care for his grandparents in california (we live in arkansas) i stumbled across the himdreds of texts that started as soon as i left on phone bill. He was distant for a few months but wouldn't tell me what was bothering him. He left me when i confronted him and wouldu talk to me for weeks but wanted to get back together when divorce papers were ready. We have no choldren together but i have 14t yr old daughter and he has 14 ur old son that lives with us. His son stayed at husbands mothers while we were separated and he had almost no contact with him during that time. Husband denied ever having sex with girl but 2 weeks after we got back together she texted me and told me she would answer any questions i had for her. They did have sexual relatilnship unprotected and she got pregnant. He told her he would never have anything to do with babu and mad her have abortion. She was upset he never cbecked. on her afterwards and that was why she t told me. The porn start before he met her and i have caught it on his phone after! ! I was always willing and it makes me feel lime he is not attracted to me. He has stopped for last week (o can tell ) but for how long..i know it is a matter of time. I told him the time before the last that i would have to get out of relationship if i caught him again. I didnt. This is killing me and i am not fhe same. I am not the mother i used to be and i am not carefeee like i used to be. I cant find myself. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. This girl was 1flushing year older than my daughter. That disturbes me. We have neen together for 8me yrs nowu he is 36 and i am 38
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I'll be back with my answer in 1 hour.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for waiting.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through.
It sounds like your husband of 8 years had an affair with a young woman.
You also found he was watching porn several times.
You stated he may have got this woman pregnant. I can imagine how sad this situation must have been to you. I understand you don't feel the same about your husband, yourself, and marriage after finding all about his action.
He still wants to get back together with you.
It sounds like he still loves you.
However, he already broke your trust.
As you are concerned, he may have an affair with someone again unless he acknowledges he has A PROBLEM - like depression, anxiety, sexual addiction etc...
Perhaps, you may need assurance from him that he won't cheat on you again and won't hurt you again.
What do you think?
Do you still want to find a way to forgive and save your marriage regardless of his past action?
Possibly, he has a problem to work on.
I would advise him (or you and him) to work with a psychotherapist to resolve his issues for a few months.
In the meantime, you may also need support from a psychotherapist to handle this problem in your marriage or your husband, and make a decision about your marriage over time.
I hope you stay strong and maintain hope, and continue to get support from the people you trust - family, friends and your therapist.

Please let me know if you have more questions or I have overlooked any. Warm regards,

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Well i dont think he loves me at all. How could he have unprotected sex and not tell me, putting me in danger. Keep on watching porn after she told me. I would think if he loved me he wouldnt want to lose me. Its like he doesn't care. I feel like he is using me to take care of things. Because i am responsible. I am wondering why do i stay. I feel like he was wonderful long enough till i put my guard down and have me hooked now he doesnt care. He only stopped because he doent want to get caught. He lies about little things still. How do i find myself again? Why does he have a hold on me. I loose respect for him more and more.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for your reply.
I'll be back with my answer.
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Hi there,
Thank you for waiting.

I understand your feelings.
His past and current action/behavior broke your trust.
It's natural for you to feel like this way.
You deserve a better husband, a good marriage & happiness.

I would advise you to get lots of support from your family, friends, and/or a psychotherapist/counselor in this time.

You'll find a best answer/decision about your marriage over time.

Let me know if you have a question.
I wish you the very best,
Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 4 years ago.
Do you have a question?
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