I hope you have been doing well. Me...not so great. However I did
tell my partner the bad thing that happened a few weeks ago. I was at my therapists and she suggested I call him from her office where it is safe and then she and I could discuss afterward.
She told me that I have such a high self-loathing of myself and often berate myself too.
I'm going to try and tell you too because I really feel this will be a tough weekend for me. My therapist actually considered me going to the hospital because my OCD is interferring with my life so much. It is taking over it actually.But this is because I have been holding onto many things on my own and not trusting or sharing with anyone.
I was putting my recycling outside at about 9:00 p.m. at night. I live in a nice neighborhood and know my neighbors. But on this night as I was beside my garage these two men jump over my neighbors fence and knocked me down. Very hard as my head hit the cement which was covered in ice and snow. I lost my bearings for a brief second which was how long it took for one of them to hold me down while the other one raped me. I hate that word because to me it is such an ugly word but what they did to me was ugly. I guess I was fortunate that my neighbor opened her back door to let her dogs out and it scared them off.
I didn't scream or anything. I couldn't as my front door was open and my daughter was inside. I didn't want her to be seen. I was probably only 10 feet from my door where this happened.
I haven't told many people before today because I didn't want to hear them ask me why I didn't take out my garbage earlier when it was light outside. I thought it was a perfectly normal thing to do at your own home. Wasn't it? Am I wrong in thinking this?
How can one person be violated in this way again? I had enough on my plate to deal with. I did call a crisis number the next morning and they met me at the hospital to get a forensic examination completed on me as I had not showered. I felt violated again even though it was done in a private area by a nurse dedicated to this type of exam.
After they let me shower and change and talk about my options. I also got medications for pregnancy and HIV and blood taken to check for other things. Then I went home. To my empty house and locked myself in.
I just feel sad
. That's all I ever feel. Tears come all the time and I feel so alone even though I know that it is not true. Perhaps that is all I am worth. My body is just for the taking. I don't know anymore except that I feel disgusted by my own body and cannot understand why these horrible things happen to me.
I see my therapist next Tuesday but that seems very far away. My therapist thought that if her and I dealt with some of the issues that seem to be bothering me so much that my OCD would decrease. So we did the big one first. I do feel like a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders by telling my partner. Plus his reaction was sadness for me and off the chart anger at the offenders. He told me he would be there for me. I hope I can be there for me too.
Sometimes I just feel like I don't matter. Or sometimes I just feel nothing at all. This incident has really pushed me back and made me feel so much worse than I ever have.
Thanks for listening Kate. I know my note is rather long.