I'm speechless, and dumbfounded. It completely explains my baffleness as to why, when someone asks me, what I think, I can find the words to convey my thoughts, and opinions, but when the question is asked, as to what I feel... i draw a blank, and often say, "in this given situation, most would feel".... but it's never what "i feel", because in a way, i've forgotten how to feel?
which would explain, why I tend to shy away from social experiences (which was never encouraged to begin with growing up)....I feel awkward, and actually really sick to my stomach at times. but here is the thing, I can speak up and stand up for myself with others, such as colleagues, family members(including my father), strangers, etc. I have no problem stating my bit, and being levelheaded about it. It's just that with my father- what I say is always wrong, and never valid. and I've tried to confront him about `this, but everybody always tells me to let it go... people always dodge around him, and just say what he wants to hear... and I REFUSE to say something that isn't true to what I believe, feel, or care, about. I realize that he may have his own issues/insecurities in life, but that's something he needs to deal with, or atleast be honest about, so that others can help him with it. He's CHOOSING to be miserable, and make everybody else miserable too, and feel responsible for his life. and then it becomes a snowball effect, which i really want to stop being a part of. My parents recently went away on vacation, and the week prior to them leaving, i distanced myself from them. and no word of a lie, they were the best 2 weeks of my life not having any contact with them. I was a happier person with myself, with my kids, and husband, and others in general.
I felt alot of responsibility for them- they immigrated and I had to look after things, still to this day I have to always fill out paperwork for them. My father knows enough of the language to get by, but my mother is stubborn to learn/speak it. Even when the physical abuse was happening, I remember on many occasions, I'd say, "mom this is enough", and she'd say. you need to help me.(at the time I was 7) So now as an adult I look back on that, and I wonder, if it was my fault for not "doing something about it".... especially since, I see my brother (now an adult), exhibiting the same personality traits as my father.