I'm sure I just noticed the stuff on Dog the Bounty Hunter because I was thinking about our chat yesterday. But it's true. Beth was holding this hopped-up prostitute while she was crying and holding her hands in her face and telling her it was going to be okay. She had never met th ewoman before then. I never got that, even from my parents.
I often thank God that I am apparently not prone to alcoholism, because I would have been addicted before I knew it. I certainly abused alcohol, but I did not form a dependence on it, and I am very, very thankful. I have seen how addiction tears people and families apart, and I am well aware it's a lifelong struggle, and I am so, so thankful that I did not develop that issue. Now, I have maybe one or two drinks a year (usually when I'm with my family). It really has no appeal for me. What is interesting is that my parents hardly drank when we were growing up - only socially, then it was one drink usually, maybe two. Now, however, I feel like my dad drinks too much. He has taken to drinking expensive bourbon and drinks it every night after work. I wouldn't have a problem with one drink, but he has more than several, at least whe nI've been there or they have been here. It surprises me how quickly he goes through bottles of that when he visits. And he gets mean, especially to my mom, hwen he drinks more than he should, according to my siblings. Apparently, there have been a few holday fiascos which left everyone fighting with ach other, precipitated because of my dad, when he had had too much. Thankfully, I was not there, just heard about it from all sides. I am glad I live across the country, and I usually don't go home anymore for holidays. But I think he's decreased his drinking since he had the stroke in November, and he is on anti-seizure meds. He has changed a lot since that happened, actually. it really scared him. He even is phasing out and going to fully retire at the end of this year (he is the president and CEO of a bank he started). But he still drinks too much for my liking.
How do I think I would have felt about what happened and how would I have seen what happened if I hadn't had the childhood or parents I did? Those are tough questions. I don't really know, because I am who I am and grew up as I did. I don't know any different, so it is hard to tell. I do not know what part of my thinking is just me, what part comes from my parents, etc. I don't know if I felt what I felt about it because that's what was true, or because of me, or because of what was instilled in me. I would say that the fact that I take personal responsibility for everything in my life probably influenced my feelings about what happened, and that came from my parents, mostly, I think.
I can say that as lost and alone and in physical pain as I felt afterwards, if I had thought that I could get comfort and sympathy and help from my parents - or anyone - as selfish as that is, I would have gone to them. I needed someone to help me. I mean, I guess I didn't NEED it - I handled it on my own, but it sure would have been nice to have not dealt with it alone.
And I know discounting things ocmes from my parents -- they discount everything, and do not believe on dwelling on anything. When my friend told my parents what happened, she didn't know all the details, but knew generally that it was kind of violent. Apparently she told my parents that. When my parents talked to me after she told them, they were not glad at all she told them (it was obvious), and my mom said that she was over-dramatic, and it was not as bad as she had implied to them. She didn't ask me - she just came to that conclusion. If I would have gone home or told them right after, and they would have told me it was no big deal and that it didn't hurt that bad, I think I would have more issues about it now than I do. Because it hurt really bad, and it would have made me feel like I was being a baby and being over-dramatic.
This really has nothing to do with this particular point, but I was thinking about it and it was bothering me: within a few months after my (former) friend told my parents, my grandma(my dad's mom, with whom we were all super-close) was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to her brain, and was only given 3 months (which was eerily accurate), and the family dog died. At Christmas, when I was home, my mom commented to me how my firend telling them was at an awful time, and that they had to deal with that and then tese other things, all within a short time. She was complaining about it. I know it was all a burden, and I felt bad at the time (although I didn't tell them and didn't plan to -- that was out of my control). But later, it kind of made me mad. It was such a burden and inconvenience to them, but what about me?
I also think my idea that the fact I couldn't just forget about it and go on is a sign of being weak, is definitely from them. There was no dwelling on anything. I was taught to "get over it" and to not do so was being self-centered and weak.
I probably would not have instantly accepted responsibility for the whole thing -- maybe I would have, I don't know, but likely not, I would think. But finding where I erred, complied, whatever, would be something my parents would do. I have a strong sense that whatever happens to us, there are always choices we make, and we have to live with and are responsible for the consequences of those choices. If I would have refused to comply, then I would be responsible for the consequences of that. Since I chose to comply, I would be responsible for the consequences of that choice. Objectively, I see that maybe my choice was wrong (it feels wrong) and even if the consequence of not complying was to die or suffer more pain, maybe that still was the right choice, and I made the wrong choice. But I'm glad I didn't die. And honestly, having them in my mouth or having sex or sodomizing and my saying and doing things, was a lot less painful thatn the bottle. I don't mean to be overdramatic, bu the bottle and it cutting me really, really hurt. It honestly did. But even if it was the right choice I made (or even if there was no right or wrong, it's just what I chose), I still have to pay te consequences for that. Because I did have a choice. But I am coming to feel like those guys should have to pay a consequence -- and should pay a bigger consequence than me. I deserve to pay the consequences for what I did, but I don't think I should pay the consequences for what they did. It's kind of like when my brother and sister would bully me -- I felt they were the ones who did wrong, but I always had to pay the consequence for reacting in what my parents thought was an inappropriate way, and they had no consequences, and it wasn't fair (my parents' favorite thing to tell us was "life isn't fair." Isn't that the truth!!).
But I don't know how much is just me --- not everything I think or feel or do came from my parents. I think I was born with a lot of my personality, although I know there are major environmental influences. A lot of my thoughts are in direct opposition to the rest of my family. For instance, I have always been pro-life and have been outspoken about it. That didn't come from my parents -- I just knew it was right. The rest of the family is pro-choice. None of them are saved, and although everyone except my brother goes to church every week my parents to a Lutheran church, my sister to a Catholic church), they do not agree that Jesus is the only way and do not have a personal relationship with him. I have always had a strong sense of right and wrong on certain things, and that was just there -- and it frequently did not mirror my parents' beliefs. Another example is sex. My dad gave me my "birds and bees" talk. This is what he said: "You're getting to the age where guys are going to want to get in your pants, and if you need birth control, talk to your mom." I was mortified. First, it was super-awkward. Second, at that time I had no plans to have sex with anyone. They just assumed we would have sex and just didn't want us to get pregnant. They didn't believe me when I said I wasn't having sex. My sister wsa quite promiscuous. However, I just knew it was wrong. And when I did have sex at the end of my senior year in HS, I felt guilty about it and knew it was wrong, but also thought it was what I was supposed to do -- everyone else was, and we had been dating for over a year at that point. But then in college, when all my sorority sisters were sleeping around and telling us all about it, I stillfelt it was wrong and didn't do it. Until that night. But the fact is -- I had different ideaas of right and wrong from my family, so I don't know how much of what I feel about the "attack" ( ) was from my own thoughts and how much came from my parents.
And I do realize that the childhood stuff was my parents' issue and not mine, really. And a lot of things they did (or didn't do) were across the board with all 3 of us. But some of it, I feel, was just directed at me, or worse on me, etc. Is it just because it's me that I feel like I bore the brnt of things? Does everyone feel that they were treated the worst? My siblings would agree with me - now that we're adults. My parents would not agree. They have said that it's just that I was bad more often and that they couldn't stand my crying or whining, or that they just couldn't believe me because I was so "sneaky," so basically, I brought it all on myself (which I understand is probably true in many ways). So -- my parents treating me different than my siblings --- that doesn't show that their treatment of me wsa just because of how ther were -- since they acted another way with my siblings. Why was it me? Because I was different? Because they didn't understand me? Because I was secretive?
This is probably not something I can sort out in a day, huh?