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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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my husband always puts me down when we go out,

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my husband always puts me down when we go out, I wear a skirt and he does not like the shoes so i change the shoes and he still does not like them and then he says he is not going out with me looking like that. so i change to jeans and some new shoes or if i do wear a skirt he says everyone is laughing at me. Now he is moaning that i never wear skirts when he is here and just when i go out with my friends. I dont want to upset him but i like to wear a skirt when out and i give in to avoid an argument and wear jeans when he is not here or just dont go out.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

How long have you been married? Here is the real problem: Your husband has a problem!! Not you. The issue about the clothes is not the real issue. The true problem is that your husband has some personality disorder characteristics that would make it hard for anyone to get along with him in an intimate relationship. Here are my guesses about some of his other less-desiresable characteristics: He always has to be 'right' in an argument; you always end up being mostly 'wrong', in his eyes. He cannot easily admit fault and take responsibility for his own misbehavior. You and others see him as somewhat selfish and lacking in real empathy for others. He seems self-focused and self-absorbed to others. You feel he tries to control you, much more than you control him. He is actually sending messages to you in quite a number of ways that he loves you, but you don't quiet 'measure up' to his true expectations and desires. You feel very often he isn't really proud of you, except when you are doing things exactly as HE wants. So the clothing issue is just a symptom of his personality issues, in a broader sense.

What do you think?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
We have been together for 5 years he works in afgan use to be in the army. Everything you have said is right. As far as he thinks he has no problems and always says about people who leave the army and seek help should not of joined the army so he would never say he has a problem. How can i stop myself feeling low when he puts me down
It will probably require you becoming more assertive with him, objecting directly to his criticisms of you (explain how his criticisms make you feel, "Maybe I should begin commenting about how you are unpreventable and I can't go out with you the way you are dressed. I resent being told how I should dress. I don't make these comments to you.")

You CANT stop feeling badly when he puts you down, except to continually rehearse to yourself that this isn't quite the perfect guy you thought you should marry. He is a little narcissistic and self-absorbed. This simply isn't the type of person one has a beautiful, peaceful intimate relationship with. There are some limitations you'll experience over and over again with him. So not feeling so bad is a sort of unnatural thing to have to do because his behavior is unnatural and not healthy to have to experience. You would have to remind yourself that he has these limitations, over and over, to yourself, when he does stuff like this, in order to not let his comments get to you. Don't know if you or anyone can easily do such a thing; it might only take some of the hurt and sting away from it.

I have to run off to a meeting now. Feel free to follow up if you wish. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen as well. Thanks.
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