How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Michael Your Own Question

Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
28397935
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Michael is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, IVY LEAGUE GRAD, SUCCESSFUL IN

Resolved Question:

WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, IVY LEAGUE GRAD, SUCCESSFUL IN NEW YORK OFF BROADWAY THEATER, CABARET ARTIST, WRITER, COMPOSER, , LYRICIST, MARRIED TO MUSIC DIRECTOR AND MUSIC CONSULTANT FOR FILM AND BROADWAY SHOWS, HAS 3 SONS..14 YEARS OLD AND 11 YEAR OLD TWINS...AND STRUGGLES EVERY DAY WITH HER CHILDREN WHO ARE VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO HER WHEN SHE ATTEMPTS TO DISCIPLINE THEM..... HER HUSBAND, NOT A DISCIPLINARIAN, AND DIABETIC, TAKING MEDICATION FOR DEPRESSION AND DIABETES, IS NOT COOPERATIVE, SHE SAYS REGARDING THE DISCIPLINE OF THEIR BOYS, BECAUSE HIS FATHER WAS A VERY STRICT DISCIPLINARIAN AND CAUSED ONE OF HIS SISTERS AND HIS BROTHERS AND HIMSELF TO BE DEPRESSED....MY DAUGHTER IS A PERFECTIONIST..WANTING HER BOYS TO BE AS EXCELLENT A STUDENT AS SHE WAS, AND HOPEFULLY TO BE ACCEPTED INTO AN IVY LEAGUE COLLEGE LIKE THE ONE SHE GRADUATED FROM....SHE INSISTS THE 14 YEAR OLD HAD ADD, HAS WANTED TO GIVE HIM MEDICATION,EVEN THOUGH HE HAS SOME ASTHMA...I HAVE INQUIRED OOF MY PHYSICIAN WHO SAID WHEN PARENTS WANTED THEIR TEENAGERS PUT ON MEDICATION (TO GET HIGHER GRADES AND CONCENTRATE) HE HAS DONE IT..WITH MIXED RESULTS: SOME DO A BIT BETTER, OTHERS "FREAK OUT..GET JITTERY...") HE TOLD ME THAT THE MEDICATION FOR ADD IS AMPHETAMINE..."SPEED." SO FAR, MY DAUGHTER HAS NOT GIVEN GHE MEDS,BUT SHE CONTINUES TO MENTION ADD AND MEDS TO ME....ONE OF THE TWINS, 11 YEARS OLD, HAS BECOME EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, FIGHTING WITH HER ABOUT MANY THINGS...HE TOLD ME THAT HIS MOTHER THINKS HE IS A GENIUS, CAN GET TOP GRADES, PLAY THE VIOLA..WHICH HE DOES..WANTS HIM TO TAKE PRIVATE LESSONS AS WELL AS PLAY IN THE SCHOOL ORCHESTRA..MY DAUGHTER SAYS THE BOYS ARE ALL ADDICTED TO THEIR I-PHONES, COMPUTERS, AND VIDEO GAMES, AND DO NOT DO THEIR HOMEWORK AND ARE GETTING POOR GRADES IN SCHOOL: B'S AND C'S OCCASIONALLY... NOT THE A PLUSES SHE WANTS THEM TO GET... SHE SAYS THE 14 YEAR OLD, WHO SHE WANTS TO GIVE MEDICATION TO FOR WHAT SHE SAYS IS ADD, WAITS UNTIL,THE LAST MOMENT TO DO HIS HOMEWORK, GOES TO SLEEP VERY LATE, EVEN THOUGH SHE SAYS HE NEEDS TO GET 10 HOURS OF SLEEP... I SUGGESTED THAT SHE RESTRICT THE USE OF THEIR ELECTRONIC DEVICES, AND SINCE THE 11 YEAR OLD WHO IS REBELLING, '"IS NOT HAPPY IN CLASS, DOES NOT PARTICIPATE, UNLESS THE TEACHER CALLS ON HIM IN CLASS" THE TEACHER WROTE TO MY DAUGHTER... SIT IN THE VERY FRONT OF HIS CLASSES IN SCHOOL.... THE BOYS WDRE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE RESTRICTION OF THEIR ELECTRONIC STUFF....A NEW PROBLEM: MY DAUGHTER'S HUSBAND, WHO HAD BEEN ON MEDS FOR DIABETES AND DEPRESSION, MONITORING HIS BLOOD SUGAR, IS NOW TAKING LITHIUM....SHE SAID HE HAS MANIC-DEPRESSION....THIS PAST WEEKEND, HE FLEW INTO A RAGE, IN RESPONSE TO SOMETHING SHE HAD SAID..SHE PHONED ME, SCREAMING INTO THE PHONE.. I ASKDED TO SPEAK WITH MY SON-IN-LAW, AND TOLD HIM THAT WHEN HE FEELS A RAGE COMING OVER HIM, THAT HE SHOULD GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY, THAT HE MUST NEVER ATTACK MY DAUGHTER OR THE CHILDREN.... I TOLD HIM ALSO, THAT MY DAUGHTER HAS A TENDENCY NOT TO REMIND SOMEONE ABOUT AN ERROR.... THAT SHE DOES NOT ''LET THINGS GO." SHE HAS MUCH TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.. HE FORETS TO DOM THINGS ASKED OF HIM.. RECENTLY HE FORGOT TO PAY A LIFE INSURANCE PREMIUM..LETTING IT LAPSE... MY DAUGHTER IS HAVING A VERY TOUGH TIME...SHE COMPLAINS ALSO,ABOUT THEIR NOT BEING INTIMATE, THE DRUGS HE TAKES AND S DEPRESSION LIMITING THEIR PHYSICAL COMMUNICATION...
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

I think you realize exactly what is happening here. The real problem here is the dysfunctional marital relationship that exists between your daughter and son-in-law, and the inadequacies of your daughter as a mother---she has dreams SHE wants her kids to fulfill, but the kids don't share the dreams because they do not have the same values she does about school, excelling etc. Much of this mis-alignment of the mother's dreams and her pressures to get her kids to turn out 'like she did' and what her kids want are closely related to failures on her part to spend enough time building deep and meaningful relationships with her kids---she put her career and personal goals ahead of the time her kids have needed.

It is highly doubtful her son has ADHD as he sounds quite 'normal'. The central, core problem in this family is the marital relationship problem. I would coach you to advise your daughter to take whatever time is necessary to get into marital therapy with her husband as a first step. She can certainly have her kids evaluated by someone who can do the proper assessment and testing----which would be someone called a Clinical Psychologist. They can advise her whether her kids have ADHD and help her more consistently use good parenting techniques, set realistic expectations for her kids. As it stands, she risks damaging her relationship with her boys. She places great demands and expectations on them, but isn't sacrificing the personal time, relationship-building time that is necessary to help them increase their behavioral effort. So there is most definitely, historically, an unwillingness to really spend the necessary time with her kids; this theme or problem is reflected in the fact that if she sees the kids not achieving as she expects, she believes there must be a problem other than her relationship, other than her own actions as a parent that must explain it. So, she expects that medication will take care of the problem, a solution that is external to herself.

If her husband has not been diagnosed with bipolar disorder until this late age, it would be surprising if he actually had bipolar disorder. Bipolar like behavior can be caused in many people by taking antidepressant medication for long periods of time, and utterly frustrating marital relationships can cause mood swings and emotional eruptions that 'look like' hypo manic episodes. So again, this couple needs marital therapy in a serious way.

In reading your post, I have to say you show tremendous insight into what is happening here; your advice to your daughter has been wise and sound. I'll pause here and solicit your feedback about these ideas. It may take many hours before I can respond again as I have other appointments today and will be on/off this computer. I appreciate your patience.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE... MY DAUGHTER AND HUSBAND ARE IN MARITAL COUNSELING..AND NOW, SHE AND HER HUSBAND WENT WITH ONE OF THE TWINS...11 YEARS OLD FOR COUNSELING, SINCE HE HAS BEEN VERY DIFFICULT, FIGHTING WITH HER , BEING VERBALLY ABUSIVE..KICKING AND SCREAMING, SHE SAYS... I AGREE WITH YOU REGARDING MY DAUGHTER'S UNFULFILLED DREAMS OF BEING HUGELY SUCCESSFUL... SHE RECENTLY WROTE A SHOW TOBE BE PRODUCED WHICH WAS BASD ON A FILM..SHE WORKED WITH COLLABORATORS WHO SHE REGARDED AS AMATEURS .. AND WHEN HER WORK WAS NOT SELECTEDD..THE PROJECT NOT MOVING FORWARD..,THE GRANDSON 11 YEARS OLD TOLD ME, SHE CON TINUED TO SAY THEY WERE AMATEURS..OTHER THINGS... HER HUSBAND WAS IN EUROPE, CONSULTING FOR A SHOW, ANAD APPARENTLY, SHE TOLD THE BOYS WHAT HAD HAPPENED... I ADVISED MY GRANDSON TO TELL HIS MOTHER HE FELT BADLY ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED...HER WORK NOT ACCEPTED..SHE HAD THOUGHT IT WAS VERY GOOD... BUT THAT HE WAS JUST A KID AND COULD NOT HELP HER VERY MUCH...I DO N OT KNOIW THATVHIS VERBAL ABUSE HAS TO DO WITH HER UNHAPPINESS ABOUT HER WORK NOT BEING ACCEPTED.. SHALL I TELL MY DAUHTER WHAT I BELIEVE IS HAPPENING? SHE IUS EXTREMELY OPINIONATED BELIEVES SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT... SHE IS VERY BRILLIANT, BUT VERY UNHAPPY.... ... AND I AM CONCERNED ABOUT HER HEALTH AND THE CHILDREN AND HER HUSBAND.... AGAIN, WHAT IS MY ROLE HERE? CAN I HELP MY FAMILY ?
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Your proper role here? Well, I would tread lightly and offer advice only when she complains to you again, and seems to be fishing for answers. THEN, you can offer advice. You can also share some of the ideas I shared here with you----adopt all of them as 'your own' ideas if you wish. She obviously is quite insecure and creates a facade of confidence, self-sufficiency and 'competence'. She may be competent in many ways but no one is perfect---yet she tries hard to portray she is. Unconsciously, she is living out her unfulfilled, personal expectations by pressuring her children to fulfill them instead---as their success will validate her personal sense of value or worth and prove she is the perfect successful mother---again, more manifestations of fundamental insecurity. I think you are quite right in that her anger and externalization of blame for the failed show she wrote is a clear indication of personal insecurity.

I wish you well with this. I'm glad they have started marital therapy. You are quite wise and can decide exactly when, and how much feedback to share. and how to do so diplomatically so as to not damage your relationship with her. Let me know if I can be of further help. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the page. Thanks.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
Dr. Michael and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael
Mental Health Professional
2177 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.