Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.
You report you can calm yourself down a bit but it sounds like the problem involves an upwelling of very strong feelings of jealousy and insecurity, and you then say or do things with regard to your lady love that are quite self-defeating and possibly damage the relationship; and you then regret acting up!!!
If you stop to really read and re-read your post to me (above) you will see that it is 'as if' your wise rational mind has the major control over the composition---your writing of this post to me. So you've calmed down and your wise rational mind is objectively trying to figure out how to bridle and control your EMOTIONAL trains of thought
or what you might think of as your 'emotional mind'. This latter emotionality erupts dramatically and your wise rational mind realizes it could damage or destroy your relationship. So I hope you can buy in to the idea that you have strong trains of thought that are alternately, highly emotional and irrational, and at other times, quite calm, reasoned, rational and objective. Sometimes these opposing trains of thought 'do battle' inside your head.
The first step in resolving this is to make sure that when you start feeling jealous and insecure, you at least allow your wise rational mind to step in with a caution. I'm not sure what you need to say to yourself at these moments but it might go something like this: "O.K., I'm feeling really insecure and jealous---I'm almost panicked with worry, anxiety
and jealousy. I don't know what she is thinking, and I wish I knew what she was DOING right now. But the #1 thing I cannot afford to do is to ACT in a jealous manner, or say or do ANYTHING that reveals my jealous and insecure feelings; doing so will always backfire and make me look silly, insecure, and unattractive to this woman!!. So it is o.k. to FEEL this way but I absolutely must not act out on these feelings right now. They will pass and feeling this way won't kill me.!"
And I can assure you that these feelings do and will pass and if your relationship with this woman is meaningful and solid, you will gradually learn to trust her more and feel a bit more confident in the relationship. Something about what you are experiencing now was reflected in your dating experiences once again, much earlier in your life, before you first married. That is, I suspect that as a teenager or young man, you were highly prone to feeling jealous and insecure, even back then. This may have played a role in your marriage in ways you don't realize. Now, if your wise rational mind---the trains of thought that prompted you to write your first post (above) can simply keep you from doing anything stupid when your anxiety and jealousy start to rage, you can at least be more likely to keep this relationship going. You may want to think about talking to a psychologist or therapist about this issue and how you manage these feelings better. You won't STOP feeling jealous or insecure completely, but you CAN most definitely, keep from acting out based on these feelings and in doing so, damage your relationship. I'll pause here and solicit your feedback. I may be away from the computer off/on all day so take your time. responding and exercise some patience in waiting for a response, please.