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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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I feel so bitter and angry when I think of my fiances ex and

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I feel so bitter and angry when I think of my fiances ex and mother of his two children. She is manipulative and I don't ever have to talk to her or deal with her yet I am constantly thinking about her and it makes me stressed, angry and frustrated. I am also having a very very hard time accepting his past and the fact that he has two children. The children are 2 and 4 and are nice enough, I just don't feel like I can love them the way he wants me too and it makes me feel like a failure. I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner and Im hoping it gets easier as time goes on but I think its me that is the problem. How do I accept his past and his children and move on to make a happy future for us?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.

A blended family is very difficult in the best of circumstances. One issue that is quite common is assuming that you will love them like your own. Some people just can't reach that goal and certainly not after only a short time. That is something that happens over a very long period of time. You don't have the feelings for them that you would have with a child of your own. It is unrealistic to think that you will. You will have a different feeling for them which will eventually possibly grow into something else. Because step parents want to have these feelings so quickly they try to make these huge strides in finding a loving family. But it has to be cone in baby steps. Have bonding experiences that result in positive interactions but don't try so hard. Your partner should understand that this is a gradual process. You will have time to develop into your as step mom.

 

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
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Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I’m a moderator for this topic and I wonder whether you’re still waiting for an answer. If you are, please let me know and I will do my best to find an Expert to assist you right away. If not, feel free to let me know and I will cancel this question for you. Thank you!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I was wondering how do I deal with my partners ex? How do I stop stressing and making myself sick by thinking about her. I get angry just thinking about her. I know they will never get back together yet I can't help getting frustrated and angry. I am worried my feelings about her will project on the children when it is not their fault.
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 2 years ago.

Thank you. Sometimes, finding the right Expert can take a little longer than expected and we thank you greatly for your understanding. We’ll be in touch again shortly:-)

Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your question. Before providing recommendations and suggestions, I have a few questions. First, please describe the finance's ex's manipulation. Second, what type of interactions have you had with her? Third, what does your finace say about her manipulation and your anger towards her? After your response, I may be able to give you suggestions on resolving the anger.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I went to high school with her so I do know her and what she is like. She goes through friends like noone else, she backstabs, gossips and hurts people to get her own way. My partner doesn't make me see her, talk to her or anything if I don't want to and I tend not to as she makes me so angry just thinking about her.
In terms of manipulation, she is constantly asking for more money from my partner even though our child support which is more than adequate is always paid on time and as I see it, not even used on the children. It is used for her and her partners tattoo addiction and bad habits. She will never swap a weekend with us even though we accomodate everything she asks.

My partner says he understands my concerns and he also feels bitter towards her but keeps it friendly for the kids sake.

I just want to know what I can do to stop feelin so angry, resentful and bitter and try to move past it and make a nice, loving environment within our home. At the moment, I can't even imagine bringing children into this environment when I feel so negative even though my greatest dream is to be a mother one day.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Does this person remind you of someone from your past? You mentioned going to school with her...did she do something to you made you really angry in school?

One recommendation I have thus far is to write a draft letter to her expressing all of your thoughts and feelings. After writing all your thoughts and feelings, cross out everything that does not pertain to you and see what is left. When that happens, see how that can be resolved.

In terms of her asking your fiancé for extra money, he needs to learn how to say "no" because she is not entitled to it. Don't be flexible about custody because based on the description of the fiance's ex, she may have borderline personality disorder where strict boundaries are needed.
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience: 10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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