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Kathy has some issues that you may not have seen because she explained them on the other posts. She and I have been talking awhile and we both understand where she is now.
You didn't make me mad. Not at all.
What do you feel you were looking for in reading the responses?
I don't know. Just curious, I guess. And I was kind of checking you out. And wanted to know if anything might pertain to me. And once I read a few, I felt bad for the people and wanted to read more to see how they were doing.
Did you see I responded on our last thread?
Since I wrote it, I called L., because I was kind of falling apart, and she didn't seem to understand what I was saying/feeling and said to try to put it aside, and was wondering if there were external factors making me feel bad today or thought maybe because I took migraine pills and sleeping pills again last night (because it makes me sleep better and get black to sleep after a nightmare if I take both) it has something to do with it.
I thought I was supposed to FEEL. Now that I am, she's thinking there's got to be some unrelated reason for it, and she doesn't understand what I'm talking about, and she's telling me to set it aside, and I think she was just so shocked I was balling to her on the phone, and she just [rayed with me and said she doesn't know how to help me but that this seems like a major deal, and needs to call another therapist to see if s/he has any ideas of how to help me. Just made me feel worse.
I did see your response and I answered.
I'm sorry it didn't go so well with Linda. I was hoping she would be able to give you some support. It may be that she didn't understand and just needed some time to sort it out. You may want to try writing out how you are feeling, maybe using some of our threads to help you. It may make it easier to explain next time you talk to Linda.
Sorry - your responses crossed with mine both times.
Yeah -- she asked me to write it out for our appointment on Monday, and she had me repeat things I was saying several times so that she could hear them again and try to figure things out. I guess I didn't explain very well. She said that hopefully she can talk to one of her colleagues and be more helpful, and she's going to call me back at about 5.
I just ... I guess I thought that feeling was supposed to be a good thing and it was okay that I was upset, but maybe she would help me feel better, and now I feel like she was saying NOT to be upset and not to feel and to ignore what I am feeling.
I'm so confused.
How exactly is my "safety bubble" harming me? I am not questioning the truth of that - I don't know -- I just think maybe if I knew how it was harming me it might help.
And let me get this straight --- in my efforts to see everything as black and white and wanting the absolute truth, I am really creating a world for myself that's not real, because tha's not how things work in real life?
It might help if you let go of what is ok and not ok with your feelings and just feel them as you need to. It is helpful to have feedback I know. But it is too confusing for you to go back and forth about whether or not crying is acceptable or not. It is always acceptable if you are feeling it. But what your therapist might have been trying to do is help you calm down. She might have thought that is what you wanted from her. It probably is just a confusion about what you needed at the time. When she calls back you can clarify it.
Seeing everything in black and white and insisting on proof does not allow you to accept anyone's view or attempts to get close to you or help you. It only lets you see things from a certain point of view. And it puts people and their actions in certain categories, which limits you and your interaction with them. Yes, you are hurting yourself with this view. That is why I showed you the comments you made a few posts ago. Your black and white views are causing you to hurt yourself by blaming yourself and putting yourself down when you don't catch the lies and deceit from others.
Oh yeah - maybe she was just trying to calm me down. Because I wasn't calm at all. And I told her I needed to get it together because I have telephone conferences this afternoon, and that I can't be crying at work. Also, i told her I wanted her to make it better, which wasn't fair. So THAT makes sense. Thanks.
Also, I kind of sprung it on her, calling her almost crying, then crying, and she didn't have time to process what I was saying and I told her I was panicking. So now I don't feel so bad.
I understand and appreciate what you are saying about feeling the feelings. I think you were right before, though, that I don't have a frame of reference. I don't know if it is okay. And, honestly, I worry I am abnormal or going crazy. In my experience, being overly emotional is bad, and I am afraid I will cross that line, or that I am already there -- considering I'm upset about something that happened that long ago. I want to behave correctly, and I don't know what that is, and I'm looking for someone to tell me. I want to know that I'm okay and what I am doing/feeling is okay.
Thank you for explaining how my views are harming me. I guess it makes sense. But I have to think about it to totally figure it out. Honestly, just the thought of letting the control (or illusion of control, I guess, from what you are saying) go is really scary.
You're welcome, anytime.
No you don't have a frame of reference for your feelings. It is one of the things your parents did not allow you to develop as a child so you grew up not knowing what was normal or abnormal to feel. One of the important things children learn as they develop is emotional health. And when you force a child to repress feelings, they do not know how to handle them when they grow up and they start feeling them. They are no longer told they cannot express their feelings and suddenly they are trying to deal with them. Emotions will come out no matter how much you try to ignore them. They may not be recognizable when they do come out, but they will come out one way or another. And that is what happened to you with your nightmares. Your feelings from the attack came out through your dreams. You may have been able to repress them for a number of years through controlling your feelings but eventually they emerged.
You are not crazy. I have worked with people that could be considered crazy and I know the symptoms of "crazy" and you do not have them. You may feel crazy because you are just starting to recognize your feelings. They are coming out and you have no experience with them so they feel confusing and jumbled up. The job of your therapist and psychiatrist is to help you sort through them and find your way until you feel better.
Being overly emotional is not bad. It can be a personality trait (people that cry at everything from weddings to commercials) or it can be a result of problems or trauma in someone's life. You will find that there are times in your life that you cry a lot, and times you cry for no reason. Then there will be times you don't cry at all. It's just a matter of you finding that balance. That is what therapy will help you do.
You are doing just fine the way you are. There is no right or wrong when working through a trauma. You may feel fine one minute and being crying or angry the next. It is just the way your emotions work. There is no correct way to do this. The only correct way is the way you do it. As long as you are expressing yourself and working through your feelings, you are doing well. Letting go can seem scary, but you will find that you gain control as you let go of your control. It seems illogical, but it is true.