Hi Kate. I didn't realize it bothers the moderators to continue a thread that long. Oops. It's just a lot easier sometimes so I can scroll up and refer to what you said in your last post, so I can know to what I am responding, and it's especially easier when I am writing the posts on my phone.
It was interesting working on the death row appeals. And I enjoyed going to death row. They are regular people, and they need help. They are calm, polite, and very appreciative. Most of them were on drugs at the time they committed the alleged murder(s). Off of drugs, they are remorseful and nice. I only worked there for a semester in law school, as an extern, and when summer started I went to work for that state attorney general's office, in the civik right section. (our neighbor and good family friend, who is the mother of one of my best friends growing up, was lieutenant governor at the time, so I got all sorts of cool state government jobs). Anyway, I spent most of my time working on one guy's appeal, He had allegedly killed his gf while he was hopped up on i forget what drug. They got in a fight by a river in another big town, and something transpired, and he ended up hitting her over the head with a tire iron a number of times, killing her. Then, when he went to leave, his car was stuck in the mud and he couldn't move it. Unfortunately, when he was trying to get out of the mud, he caught part of her head and her hair under a tire and it was a mess. He then put her body in the river, and weighed her down with rocks, but the rocks only weighed 40 lbs total, and he apparently didn't realize there was a dam upriver a little. So, when the dam was closed, and because he only put 40 lbs of rocks on her, her body was floating in shallow water, barely below the surface, with her arms and legs floating on top of the surface, Not too bright. But he shouldnot have been sentenced to death, In that and most states, the death penalty is only available with a murder, and only when there are other mitigating factors, such as a double murder, murder of a law enforcement officer, murder in the commission of another felony, lying in wait, torture, etc. The jury had sentenced him to death claiming that he stole and used her ATM card, but he used it all the time, and his paychecks were deposited into her account. But, that's what they found, so.... none of the appeals worked. He was put to death in November, 2010. Sad. I'm still bummed about it. I don't think there should be any death penalty. I do realize what the Bible says, but I am unmoved by such scriptures unless someone can prove to me that those handing out and carrying out every single death sentence are strong Christians who can discern the will of God. I just think it's wrong and I don't think it's our place, as a society, to kill people. Plus -- it is so misapplied -- primarily against minorities and almost always against those who had public defenders and could not afford private defense counsel. Okay .... off my soap box! (btw - if I did not have to be concerned about making a living, my dream job would be doing pro bono death penatly appeals or to volunteer for the innocence project, getting innocent people out of prison - well, or, I really want to be a bankruptcy judge).
But the REALLY good stories come form my federal criminal defense work. I went through a trial which was so hilarious I could hardly keep a straight face, which is too bad because our client was facing decades in jail, and his codefendant was facing over 100 years. I'll tell you the story sometime. I really wish I had a transcript of that trial, for laughs.
I understand what you are saying again about the whole self-esteem thing. You are saying it's not black and white in counseling, and that you are not supposed to judge; you are supposed to make me feel better. But that's hard for me to accept because I AM very black and white and expect black and white. Also, is it so jugmental if I asked your opinion? I want the truth and there is generally only one truth. There are not varying truths for different people. So -- is it wrong for you, who is an expert in these matters to tell me the truth? It's like when I went to talk to Dr. M. because I thought she'd be more likely to give me the un-sugar-coated truth about by culpability in what happened, and asked L. over and over and made her prmise and swear to tell the truth about it, because she has admitted that she won't tell a client something that would hurt him/her. So - it comes down to the same thing. If I want to get the truth out of all this, and not just try to create a feel-good story, then I need to know that those who are helping me are being objectively honest. Can't you ever just give you opinion? Is that so wrong? And if not, how can I believe that other things you said, like that you don't feel disappointed about or cringe when you read about what I said and did?
Does that make sense?
The transference thing makes more sense now. Thanks for the further explanation. So I guess it was transference at work when I made L. promise several times that she was not lying about her thoughts about whether I was bad in what I did and said, and that I have told her, when I was crying, that I really didn't want to do those things, and ask if she believes me? And my need to know what you or L. or Dr. M. REALLY think?
So you're just a little older than me? That is good, I think.
Have you worked a lot, in face to face couseling, with people who have gone through the same things as me? Have any taken so long to get past it? (but not including child sexual abuse or longterm abuse. I'm talking about a one time incident). I'm just wondering.
Do you have any idea how long I am going to be in this really-intense-feelings state? Even a range? Any idea? Like days, weeks, MONTHS?
okay, well, it's midnight and way past my bedtime. I need to try to go to bed. Wish me luck!!
Hope you slept well!