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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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My husband left me just over 6 months ago. Initially, he moved

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My husband left me just over 6 months ago. Initially, he moved out and told me to forget him. Obviously, there was another younger woman involved. During this time I was extremely upset, sought therapy and did my best to try and accept this and move on. He's now in his own place but will not allow her to move in with him. For the past 2 months, he's been telling me he has made a huge mistake, cries constantly (still) but then within a few days he thinks he may love her and we are back to square one. And now I have cut contact with him because I feel like he is emotionally dependant on me but carrying on a physical relationship with this girl, and I just don't feel like I deserve anything but 100% of a mans attention. Now, He texts me saying how much he loves me, how he knows I am the only woman he wants to be the mother of his children and the grass is not greener but he just needs time to end it with this girl. what is he doing?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 5 years ago.

Brad :

Thank you for your question. It is difficult to see what your ex-husband's intentions are because you cannot assume what he is thinking unless he tells you what he is thinking. As you said, he may be emotionally dependent to you. Does he have any unresolved relationships in the past? What is his relationship with his parents like? After your response, I will be able to give you some suggestions.

Customer:

Hi! Ironically, my husbands name is XXXXX XXXXX Well he sends me text messages stating that I am the only woman he wants to be the mother of his children, and in fact the girl who he is with (she is 26 he will be 34 this year) fell pregnant deliberately but agreed to terminate the pregnancy. It's all a very horrible situation. He cries when he is alone and says he gave up the best wife and the best life. His mother is unusually attached to her son and he rarely has to take responsibilities for his actions and his father, I feel, may have commited adultery in the past but they do not discuss things very openly. I feel as though he had no problem leaving our marriage, but for some reason does not want to disappoint the girl. My reasoning is he 1. Doesnt WANT to end it with her yet and 2. Fears that, as a real estate agent in the area and well know and her the local hair dresser, everyone knows what he has done and he could lose face and there may be repercussions?

Customer:

He has asked me not to divorce him and not to change my surname as well.

Brad :

What do you want to do? Do you want to remain married to him and see if things can work out? Or do you feel the marriage is over?

Brad :

I'm having some technical difficulties so please continue to respond as i will be online

Customer:

I know it sounds cliche, but we really were best friends and we feel, soul mates. I accept my role in the break up (I gained weight and stopped looking after myself) and he started using anabolic steroids and went through some mini midlife crisis lol. But we always laugh together. I loved our relationship most of the time, until he became snappy and distant. So I feel like I miss that and would love to work on us again, but at the same time, after 6 months I'm not IN LOVE with him anymore. I wish he'd show more strength and determination to fight for us.

Brad :

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Brad :

By the way, your reasoning on the role of your break up is not logical...just because you gain some weight should not end a marriage.

Customer:

Initially, we saw the same counselor, but separately. He didn't want to go together, because I didn't know about the affair. But we agreed that if we do try and work this out, we will go to counselling, he has to end it with her first. Sorry, it wasn't just the weight gain, I know love should be unconditional, I'm saying we forgot eachother is all.

Brad :

I understand...you and your ex grew apart... would you consider going to marriage therapy even if he is still with the other female? The reason behind this is that the goal for marriage therapy would be to determine if you should remain in the marriage or not.

Brad :

Through therapy, you can bring up the fact that you will not consider reconciling until he end his relationship with the other female.

Customer:

I would. I wonder if he would? I haven't spoken to him in 2 weeks as I told him we haven't had a real breakup, and I needed distance. But he sent me a long heartfelt text and a valentines present, but he is with HER on the day, so the actions don't match the words. I haven't replied. I don't think we are the same people anymore. In his text he's asking for time to get out of this smoothly with her.

Brad :

He is putting you in a tough situation...based on your description, he is showing some narcissistic traits. I'm sure he means everything he has told you but his actions are saying something else. At this point, you have three options. 1) you can call out his behaviors as you have described to this post, or 2) you can ignore everything he is doing for you to do some soul searching of what YOU want to do with your marriage, or 3) ask him if he is willing to go to marriage counseling.

Customer:

Lol thats what I call him! He's definately a narcissist. I've done 1 and 2 and am att he point where I think, wow do I really want him back? Was I truly happy? He's an incredibly selfish guy and thats something I cam to terms with years ago, but I dont feel like should have had to! And these past weeks I have thought alot and prepared my home for sale, so I guess the next thing is to ask him if he will go to marriage counseling, then I'll know I gave it my all.

Customer:

I do love him, but I wonder if he knows what unconditional love is and I feel like maybe it was the adjustment that was so painful, that it's the life I miss, not the man.

Customer:

hello?

Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 5 years ago.
I apologize for the technical glitches I am experiencing. I switch to the Q&A format so that I can reply to you more efficiently.

Yes, it seems as though you may be more "in love" with the idea of him being your husband, versus being in love with your husband. I understand how difficult divorce can be on a person, with all the practical and emotional aspects that are involved. However, you seem to be very insightful of your emotions as well as what you want in life. I hope you see that you do not need to settle with your ex if you were truly unhappy in your marriage.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 5 years ago.
I apologize for the technical glitches that is occurring on my end. Please get out of the chat format if you can and press the refresh button to see my response.
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