Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question and the situation you're describing. Do you have few moments now?
I just got the notification of your return to the chat screen. Let me leave a few clarifying questions for you to answer:
What would your wife say are the top 1-3 relationship needs (specific things she needs from you right now) that she's not having fulfilled or met in the relationship right now? What does she need most that she's not getting?
How would your wife rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10?
How would you rate your marriage on a scale of 1-10?
1 being not very good and 10 being a very strong, healthy and satisfying marriage.
When your wife says it's better for your kids not being around tension or conflict, what does she mean very specifically?
Has your wife been formally diagnosed with depression? If so, and if it's ok to ask, what is her formal diagnosis?
Finally, I'm not completely sure of your question. You've stated points about the situation or problem but not a clear single question for me to answer. What specific question would you like an answer to today?
I will check back shortly for your answers. I may have other questions depending on your responses. Once I'm clear on a few points, I'll provide you with a detailed and hopefully, a helpful answer.
I see you're typing so I'll wait for your next response. Thanks for the info so far.
To start off with, I have to say that I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's horrible when a family is on the verge of a potential break up. A strong healthy marriage is so protective for kids emotionally and developmentally in so many ways. It also has incredible benefits for husband and wife.....
Given the clinical complexity you suggest related to depression, I think that 7-10 sessions of evidence-based couples counseling would be incredibly helpful....
I'm thinking specifically of EFT marital therapy because of it's demonstrated secondary effects on depression as well.
At the very least, you might want to read the book "Hold me Tight" with your wife to get an "emotionally focused" thinking and problem solving process going with her....
Let me get you some links that explain what EFT is. I'm not an EFT therapist but I have always referred couples with more complex case presentations and it has never failed. I've also attended with my own wife during a time of great stress and it was really helpful.
EFT is currently the best science proven marital therapy in the world: http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79
Let me get you a video, that outlines the book I recommend, written by the therapy's main founder and researcher:
I guess what I'm trying to say is kind of what you said when you were responding to my questions earlier: "acknowledgement of her grievances" ....
EFT really gets to the heart of the matter by teaching a couple to really hear the deep emotional needs in a special way. As I alluded to earlier, this approach actually helped a large sample of couples who had one clinically depressed partner. After therapy, the depression disappeared in most cases, by "fixing the marriage" emotionally with no special treatment of the depression. What are your thoughts?
I have to be honest here, we as experts at justanswer can't provide anything like a formal assessment of customers or customer family members; and really answering that part of your question would require in person familiarity with your situation and perhaps detailed clinical interviewing with your wife. What I can do is tell you about what works best in general terms...
It may be very helpful to get a structured "emotionally focused conversation" going with your wife. For example, reading the book together (reading each other a chapter each night over a couple of weeks -given your work schedule) on specially planned "date nights" may really give you both a different perspective. The book provides easy to read and highly thought provoking questions at the end of each chapter....
It may also be helpful to share the video I sent you and the other information so that you're wife can see that it's really an evidence-based treatment not just couple's counseling as usual. And, that's its really helped in many cases where one person had depression. EFT is also usually very effective with results lasting years (based on follow up studies). It may help her to know that it's a potentially high value but short term time and therapy commitment, not potentially endless like some other forms of therapy..... I'll wait for your response.
I'm glad to have helped out....
Have I answered your question ok today?
Great. Please don't forget to press the green "Accept" button so I am paid for my time working with you today...
I wish you and your family the very best. Take care!