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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 10 months. I

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 10 months. I love him with all my heart. He is a wonderful guy and I know he loves me. Everything in our relationship is quite perfect except for the sex part. We used to initially have sex quite often(4-5x/per week) it then went down to 2x a week, then once a week or once every ten days. I checked his internet history and saw that everyday after or before work he would visit porn sites, even on some days when he knows I am coming over to spend time with him. I have confronted to him about our sex life before in a calm manner, but it he says he will work on it but nothing changes. I personally mind that he doesnt watch porn, but if it affects our sex life I do. Whenever I initiate or ask for sex I get a "im not in the mood" or "im tired response" even after getting flirty via text, it doesnt work. He initiates sex somtimes, but only if it has been a week or more. He says he is attracted to me and that I am sexy, but it is def. taking a tole on my self esteem. Ive started questioning my looks and becoming even more obesessive with what I eat and working out extra hard to look good for him. He is a general manager for a fast food restaurant and works 40hrs a week +/- he is a hard working man and deserves his time to relax but still doesnt manage to atleast plug in some time to make love to me. He has been working the same ever since I met him, so his work pattern hasnt changed. I feel as if he might have an addiction to porn. Whenever I come over to his house, i see a "crusty towel" in his bedroom. I do not understand why he doesnt put forth a harder effort in having sex with me, despite his schedule. Everyone juggles alot in life but i wish our sex life was higher priority. Even when he plays with me or "initiates" i get excited then he says that he was just teasing me and that he really isnt in the mood, its confusing.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

You are 23 and are quite smart intellectually, but I'm afraid you are also viewing this situation from a much more emotional perspective than a wise, rational perspective. I think your emotional trains of thought try to reassure you that whatever is going on can be resolved or might get better on its own over time; you rehearse his reassuring WORDS that he loves you and finds you sexy.

HOWEVER, your wise rational mind believes that he has a pornography PROBLEM; it is starting to tell you the cold hard, literal fact that he prefers masturbating to porn videos and pictures much more than he likes having sex with you. It also says that his porn viewing is literally stealing intimacy away from your relationship. He is vicariously having sex with the women in the porn videos i.e., his imagery, imagination is much more focused on the fantasies of having sex with them than with you. So your wise rational mind should be telling you that this is a form of emotional 'cheating' or an emotional affair, because he is preferring to spend his time in imagined sexual involvement with these other women in the videos. This is what this all 'literally' means. Your wise rational mind is also telling you something important: HIS WORDS MEAN NOTHING< HIS ACTIONS MEAN EVERYTHING. So what should you believe? You are smart if you believe his actions communicate, and you literally ignore his reassurances, his words, etc.

So these are the facts of the situation. You need to decide if you want to take some ACTION on your own, rather than talk to him, try to extract more promises, reassurances etc., ('words') etc. You are only 23 and there are almost surely dozens of guys who would climb mountains to have an exclusive relationship with YOU, and would prefer YOU over having vicarious sex with female porn stars. Your emotional mind and trains of thought don't want to face this fact, but your wise rational mind probably says it is time to give your boyfriend an ultimatum---eliminate the porn, get into couples counseling with me to build our relationship; " yes dear, you are tired and stressed from your job but you THEN cope with your stress and unwind by having these emotional affairs with women in porn videos, rather than spend time with me; this is what you prefer. I don't want to hear reassuring words or promises but I do need to see permanent behavior changes or I want out of this relationship. I didn't sign on to compete with porn videos when I made up my mind to be true and faithful in a relationship with you. If I had known you really preferred spending your time with porn than intimate time with me when I met you, I would have 'walked'."

This is quite a common problem with many guys but frankly, women cannot solve it or fix it or change their behavior to get the guy to change. This really is a significant problem and it is HIS problem.

What do you think?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much for this reply it is very helpful. I hope this works, I love him with all my heart and am so very much loyal to him. He is very attractive to my eyes and ive never had so much passion for a guy as much as I do with him. I hope we can overcome this barrier in our relationship and I will give him this ultimatem. Should i confront him that i checked his internet history>?
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
You don't need to confront him. YOU KNOW what he is doing. If he tries to deny the facts, this is a clear sign that he doesn't respect you enough to admit the truth, to be honest with you. I would NOT tell him how you know, but simply say, "This is what I know with fully certainty to be true", but not explain or justify how you know. HIs response will tell you a lot about his character and what kind of man he is.

let me know if i can be of further help.. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Do you think he could also be lazy to have sex with me, he always seems lazy to do normal acitivities in his life, its frustrating. He doesnt keep up with his health anymore and has been eating junk food. He is a very hard worker(40-50hrs a week) but when he gets home he is too lazy for anything.
Expert:  Dr. Michael replied 2 years ago.
I don't know but if this is his elected lifestyle now, chances are it will get 'much worse' in a year or two. I work 60-70 hours per week, am probably older than him, and try to not eat junk food, exercise, suffer from sleep deprivation etc., but don't have the problems he has. So this could be his personality, laziness 'temperament' or disposition. I think my point in the above posts was that if he can find the time and energy to watch porn and engage in masturbation activities, why can't he simply shift this time and energy over to YOU---to make love to YOU?

let me know if i can be of further help.. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen.
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience: Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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Dr. Michael
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Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.