Oh -- I know the scale is for how I feel right then -- but what I don't know and we always have to discuss is whether 10 is, for instance, the angriest I have ever felt, or if 10 would represent the angriest I COULD ever feel. Does that make more sense? Like, if we were talking about pain, and I have a terrible migraine, the doctor might ask me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10. It may hurt worse than it has ever hurt before, but I still would hesitate to give it more that a 6, because I can imagine it could hurt a lot worse. And as far as pain goes, it's hard, because it could be the worst my head has ever hurt, but being stabbed in the eye would hurt so much worse. So, if I am feeling angry or sad or uncomfortable or whatever and L. asks me to rate it, if the feeling seems really strong, I give it a six, nonexistant a zero, and a little, a 2. I never go above a six, because things can ALWAYS be worse than they are.
About the crying ..... my parents have told me that when I was a baby, I could not stand to be away from them, and I would just cry and cry. They said it was ridiculous. My mom said she would take me over to friends' houses, and they would put me upstairs and go outside, thinking that if I got used to it, I would stop. But apparently, I would scream and cry for hours when they did this. Of course, I don't remember any of that. When we were little and got in trouble and got spanked, it pleased my mom if we were brave and didn't cry.
I have a sister who is about 18 months older than me (but 2 years in school) and a brother 3 years younger than me. My sister and I did NOT get along growing up. Probablly in late elementary school, my sister took to teasing me mercilessly, and she and my brother would gang up on me (it wasn't that my brother and I didn't get along particularly or that he was a bad kid -- he just didn't want to be on the receiving end of my sister's wrath, too). They knew how to hurt me without leaving marks, and knew what my buttons were to push, and I would get really upset (my parents would characterize it as hysterical), which would only make it more fun for them and egg them on. When my parents would get home, or if they were home, they always sent me to my room "to calm down." I realize that they just didn't want to deal with me being upset, but at the time, it seemed like I was getting punished for what they had done to me. And every time I cried, I had to go to my room until I stopped crying, so it didn't take too long to figure out it was easier just not to cry. When someone would die, and my sister would cry (she always got more upset at that kind of thing), my mom would tell her she's being selfish. Since it was only her grandma, and not her mother or wife, or only a friend, but not her best friend or child, my mom's opinion is that she didn't have the right to be upset about it. She would act like it was her trying to get attention, when in reality, she was just really sad.
When we got hurt, they would tell us to stop crying, and that it didn'r really hurt.
So I'm sure I have issues because of that. But I seem to cry at other times, when it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I was telling L. on Monday that I had a terrible case -- 3 weeks into opening my firm. It was an emergency reorganization, and it turned out to be a huge deal in the state. Everyone hated my client, other attorneys were critiquing averything I did, on the news or in the newspaper, and the media was calling every day. There were death threats against my client .... It was awful, in addition to the fact that the case instantly exploded and there was no way I could handle everything in the case for too long. I would work from about 6:00 a.m. till 9:00 pm, go home, cry until I fell asleep, then do the same thing the next day. It lasted for about 2 months. I remember thinking that no other attorney I know would have been crying every day. However, I know that other attorneys would have killed to get the case, but it's just not "me." I also cry in sad movies.
So .... who knows??
As to control --- it means to me that I can dictate the process and result of whatever it may be. That I can predict, even with not complete certainty, then at least predict the possible results. That I can choose how to act or what is going to happen.
I feel like I have all these feelings I've either never felt before or not in this intensity, and I feel like I cannot control them and will them away. Since I cannot control the build-up, I doubt I can control the release, and I feel like there will be a flood I can't stop (while, as I said, recognizing [at least Monday night] that releaseing some of it would have made me feel better).
About 7 years ago, one of our legal assistants, and a really good friend of mine, died in a drunk driving accident. She had just truned 22 a few days before. She had gone home to another state to celebrate her birthday, and died a few days before she returned. I was so shocked and really upset. I know I cried some at first, once I figured out that her sister was not playing a joke on me. But not as much as everyone else, it seemed. Then we went to her hometown for the funeral, and I went to look at her body, because I needed to see it was really her. As soon as I did, I started shaking uncontrollably. Every time I would try to speak, had to stop, because I would just cry and couldn't talk. It was horrible. I felt that if I opened my mouth or tried to speak, all my tears would gush out. After that, her parents and siblings would call me quite a bit and come to town to visit -- I guess to feel like they were making some kind of connection with her. The fact that I was able, after a few days, to talk to them without falling apart, I think was helpful to them, although it just killed me.
So, not sure what that means. ?????