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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Should In ask my mother to move out before getting married

Resolved Question:

Should In ask my mother to move out before getting married
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Before I can answer, I need to clarify your question.

 

How does your husband feel about your mother being in the home?

 

Is your mother ill?

 

Does your mother have a place to move to if she does move out?

 

Thank you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We are not married as of yet. He thinks it is a help to have her there but when she complains about us playing music and other small things. My mother is far from ill she is 62 . At this moment she does not have a place to stay. I do have two siblings which she has lived with one and not the other.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for the information. It helps.

 

Living with your mother in the home may cause issues in your marriage if the boundaries are not clear. When you marry, you are to leave your parents behind (in a physical and emotional way, not a loving way) and put your spouse first. When you have your parent in the home with you however, this is where the boundaries can get crossed. Your mother is used to having you to herself. She raised you and cared for you and now depends on you for her home. So she has a set boundary with you.

 

When you marry, however, your husband will replace her as the most important person in your life. If your mother is not prepared for moving aside or does not want to, she can become upset and create issues in your marriage. She may feel competitive with your husband for your attention and either consciously or unconsciously sabotage your relationship.

 

But if your mother is prepared for the change, it may go more smoothly. She needs to be willing to give you both your space and be ready to live more independently, creating her own social supports and keeping herself busy while not expecting the two of you to entertain her.

 

Overall, it is better psychologically for your marriage if your mother does move out. Even if she is cooperative, just her presence alone can create a boundary between you and your husband that does not allow for spontaneous closeness, comfort with sexual expression or just the privacy couples need to work out their issues and become closer with each other. But if you feel you cannot ask her to leave yet, work with her to make plans for her to move out. Or create a separate living area for her. That way, you and your soon to be husband can develop the marriage without worrying about your mother being there.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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