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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5575
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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..... I cant stop Loving her........... we have been together for three now and i cant s

Customer Question

..... I cant stop Loving her...........
we have been together for three now and i cant say it has been easy because there have been many bumps in the road. But it was love at first sight, i know. ok. but it was. we rushed in to things way to fast and have broken up a few times and even dated other people (note we are not married but i want to marry her) (also note i am an engineer not English teacher- don't grade) and are miserable without each other and now added ontop of all of the things we faught about before we worry about the people we went out with.... i know, how did we get here... we both willing went to see a counselor and not even hearing are problems but just our chilhoods in an hour she said we cant make this work.... but we cant stay away from each other.. we have both been married before and finalizing our divorces when we met, neither really loved the person we were married to and now its like being with her is the meaning of life!!! Please Help Us!!!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Before I answer, I wanted to clarify your question.

 

What do you feel is the main reason the two of you keep breaking up?

 

Thank you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just my side of the story. She has lots of abandonment issues that makes her scared, a little controlling and grab on tight ..
I have a fear of being with someone who doesn't love me but is with me because I am a good guy with a buisness and goals in life( big fear) also just understanding I push down all my stress and anger until it comes out badly never phisicly abusive but very angry and I have trained myself to leave before that happens.
Then she feels abandoned and won't let me leave and it keeps building until I have to breakup with her.
We both have jeliousy issues also and I have made mistakes in that area that she can't forgive.( when we broke up to keep from going back to her I dated somone else for a few weeks. Biggest mistake I ever made, I don't want to forget about Laura and sure if I can't make it work, will haunt me as the biggest mistake of my life.
Neither of us has had a healthy relationship or raised by one. I think we just don't know how to have one but that is what we want together, we just don't know how...
Along with your answers please recommend a couple books.
Tim loves Laura
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

 

It sounds like the two of you have brought in your own personal issues into the relationship. This creates a crossing of boundaries since your issues then become part of the relationship and become the other person's problem. They also prevent the formation of healthy behaviors between the two of you so you continually hurt each other and have to break up instead of coming together to form a stronger bond.


What you both need to do is identify your own issues and take responsibility for them so you can resolve them. That is the best way to repair the relationship so you can come together in a healthier way.

 

Your girlfriend's issue seems to be a fear of abandonment. This creates a boundary issue for you since you then become the object of her fear. In order to cope with how she feels and be able to approach your relationship in a healthy way, your girlfriend needs to take responsibility for resolving this problem. The best way to do this is through individual therapy and self help. To find a therapist that can help her, she can contact her doctor for referral. Or she can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

She can also learn more about abandonment through self help. Here are some resources to help her:

 

http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-abandonment.html

 

Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment and Fear by Claudia Black

 

Thank You For Loving Me!: The Psychology Of Abandonment, Healing, And Loving by J. Ray Rice

 

As for your own issues, you may want to take a look at your fear of not being loved, anger issues and jealousy. All of these issues can be addressed either through therapy (the best option) and self help. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/debunking-myths-the-mind/201007/afraid-love-7-fears-and-ways-overcome-them

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201110/what-jealousy-teaches-us

 

http://www.apa.org/topics/anger/control.aspx

 

It is very obvious that the two of you love each other. And the motivation to repair your relationship is there. As long as you both care about one another and want to be together, you will be able to repair what is wrong and stay together.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5575
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome! My best to both of you.

 

Kate

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
3898 Satisfied Customers
Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.