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Ask David Akiva Your Own Question

David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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My husband and I are separated because of a no contact order.

Resolved Question:

My husband and I are separated because of a no contact order. I am sick about it. We have a seven week old baby. He lost his temper and as a result is paying the price. I too have some issues to work on. It seems like I pick fights. It seems like I back him into a corner and when I push far enough, he gets mad. I don't condone his actions for throwing things in our place, but it seems we are the same type of person. What can I do during the time off from him
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question and the situation you are describing.

DuddyH :

You show on the screen as "standing by" but you haven't responded for a while. I'll check back shortly for your response.

Customer:

hi I'm here.

DuddyH :

Thanks I just got the message you had returned. ....

Customer:

My husband and I seem too alike. We are both volatile in our own way and now have a baby. My family is of course on my side, and his family is on his side. We want our marriage to work, but it just seems like we bring out the worst in each other. We now have a no contact order for the both of us. And a 7 week old baby. We know we love each other, but I don't know wether to get a divorce or not.

DuddyH :

I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. To best answer your question, I'd like to get a better sense of your situation....

Customer:

What do you need to know.

DuddyH :

If you were granted a "miracle" right now and your marriage could be saved and transformed into a really healthy relationship, what would it look and feel like?

Customer:

I would not always prove a point or have to be right. I would let things go that my husband says. I would try to hope for peace and I know that he would bring me peace also.

DuddyH :

What are the top 1 or 2 behaviors he would have to change in order to do that? I'm looking for specific "play by play" examples if that's ok.

Customer:

He needs to allow more time in his responses. I get frustrated when he responds so fast and is flippant in his response. He would respond respectfully, XXXXX XXXXX me time to actually digest what he said.

DuddyH :

Would you mind giving a recent, typical example of this kind of exchange? Again, play by play?

Customer:

THe night the police came, I asked him to turn the TV down. He said, "It's not that loud...It's not that loud." He had a few beers in him and gets a little louder when he has beers. We had a newborn baby sleeping in the other room, and I wish he would have said, "Yes dear." I didn't think my request was that bad. I then said, "you are out of control." He said, "I am not out of control. Out of control would be this" THen he yelled loudly to give me an example. I went in the other room and when he came in there I picked a fight with him. I said, "I suppose you're going to go out now." He said, "As a matter of fact I am." He left and came back and said, "I'm better than you." I left and came back and then we got into an ugly fight. Who's right and who's wrong. i have no idea....He admits he overreacted,

Customer:

Now we are separated. My brother doesn't want the baby to ever see him again. My parents don't want him in the house. What they don't realize is that I also get angry. We seem like two angry people.

DuddyH :

Strong detailed example. I see your typing I'll wait to continue reading. Hope you share about the fight in more detail leading to the no contact order, for clarity sake.

Customer:

The contact order will be lifted on March 2....Anyway, I came back and he was asleep. I went in to fight with him. He said he just wanted to go to sleep. I was belittling him. He got up and threw some furniture (I've thrown stuff before too) and my mother in law who was staying called the police. They police asked me if they wanted to arrest him. I said,' Yes." He went to jail....this is just a huge mess....over turning the tv down.

Customer:

did you receive my answer

DuddyH :

Are you still there?

Customer:

yes

DuddyH :

seems to have been a system posting error - I asked if there was any partner violence in your relationship? and that question re-posted several lines up on my screen. Do you see that question previously posted?

Customer:

no I don

DuddyH :

sorry on behalf of JustAnswer for that. There's been a few tech problems recently.

Customer:

don't...There was no partner violence...we just both liked to throw things..

DuddyH :

and they put him in jail? For how long?

Customer:

He was in jail because the police have been called before. He gets verbal, then I get verbal and then we both start verbally fighting. He was in jail overnight and his sister bailed him out.

DuddyH :

Do you love him?

DuddyH :

Also, is that you like to throw things or that you can't control your anger?

Customer:

He's out now, but the judge split us apart until March2, when the next court date is...I violated the no contact order and called him...I turned myslef in and told my advocate I did that. I can no longer call him until the court date. I love him but I also can't control my anger. I deal with it differently. I do the silent treatment, then sometimes call him names...and a couple of occasions I threw stuff...Are we totally crazy....My husband asked me if we can really live together. We didn't start out like this...

DuddyH :

Do you both want to save your marriage if it could work between you? Do you both love each other?

Customer:

yes, yes yes

Customer:

he says he wants this marriage so bad....I hang on to words he's said....He hangs on to the actions I've taken (like calling the police)...We somehow have to find a way to start over and we can't even talk, because now the court is involved.

DuddyH :

Well I think you guys have a very strong chance of saving and positively transforming your relationship but from what you've said, it may take specialized counseling. Are you prepared to attend counseling with him for not only your sake's but for your child's?

Customer:

yes what kind of specialized counseling do you think we need?

DuddyH :

Well, we're not permitted on justanswer to provide any kind of formal assessment but I think you that a couple in the situation like you are describing have 2 basic options....

DuddyH :

but I should ask you, is there a drug or alcohol problem in your marriage?

Customer:

I wouldn't say so...My husband...it's hard to explain...He likes to drink socially around sporting events on tv with friends. He gets loud...Sunday football nights are big...It's intimidating to me to watch him get so loud with sports....He also likes to go to rock concerts and gets loud with those too...kinda like alcohol fuels his loudness and responses.

Customer:

The rest of the week is so quiet...I love it...Our biggest concerns are around these events.

Customer:

did you receive my response

Customer:

no...

DuddyH :

yes I did...

Customer:

ok

DuddyH :

Sounds to me like you may both be great candidates for either of the 2 best forms of marital therapy in the world. I some times recommend that couples fix their relationships on their own, but given the seriousness of the situation I think counseling would be safer and better....

DuddyH :

I would recommend either EFT for couples or Behavioral Couples Counseling. Let me get you some links....

Customer:

what are those 2 forms again

Customer:

oh ok...thanks!

Customer:

also, i have another questions. My brother is involved now. He makes alot of money and knows every lawyer in town...Because I'm his sister, he doesn't want my husband around our daughter. He can't make that call, can he? We are the legal guardians...How do I prove to our families we can handle this marriage and our chidl together before we reunite.

DuddyH :

This is behavioral couples therapy: http://www.psychosocial.com/addiction/bct.html

DuddyH :

I think if you get the right kind of couple's therapy you could ask the therapist for a formal statement of assessment of your marriage and it's safety for your daughter.

DuddyH :

These are the best forms of therapy in the world right now.

Customer:

YOu know...you've been helpful...I could start working on that now, before we reunite.

Customer:

I could get the wheel in motion, so to speak.

DuddyH :

Have I answered your question ok today?

Customer:

yes...thanks!

DuddyH :

You are very welcome. I wish you and your family the very best.

DuddyH :

Please don't forget to press the green "accept" button.

DuddyH :

Hi there, I noticed you didn't formally accept my answer by pressing the green "Accept Button" is there something that I missed or that you feel I've left out?

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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