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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I met a guy about a year ago. he was in a relationship at

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I met a guy about a year ago. he was in a relationship at the time (one year relationship) but ended the relationship and started talking to me. His ex was the possessive and jealous type which hasnt been able to let go of him although he endeda the relationship twice in a year. We became great friends and we had a romantic interest between one another. I fell in love with him, he got back with his girlfriend about 3 months after we met, he left his girlfriend again (lasted 2 months) and we met again a few months after that and we reconnected again. he has insecurity issues. One day he says something another day he changes. he makes a decisons and then backs down on it. To make this long story short, this past christmas we were together and for the first time in a year I felt he really loved me. For the first time we expressed our true feeling for each other and it was perfect. Then all of a sudden he decided he needed time alone and he said he took this decision because he felt things were getting too serious between us. he said he wasnt ready for a new relationship because he just recently went on and off with his ex and he hasnt been able to have his own time for himself. This was shock for me and it hurt bad. I thought he was serious about me. He He said he really cared about me but it was something he really needed to do. In the beginning he said he didnt want to lose contact with me but then a few days later he said it was best to have as little communication as possible. that was the other shock. How can someone tell you that you are the most special and important person in their life and all of a sudden decide something like this. I am totally confused. I have to add that he has self esteem issues and at one time felt that someone like me would have never laid eyes on him. He is the type that needs reassurance. And at one time i stopped calling him and he decided to come look for me fearing that he was going to lose me. He told me not to wait for him that if I found someone else to take the opportunity because he didnt know how long this was going to take for him, but the problem is I love him dearly. I know him so well that i know if he feels bad for making the wrong decision , his guilt and confidence is not going to allow him to contact me because he has done it in the past. His sister (my best friend) keeps telling me that he keeps asking her if Ive said anything about him or talked about him and hes doing this everyday because we arent speaking that much lately so I really dont know if its worth the wait or not. i dont want to contact him because i feel that he should be doing that but i am also afraid to let too much time go by withouth doing anything. Please help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend has commitment issues. Anytime someone shows a pattern of coming and going in relationships it shows that they cannot commit and are probably driven by fear of commitment.

 

You mentioned that he feels insecure about himself and thinks that you might not want to stay with him if he commits to you and your relationship. That may be true, but he seems to have felt that way about his previous relationship as well since he was off and on with her too. Either way, it is not a good sign for his ability to stay in a relationship.

 

He may also be fearful of the responsibility. People who fear commitment often really fear the responsibility in a relationship. They don't want to feel obligated to show how they feel and they may not like to feel vulnerable. They also may not like someone else wanting to know where they are or be involved in any way with their decisions. They would rather be on their own and have control rather than share it with someone else.

 

Your boyfriend needs to realize he has a problem in order for him to get help and deal with this issue. Therapy is the best option but if he won't go, he could work on this with you. Talking about why he is afraid to commit and taking small steps towards committing would help him overcome how he feels. Self help is also an option. The more he understands his fear of commitment the better off he will be to address it. Here are some resources to help you both work on this issue:

 

Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love) by XXXXX XXXXX and Julia Sokol

 

When the Man in Your Life Can't Commit: Recognizing the Signs of a Commitment-Phobe and What You Can Do About It by David Hawkins

 

Stop Running from Love: 3 Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing & Fear of Intimacy by Dusty Miller

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I wanted to add that he has been in the middle of two girls, his ex and me. although he broke his relationship with his ex , they do have contact with each other once in a while and this has made me question whether or not his feelings are true or not. He told he would never go back to her but why continue speaking to her. In the beginning i though i was a rebound but after spending time with him i realized that he does care. He confessed to me that i am the only person who has accepted him for who he is and that has love him above anything else. He is a shy , introverted type who doesnt socialize much whereas i am the outgoing, social, extroverted type. He also was confessed that he was afraid that while being with me , i might fall for someone else and leave him. So im guessing that maybe hes afraid i might end up breaking his heart when actually at this moment hes breaking mine by not talking to me. After he made his decision we spent a week and a half without any communication (it is the first time weve been apart for so long). and i decided to call him and asked him if he was happy with how things were. He confessed that he wasnt happy about it but it was what he needed to do. Should I wait to see if he contacts me or should i take the initiative and have a conversation with him? by the way he isnt my boyfriend, we never got to that but it was what i wanted and although i accepted his decision about needing time alone and told him that we could keep in touch once in a while because i didnt want to lose the emotional ties that we have for each other.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

The fact that he is still speaking to his ex, telling you that it is ok to move on "if you find someone" and telling you that he loves you then taking it back are all signs he is not committed to your relationship.

 

You should let him go until he contacts you. At some point he needs to show he is committed to you and since he hasn't even taken the relationship far enough to commit to the first step of being exclusive, then he needs to prove to you he is serious about you. Letting him contact you would show some level of care. In the meanwhile, you might want to consider dating others until he makes up his mind.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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