Thank you Dr. Michael. Your feedback is very helpful. When I said expose him, I meant with the help of my current legal time, what my ex has been trying to cover up for the last 6 years should finally be revealed to the Judge. I agree with you that as long as he fears me I have the upper hand.
I also have observed that as long as he thinks he "won", things move more smoothly. He is very passive aggressive and hurts me, but has to maintain his "great guy" image. Is it best that I continue to be an actress and allow him to maintain his false self?
The fraud he committed against me, is not the first time he has engaged in criminal behavior and would not be the first time he's been punished for a wrong doing. He was in jail for 9 months, prior to our marriage, for selling cocaine to a security guard on his college campus. Of course he did nothing wrong. His parents covered for him which I believe has added to his behavioral disorder. They have never held him accountable and he can do "no wrong". They are covering for him with my situation as well.
I am hopeful that when this case is finally resolved in court that he can somehow convince himself that he did nothing wrong and move on like nothing happened. He is in desperate search of a new wife. I wouldn't wish him on my worse enemy; however, I feel that would take the pressure off my family. Since I remarried, he has been crazier than ever. He cannot stand that I married a successful "real man" that treats my children and I with love and respect. He seems to be in constant competion with me.
Am I fooling myself that when this legal battle is over, that he will want to move on and stop the constant attack on my family?
Thanks so much for your input.
I'm sorry about the emergency, and I hope all is well. I would have been back to you earlier, but I have been dealing with issues with my ex-husband (Story of my Life!).
Yes, you have totally read the situation correctly. Wow, he must be a text book NPD. It's funny, after 6 years I am doing just as you suggested and it's working! I laid out the rules (which are basicly follow the parenting plan and pay the Child Support on time), in return I let him pose as "Super Dad" and Coach baseball for my 9 yr old on my time. It felt wierd because I didn't feel like I should have to make a deal with him to give him extra time with my son as long as he does what he's supposed to as a Parent. Regardless, it seems to work and my son seems content.
Your advice has also helped with my current husband's ex-wife. Why is it that I married a man whose ex-spouse is as crazy as mine? She may be worse, because she's a Lawyer! We definitely have more questions for you regarding that messed up situation.
I would like to accept your answer, and start asking you more questions. I love your advice.
You have helped me tremendously with the issues I have with my ex-husband. I believe you can also help my current husband and me with the issues we have with his ex-wife.
I have been in contact with a Just Answer Family Law expert that has really helped, and has made us aware of how serious the problem is. My husband is in a serious battle over custody of his adopted 12 year old daughter. It has been a nightmare since his ex-wife is an Attorney herself and has been playing such underhanded games to catch my husband off guard. This actually has been going on since 2003, but has heated up with our marriage in 2009.
The "Just Answer" expert just suggested that a psychological evaluation of the ex-wife could be necessary. We agree since she seems to show symptoms of Paranoid schizophrenia. Some background summary:
She cannot handle anyone contradicting her, talking back to her, calling her out, or opposing her in any way. This is why my husband left her after 7 years. He said he was a camelion because he did not want to take her wrath. She controlled every aspect of his life. She had to know where he was at all times. She would not let him socialize with other people. Even though he was a drinker when he met her, she would not let him drink because it was her experience that people fought when they drank alcohol. She is obeise, lazy and wants others to take care of her. She's an Attorney, but works very little. She does not cook for her daughter or herself. She has extremely poor hygeine and wears embarrassing clothing. Her home is not a place that any child should live in. She is always angry, but accuses my husband of being so. From recent discovery, it appears she is a "closet drinker".
A few years before the divorce when my husband confronted her with his unhappiness in the marriage, she insisted on adopting a child. My husband did not want to since he already had 3 children with his previous marriage, and did not think a child would help the marriage. It's my belief that his codependency (his first wife was controlling as well) allowed him to be talked into the adoption. They ended up adopting a bi-racial baby that other couples did not want to adopt. He was the nurturing parent to his daughter until he left the marriage in 2003.
Since my husband just wanted out of the marriage he allowed his ex-wife to execute the Final Judgment since she was a Family Law Attorney and he trusted her to be fair. That was not the case. The Final Judgment was written in such a way that it restricted visitation with his daughter for the last 9 years. My husband was forced to relocate 5 hours away in Florida once he was laid off from his job. He has been employed and has maintained the excellent job ever since. He has been paying an ubsubstantiated amount in child Support for 9 years. When he questioned it, is when "you know what" broke loose.
When my husband and I were married in 2009, it enabled my husband to spend more time with his daughter since my mother happens to live 4 miles from his daughter on the other coast of Florida. Since this has happened, the jealousy and anger from his ex-wife has been unbelievable. My step-daughter is delightful and I love her as my own. I have two boys and she loves her step-brothers. We seem to get along wonderfully as a blended family; however, Mom is doing everything possible to keep her daughter away from us. She is using her as a pawn in the most unbelievable way.
One of the scariest things is that as soon as my husband left the marriage, his ex had his daughter diagnosed with ADHD and has had her drugged with Adderol ever since. That girl is not ADHD, and we are doing everything we can to get a second opinion. It is our opinion that his ex does not want her daughter to talk back to her so she drugs her.
We are at a boiling point, because my Husband filed a Petition to Modify. Since then she has hired three Lawyers to represent her and they have all withdrawn. This is odd in itself since my Husband is Pro-se, and she's a Family Law Attorney herself.
Her behavior is so unstable and frightening. She has no family and very few friends to hold her accountable or help her with seeking help. We are very worried about our daughter and are following the proper steps to gain at least temporary custody. My husband has taken the gloves off and has been fighting with her and her attorneys. He has received nothing but silence in almost a weak. What does that mean? How do we check on his daughter? Call the middle school?
How do we enforce a psycholgical evaluation?
As I have stated in my previous questions to you, I believe my ex-husband has NPD and is psychopathic. I realize this is different than a mental illness such as schizophrenia. My brother took his own life because he suffered severely from Manic Depression. I thank God every day I didn't inherit that gene. I subjected myself to a complete psychiatric evaluation since my ex suggested it, and he paid for it. What a relief, no mental illness, or personality disorder, I was however diagnosed on the far end of the compulsive spectrum. I'm sure you could determine that from my long winded questions to you!
My Husband and I are both recovering codependents from being controlled by our Controlling Ex- Spouses. Every time I say I'm a recovering codependent, people think I'm an alcoholic. I wish there was more public awareness in that regard!
I'm asking you if I'm off base or over reacting. My husband and I are so focused on his daughter and what is best for her. We really are not trying to point fingers or call names. This has taken a toll emotionally on both my husband and I. Any advice in that department?
Thanks so much for your assistance.
I just googled BPD, and believe you are right on. She used sex to controll my husband, and when he left her she used their daughter to control him. I believe she views me as a major threat that is causing her to lose both my husband and her daughter. She does not want to be alone and is very angry.
Since my husband has filed a Petition to Modify Time-Sharing and Child Support, it sounds like (from the Law expert) that he can file a Motion to enforce a psychiatric evaluation. This motion and a contempt motion may be enough for her to give up the fight since she is scared to death of court, and I believe you are correct that the last thing she would want is to be evaluated. My husband's very direct and detailed correspondence with her recently has caused her to shut down. He hasn't heard from her in a week which I believe is helping his case since now she has shut down all communication regarding his daughter.
Since it is clear that my husband most likely won't have to pay any more child support and she has exhausted all leverage regarding visitation of his daughter, we are hoping she no longer has use of his daughter and will give her up.
It does appear she is in a desperate search for a new Man (Mark). Discovery shows her frequenting bars and excessive spending. Her sexual promiscuity also shows signs of NPD. We are hoping she will want his daughter out of the picture so she can obtain her goal without her daughter getting in the way. She obviously has no great love for her, so she may just agree to settle out of Court and give my husband what he wants and that is primary residential custody. If she finds no need for her any more, she may just go away.
I definitely think if my husband reads about BPD, he can use it to his advantage. What do you think?