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Ask David Akiva Your Own Question
David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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I think my husband of 2 years is Asexual. He admitted to me

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I think my husband of 2 years is Asexual. He admitted to me in the past that he just doesn't have sexual desires and never feels the need to initiate sex. We've tried for the past year to work through it and he's made attempts to have sex with me, be romantic etc. But I can't shake the feeling that he's only having sex for me... because he has to. He doesn't feel we need counseling and doesn't understand why I'm so unhappy. I still love him but I'm also miserable. Please help.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.

Customer:

Ok. Thanks.

DuddyH :

Thank you very much....

DuddyH :

After reading your question information I'm reminded of 2 things:

DuddyH :

1) Could there be a physical/medical problem?

DuddyH :

2) What is your couple-communication and emotional intimacy like?

Customer:

for #1 I think that may be a possibility and I've tried to get him to see a doctor but he is not willing. He doesn't seem to think there is a problem. For #2 we are like roommates. We work well together as friends and don't often argue. Our relationship lacks anything beyond that... at least from my perspective.

DuddyH :

Was sex spontaneous, physically and deeply emotionally gratifying at the beginning of your relationship or was it always an issue?

Customer:

it was much better 2-3 years ago, prior to getting married/engaged. I was happy with the level of emotional and physical intimacy at that time.

DuddyH :

I really appreciate your responses here and I think it's great that you are taking steps to address this issue....

DuddyH :

What I've found incredibly effective in my work as a couple's counselor with many couples who have faced this very common challenge, is to really focus on building or re-building strong emotional intimacy through effective communication....

DuddyH :

The best available marital therapy research has recently demonstrated that when genuine and deep emotional intimacy is restored, sexual issues most often spontaneously resolve, especially when there is a history of spontaneous gratifying physical intimacy at the beginning of the relationship. If there is a physical/medical issue, that would need to be addressed by medical professional or fully qualified clinical sexologist.....

DuddyH :

Again, when it comes to resistance to seeking medical assessment, really focusing on the expanding the couple's emotional intimacy and connection can strongly motivate a spouse to seek help, not only for themselves but for the sake of the relationship. What are your thoughts so far?

Customer:

what your saying makes a lot of sense. Do you have any suggestions for how to begin to restore our emotional intimacy?

DuddyH :

I sure do. I noticed that you mentioned "scripting" romantic activities. You also mentioned that your husband does not want to go to couple-counseling....

DuddyH :

Yet it's critical that you both focus on learning, practicing and benefiting from the development of skills that will help you build that emotional intimacy so you can really then address the sexual intimacy need...

DuddyH :

Although I know that the best option would be to get both of you to evidence-based couples counseling, there are a couple of books you can read together, written by the worlds best relationship therapists and researchers....

DuddyH :

I would recommend "scripting" or setting up a week or 2 worth of nightly 45 minute dates, to actually read at least one of these books together. The book that I think would be most helpful is called "Hold me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson....

DuddyH :

She's the founder of what's called EFT or emotionally focused therapy for couples, the most effective marital therapy approach currently available. Her recent book actually guides you through a focused conversation, based on her therapy approach, designed to really reconnect you both emotionally and systematically expand that emotional connection, that love energy that fuels the healthiest marriages....

DuddyH :

Let me get you a short video link for the book. - Back in a few moments...

Customer:

This has been very helpful. I'll go purchase the book right now and work through it with my husband. Thank you for all your help, kindness and advice.

Customer:

I will also continue trying to get us into counseling... but this may be a good stepping stone in that direction.

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