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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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I have been with my husband almost 5 years. We have 2 wonderful

Customer Question

I have been with my husband almost 5 years. We have 2 wonderful children. I am at my wits end. I have cut back on my work hours (almost nil), finshing my phD and taking care of all the home stuff. I cook, clean, laundry etc. I never get a "break" as we do not have any help or family. I am happy to be with the kids, and would not want otherwise hwoever, a bit of respect and thankfulness from my husband's behalf would be nice. He works long days and I respect this and try to make his world a better place by making diner, lunches iron his clothes and prepare fun things to do as a family on our days "off". Meanwhile, I am up until wee hours making sure our life is organized and set for the next day.
Where the problems strikes is his lack of enthousiasm for our "marriage". We recently found a great babysitter and have goen on dates. However, after much complaining and nagging, I told him it was his turn to organize a night out. I booked the sitter and he had over a month's notice which I constantly reminded him to do soemthing. Well, tomorrow is the day and nothing has been planned. I had booked adiner reservation since I knew he hadn't and now cancelled. I cannot take this anymore. He put 0 effort into our marriage, has no interest in sec (i have ALWAYS initiated it and have to suggest everything). He never cooks, never cleans, never helps with laundry or irnoning unlcess he needs something for himself. While I am [pulling my hair out to make sure they are all happy, he takes care of himself. I am really unhappy. He is a wonderful father but terrible husband. He does not cheat or drink. He does put the kids to bed so I can go out to "run errands". FUN! I have asked him several times to go to counselling and he refuses or does not take the time or seriousness of doing so. He is a Dr. and I guess he married his work, not me however, I too have my life, responsibilites but put everyone, inclyding him ahead. Thinking of separating but I dont' want to do this to the kids. They are babies and me being unhappy is second to their happiness. HELP!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 5 years ago.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.

DuddyH :

I'm just going to take a moment to read over your question again...

DuddyH :

Ok. I've re-read your question again. I'd like to chat with you still and perhaps answer your question with in the context of chatting with you.

Customer:

sure

DuddyH :

Thank you...

DuddyH :

to start off with, I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. It must be incredibly difficult. In my experience as couple-counselor, I've learned that one of the keys to a healthy long term marriage (with all of it's incredible and protective benefits for the whole family) is that basic relationship needs are met reciprocally. And where they can't be met for reason's outside of the couple's control they are at least explored. What are top 2 most important things you need from your relationship right now?

DuddyH :

What do you really need from your husband that you are not getting right now, the most?

Customer:

respect/support and aknowledgment of all the things I do for him and the family. the kids are too young to say thank you and understand. He is the only person who is capable of appreciating what I do for them and make gestures to say thank you. This is both true for the relationship and being a parent.

DuddyH :

Is it more the heart felt expressed acknowledgement or do you need actual support more in the form of shared work load?

DuddyH :

..or both equally?

Customer:

No, the work load I can handle. Despite, me doing everything (I was mowing teh lawn 8 months pregnant). But I'm fine with that. It is simple gesture such as him making sure we are taken care of before he leaves. Taking charge in more responsiblities, especially in our relationship.

DuddyH :

Would you mind clarifying what you mean by "taken care of before he leaves." and, "Taking charge in more responsibilities"?

DuddyH :

Would you mind giving a concrete, best example of both?

Customer:

I can't . Now I have to go attend to the kids. This is what I get, 5 minutes to try to solve everything.

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