I had my therapy appointment yesterday late afternoon. It was a mess. After our regular chit-chat about random benign things, I gave L. my jumbled list of feelings she had asked me to do. I explained that some were probably not really feelings, but rather thoughts. She looked at it and told me that she didn't want to start EMDR yet, that she thought we needed to keep on the track we're on (so that was good - I didn't even have to tell her that it stressed me out to jump around). She didn't say a whole lot about the list -- she said she wanted to just be quiet and I could say anything I felt like saying. I thought, "great, we'll sit here in silence again." But then I started crying, then sobbing. I sobbed for over an hour. I kept trying to stop, but I couldn't. I don't even know what I was crying about. I was a mess.
Really bad timing, as I had to go back to the office to finalize documents and then meet some clients and their whole family for signing wills, trust, etc. last night (fyi - I wasn't procrastinating - I was asked to do it at the last minute, because one of them is going to die in the next few days). Anyway, I could barely get it together to go back to the office (thankfully everyone else was gone for the day) and then to meet with my clients. Then I cried all the way home and then when I went to bed until I fell asleep. I feel like hell. What is wrong with me? I still feel like crying this morning. It's just a mess.
Is this likely to happen again on Monday when I go?
I felt a little relieved, because I've been worrying about this happening, and the sky didn't fall or anything. But I guess I thought if it did
happen, it would release all of these feelings. But I feel like they're still there and I still feel like crying.
I did sleep last night though. From about midnight until 6:00. So that was good. But I feel awful and I should be leaving for the office in a few minutes, and I have just been sitting here all morning.
I forgot to ask L. for more info about the massage thing last night, so I will on Monday. Also, my psychiatrist has been wanting me to get a sleep apnea test. Something about the ADD
symptoms. I didn't want to go somewhere over night, because of the nightmares
. So she called and spoke to this other doctor who does a lot of research on sleep issues and trauma and he said they could do an at-home test. I had to fill out a ton of stuff - several different questionnaires, etc. Then she talked to them again and they set up an appointment with me, had me fill out more tailored questionnaires, and I go today to talk to him. His office said, when we set up the appointment, that I will be meeting with some kind of "nightmare specialist" at the same time. Sounds interesting. I hope they don't ask me anything too upsetting.
Uggh. Well, I guess I should actually maybe get ready for work or something .... I just wanted to share.