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DuddyH
DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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1.How to cure the trait of shameful when I feel overshadowed

Resolved Question:

1.How to cure the trait of shameful when I feel overshadowed by my peers because I can't perform as good as they are? I feel self defeating and would like to get out of it. I am quite an introvert as I feel like I have nothing to contribute to others and would bore people, therefore I stay away from them. I would like to make first steps to know them more but I mumble and it's not a positive thing to attract them. My self impression and image is too strong. Is there any cure.
2. I feel like I am having a mid-life crisis where I feel like I am heading nowhere in my career but yet burdened by the functional needs of earning a living. Is there any advise on how to lead a life normal life where all my 'out of the world' dreams which I have tried and fault most of the time defeats myself in reality.
3. I also feel I can't take criticism well. Being the eldest I have always been the best and taking criticism makes me feel less than perfect. How should I deal with it positively. That is why I stay away from people as I would not be hurt by remarks if I don't deal with them.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DuddyH replied 2 years ago.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.

Customer:

Hi

DuddyH :

Hello.

Customer:

Hello to you. How are you there/

DuddyH :

I"m find thank you, XXXXX XXXXX sorry that you are going through this right now. It must be very difficult at times. May I ask What word or phrase you use, for the sake of this simple question and answer chat, to describe your central problem as you've described it here?

DuddyH :

How would you sum it up descriptively?

Customer:

Yea. Life has been difficult. I would sum up as suffering.

Customer:

is that what you mean?

Customer:

It's like feeling defeated

Customer:

and not winning at all... though I have taken steps to move out of it but fell back....

Customer:

sort of defeated.

Customer:

compounding by criticism in the surrounding.

DuddyH :

Don't worry, no judgments here. And your suffering is primarily experienced in relation to people, triggered by criticism. What are the top 1 or 2 aspects of the surroundings you mention, that contribute to your suffering? The reason I ask is because I want to try and help you shape a basic question that I can then try and answer in a way that is genuinely helpful and informative.

Customer:

Well in my part of the world, career means a lot. I am an architect. but I feel like I am passionless about it.

Customer:

You see, my colleagues are all great. full of drive and performance

Customer:

I can perform, but I myself just don't have the passion to it.

Customer:

This leads to me to being scolded by my boss..

Customer:

It's not that I develop hatred to my boss. My boss is a good guiding light. however, it's the criticism that I feel I can't bear

Customer:

I am quite a perfectionist. I feel like I have performed when there is no criticism, not a single criticism in the work I do.

Customer:

However, whenever I miss little things and being highlighted, deep inside I feel bad.

Customer:

Well, I try to think in a different perspective that even the best, XXXXX XXXXX mistakes.

Customer:

But this kind of things starts to compound.

Customer:

It gets bigger, and I feel defeated...

Customer:

Further, I am 32. There are junior architects than me in the 20s, who can really do well better than me.

Customer:

I felt like I am pushed to the corner by juniors who come in and their skills are really solid.

Customer:

They are great in communication skills, public speaking- those kind of skills that I exactly don't have.

DuddyH :

What kind of projects do you and your team work on?

Customer:

I tried reading books, but the development are really slow and does not show result...

Customer:

We work on institution project. and a really fast track project. I have to keep track of time every day. Perhaps it's fatigue of keeping time and doing overtime most of the days.

Customer:

Everyday I woke up, it's just clearing up back logs. I am learning nothing in the project, sadly.

Customer:

It's just doing and get it running, not learning basic principles anymore....fighting fire here and there. managing people

Customer:

Managing people and stay in an authority position is really something I lack.

Customer:

Even though I've seen my boss in action so many times, but I really can't catch up with him

Customer:

But that is what I admire to become. But I wasn't learning fast enough I guess. And develop this defeated feeling.

Customer:

A lot of areas that I felt defeated.... i try to think positively though, that this is just a phase in the pit

Customer:

but it's quite unbearable lately....hoping to see the light soon...

DuddyH :

Again, I am very sorry to hear that you have to be going through this right now. From you writing, you seem incredibly articulate, intelligent and sensitive. Given that JustAnswer.com provides each customer an answer to their question, what is your most central, objective question today?

Customer:

And I barely have time for myself to reflect and think deeply about what head next.

Customer:

I see... ok, central objective question today- how to cure not being too sensitive to matters. I feel like it affects psychologically my speech.

Customer:

it's like when I am in a position being pressured, i can't speak well at all. is it a character or personality in me. is there a cure.

Customer:

how should I react to adverse situation.....

Customer:

ok- only this issue for today...

Customer:

I'll come back again for other issues in my life...

DuddyH :

Well as far as your question goes today, I'm reminded immediately of cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT. It is one of the most effective empirically based individual counseling approaches around today. In CBT the basic insight is that the way we think (or don't think to ourselves) about our situation, often effects how we respond emotionally. For example, if we have negative thoughts, appraisals or anticipations about a situation or outcome it can actually cause us to feel anxious or angry, while clouding our objective assessment and response to what's really going on....

Customer:

yea...i agree. is there a cure...

Customer:

but sometimes, i know its the fact but still dwell in it and fall into the trap...

DuddyH :

Emotionally, CBT also teaches what are called emotion-focused and problem-focused coping strategies. In emotion focused coping strategies, the client learns proven strategies for reducing negative or life interfering emotional responses. Learning the relaxation response is a classic and powerful example here...

DuddyH :

To be honest with you, we are not permitted nor does it make sense to assess/diagnosis or try to predict a "cure" for any specific customer on JustAnswer.com. That would require an in person clinical interviewing/screeing/assessment process, probably over at least a few sessions. In terms of your specific situation, I am duty bound as a professional counselor to suggest that you seek professional help for any kind of formal assessment or diagnosis. I would also mention from experience that you should see your family doctor to rule out any medical issues that may contributing to your stated problem. The subtlest things from diet issues to environmental sensitivities can have a profound impact on a person's psychological and social functioning....

DuddyH :

Does that make sense?

DuddyH :

In more general terms, I think that learning more about CBT might be very helpful to someone who is describing the situation you have.

Customer:

i thought you walked out on me when you went off line.

Customer:

I do want to learn. however it's I don't know where to start

DuddyH :

No sorry about that. We've had technical problems with the site over the last day or so, where the chat screen displays as "disconnected" where both parties are fully present.

Customer:

any recommendation. Is my situation really so depressive and in deep shit that develops to illness?

DuddyH :

If that happens again I'll shift to Q&A mode, - another chat format.

DuddyH :

I'm not sure if my last detailed response was lost due to the technical issue. Here it is again just in case:




To be honest with you, we are not permitted nor does it make sense to assess/diagnosis or try to predict a "cure" for any specific customer on JustAnswer.com. That would require an in person clinical interviewing/screeing/assessment process, probably over at least a few sessions. In terms of your specific situation, I am duty bound as a professional counselor to suggest that you seek professional help for any kind of formal assessment or diagnosis. I would also mention from experience that you should see your family doctor to rule out any medical issues that may contributing to your stated problem. The subtlest things from diet issues to environmental sensitivities can have a profound impact on a person's psychological and social functioning....




DuddyH :

Please let me know your thoughts.

DuddyH :

You mentioned book reading. It may be helpful to focus your study, related to self-help/counseling/mental-health to the more science-proven, positive-emotional health strategies found in CBT. You may even consider CBT counseling for yourself at some point. It is incredibly cost effective compared to other approaches. The relaxation response can be life-enhancing in so many different ways as just one example. Let me get you some helpful, informative links....back in a few moments...

DuddyH :

This is a very good short outline of CBT, what it is and how it works from the Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/MY00194

DuddyH :

This is one of the best free online resources for that relaxation response-training I mentioned which is often strongly emphasized in CBT. It's not a flashy site, but the video and audio resources are state of the art : http://vcc.asu.edu/relax/index.shtml

DuddyH :

I'll wait for your response to the above 3 past posts. Please take your time.

DuddyH :

If you don't mind briefly letting me know that you're still here. I'd like to rule out any technical problems from your screen.

Customer:

Thanks a lot.

DuddyH :

You're welcome. Have I answered your question ok today?

DuddyH :

...

DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 156
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
DuddyH and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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