Hi! I'm sorry I couldn't answer right away and it looks like none of the other experts was able to either: we've been very busy here today.
There's something--or really someone--missing in the discussion: your husband.
This is most properly a father/son issue. Something they should deal with. The sense is that you are the strong personality in the family. And that you take the action in the emotional issues.
That is often the case as men react to emotional things more slowly. Women very quickly. So if you don't give it time, they will pretty much let the women take center stage. But this is going to not get things resolved as well as if the men have at it with each other. Because they are the ones whose feelings are being talked about most.
Let's pause to talk about her hate for you. Women can hate and be pleasant at the same time. That's not duplicity. Men can't. Women feel provisionally, men more profoundly. So she can hate you in truth and be nice to you in truth. Because she as a woman is most likely continually recalculating her feelings toward you based on your actions, your acceptance, her moods, your moods, etc. So keep on trying with her and letting the past be past. Yes, it is a weird situation. But if I would tell you about a case I worked with in my office a number of years ago, your mouth would hang open. Just a little on the surface: the younger woman wound up marrying the husband who was much older of a her mother's best friend who...it kept on getting more intricately weird.
But your husband is sensitive it sounds like. And it may be time for his son to hear it from him. For the two of them to go to a quiet Starbucks or tavern and talk. Talk about what's happened. About what happened in the family. What your husband did inside in his heart that made him able to keep the marriage going. What his son wants from him now. What the father wants from the son. It may take a couple of sit downs, but they have to get started.
Again, I apologize for the delay. I am going now to be seeing patients in my office for the afternoon and early evening and then I'll be back at the site this evening.
I wish you the very best!
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